Do your ILs include you in their plans?

[Anonymous]

Feeling sorry for DH. He sees his sisters and mother participating in holidays, etc. While we do major holidays together, they actually ignored his calls, texts, emails and contact attempts last birthday of his mother's. He was understandably hurt. We get along fine, no reason to be mad at him or exclude him (or me). They seem to be very clannish, and maybe less thoughtful. They are definitely not what some people call warm.

I am wondering, from other DILs, what might be the issue? Should we push it? I am reluctant to voice DH's hurt, because they have never really been nice to him, and they have never really been close unless they need something. I stay out of it, completely, as it is not my issue. I don't know if I should be doing something, but I feel DH is an adult, and can handle it himself. Besides, it is his family.

Have you experienced this? What, if anything, did you do about it? I think they would deny if confronted.

[Anonymous]

I am on the opposite end- MIL thinks I should act exactly like her co-dependent daughter (answer each others' phones, live down the street from one another, alternative nights for dinner at each others' house, use MIL as a nanny, etc.) I guess you can't win.

[Anonymous]

OP, there may be more to it than you know. My family dynamics are similar and it's best if you just stay out of it. If your husband has an issue he has to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the opposite end- MIL thinks I should act exactly like her co-dependent daughter (answer each others' phones, live down the street from one another, alternative nights for dinner at each others' house, use MIL as a nanny, etc.) I guess you can't win.

You are not alone, PP. This is my MIL and her EXDIL.

OP, be happy you are "marginalized." Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

They will not change. Find a way to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Similar dynamic here where daughter can do no wrong and my DH never does enough. It was really sad and hurtful to realize it over the years, but then I got over it. My DH is wonderful and pushing the relationship with MIL and that side of family just makes him miserable. He's sad but only when it comes up during holidays.

[Anonymous]

We're in the same boat. It's taken a decade but we're over it. Save yourself nine years of angst and just let it go now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in the same boat. It's taken a decade but we're over it. Save yourself nine years of angst and just let it go now.

Ditto. My PITA SIL is always rushing in to "fix" the family. Doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar dynamic here where daughter can do no wrong and my DH never does enough. It was really sad and hurtful to realize it over the years, but then I got over it. My DH is wonderful and pushing the relationship with MIL and that side of family just makes him miserable. He's sad but only when it comes up during holidays.

OP here. Thanks for all of the replies! This is what I am talking about. DH can do no right. I am sure a professional has a phrase for it, but I do not know it off hand. No one asks DH if he is available for vacation, for example.

The whole rotten attitude is to ask the SILs (DHs sisters), then tell us, as if DH would say no (he wouldn't, they know this). We are the ones with small kids in camp and classes, and we have other family commitments and other plans. SILs children are grown and gone, so they are not much of a consideration, if at all. Half the time their children don't even show up! It is like a big FU, which I wouldn't put past my MIL at all. She is a little bit on the bitter side, and she sees me as different from them, so there's that.

I appreciate the support form other people who have experienced this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar dynamic here where daughter can do no wrong and my DH never does enough. It was really sad and hurtful to realize it over the years, but then I got over it. My DH is wonderful and pushing the relationship with MIL and that side of family just makes him miserable. He's sad but only when it comes up during holidays.

OP here. Thanks for all of the replies! This is what I am talking about. DH can do no right. I am sure a professional has a phrase for it, but I do not know it off hand. No one asks DH if he is available for vacation, for example.

The whole rotten attitude is to ask the SILs (DHs sisters), then tell us, as if DH would say no (he wouldn't, they know this). We are the ones with small kids in camp and classes, and we have other family commitments and other plans. SILs children are grown and gone, so they are not much of a consideration, if at all. Half the time their children don't even show up! It is like a big FU, which I wouldn't put past my MIL at all. She is a little bit on the bitter side, and she sees me as different from them, so there's that.

I appreciate the support form other people who have experienced this.

It's sometimes referred to as scapegoat and the golden child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in the same boat. It's taken a decade but we're over it. Save yourself nine years of angst and just let it go now.

Ditto. My PITA SIL is always rushing in to "fix" the family. Doesn't work.

Huh? One of these things is not like the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar dynamic here where daughter can do no wrong and my DH never does enough. It was really sad and hurtful to realize it over the years, but then I got over it. My DH is wonderful and pushing the relationship with MIL and that side of family just makes him miserable. He's sad but only when it comes up during holidays.

OP here. Thanks for all of the replies! This is what I am talking about. DH can do no right. I am sure a professional has a phrase for it, but I do not know it off hand. No one asks DH if he is available for vacation, for example.

The whole rotten attitude is to ask the SILs (DHs sisters), then tell us, as if DH would say no (he wouldn't, they know this). We are the ones with small kids in camp and classes, and we have other family commitments and other plans. SILs children are grown and gone, so they are not much of a consideration, if at all. Half the time their children don't even show up! It is like a big FU, which I wouldn't put past my MIL at all. She is a little bit on the bitter side, and she sees me as different from them, so there's that.

I appreciate the support form other people who have experienced this.

It's sometimes referred to as scapegoat and the golden child.

OP here - YES, YES, YES!!!! This is precisely what it is, sadly. Dh being treated like crap really made him strive for better. Inadvertently, instead of making DH a shrinking violet, he thrived as a result of his abuse by his family. Crazy, huh?

What baffles me is that it still continues, and DH's family never grows up, but DH did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar dynamic here where daughter can do no wrong and my DH never does enough. It was really sad and hurtful to realize it over the years, but then I got over it. My DH is wonderful and pushing the relationship with MIL and that side of family just makes him miserable. He's sad but only when it comes up during holidays.

OP here. Thanks for all of the replies! This is what I am talking about. DH can do no right. I am sure a professional has a phrase for it, but I do not know it off hand. No one asks DH if he is available for vacation, for example.

The whole rotten attitude is to ask the SILs (DHs sisters), then tell us, as if DH would say no (he wouldn't, they know this). We are the ones with small kids in camp and classes, and we have other family commitments and other plans. SILs children are grown and gone, so they are not much of a consideration, if at all. Half the time their children don't even show up! It is like a big FU, which I wouldn't put past my MIL at all. She is a little bit on the bitter side, and she sees me as different from them, so there's that.

I appreciate the support form other people who have experienced this.

It's sometimes referred to as scapegoat and the golden child.

OP here - YES, YES, YES!!!! This is precisely what it is, sadly. Dh being treated like crap really made him strive for better. Inadvertently, instead of making DH a shrinking violet, he thrived as a result of his abuse by his family. Crazy, huh?

What baffles me is that it still continues, and DH's family never grows up, but DH did.

Just let them go. Your family will be so much better for it.