"Family pictures" for school after divorce

[Anonymous]

So I 'm in the process of divorcing and was suddenly thinking about what to do with certain school activities... How do you handle providing a "family picture" for your kid? Do you give an old photo with your ex and child, two separate pics, or what? How about holidays like Fathers Day or school activities that involve the other parent? Do you help kids pick a gift/ do art project and send to ex or do you stay uninvolved? Kids are 5 and 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds like you didn't think this through, maybe you should work on the marraige

That is not helpful.

OP, I am divorced and for "family pictures" we sent 2 pictures. Her teacher understands. She offers to have separate parent-teacher conferences, which we only do if there is a timing issue. Our custody agreement specifies that DD will be with me on Mother's Day and with her dad on Father's Day. I help her to organize presents for him for his birthday, Christmas and Father's Day because she is 5 and would not be able to do that on her own. He does the same for me.

We are divorced, but we are both still her parents and respect each other's status as such. It is important to me that DD maintain a good relationship with her dad and be generous and considerate. Part of that is gifts/recognition for days that are special to him, like his birthday and Father's Day. I will facilitate that until she is old enough to handle it on her own. If he stops doing the same for me, it will not change my behavior because it's not a tit-for-tat thing to me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your non-answer. You're right, though. I didn't think through issues like school pictures and others.
I was too busy handling other major issues affecting my kids present and future, such as: husband's cocaine use, compulsive lying, trouble with the police, and cheating.
Now please if you don't have anything useful to say, move along.

[Anonymous]

The family picture thing is likely not going to be an issue after age 5 - we never took that many family pictures anyway, I just gave an old one, or one year DS wanted to use a picture of him with my dad, which was fine as well.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PP. This is very helpful. I thought about helping them with gifts or art projects for holiday occasions but was not sure about school pictures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, PP. This is very helpful. I thought about helping them with gifts or art projects for holiday occasions but was not sure about school pictures.

PP with the helpful answer here.

I would recommend letting the children's teachers know about the situation, especially since it sounds a little bit like things are contentious in your divorce. When my ex and I were separating, we had a conversation with DD's daycare teachers so that they could be on the look out for any kind of behavioral issues or emotional difficulties that DD had with the separation (she didn't). It was also helpful so that they would know that they needed to communicate questions or concerns to both of us, rather than assuming that we'd both get the message if they sent it to just me (as was the usual rule).

Hang in there. These little details seem alarming when you're dealing with the big stuff, but they largely sort themselves out.

[Anonymous]

I'm a k teacher, and whatever you decide is going to be fine in the classroom. Don't stress too much. Have your kids help pick pictures to take in--nbd if you send just one old one or more than one recent ones, as long as your kids are comfortable with the pictures representing their family. Classmates are always curious (and tactless at these ages), so they should be comfortable enough with the pictures chosen to explain who each family member is and field that sort of question.


Sorry for any weird typos or mistakes. I'm on a phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I 'm in the process of divorcing and was suddenly thinking about what to do with certain school activities... How do you handle providing a "family picture" for your kid? Do you give an old photo with your ex and child, two separate pics, or what? How about holidays like Fathers Day or school activities that involve the other parent? Do you help kids pick a gift/ do art project and send to ex or do you stay uninvolved? Kids are 5 and 3.

In an idea world: yes. In reality kid will be 4. I received one mothers day gift. I made sure the ex wife got 2 mothers days gifts and 2 chrsitmas gifts. I don't see the new wife making sure I am remembered.

[Anonymous]

We had the same problem, OP, coupled with the fact that I almost never have anyone to take pics of just me and my daughter. I'm usually the one taking the pictures.

This year, I went back through all our pictures and realized that we somehow didn't take any pictures together of the three of us at any of our last 3 birthday parties! I had to go back to her 2nd birthday party to find one of us together. From now on, I'm going to make sure that at least once a year, someone snaps a pic of the three of us. (like when our parents come to visit or we have a birthday party.)

[Anonymous]

14:58 here - also, we have a non-contentious split, so we trade gifts with each other at holidays and birthdays. I go with my daughter to buy a father's day gift for dad, she buys me a mother's day gift with dad. When she has a school project, she can either make 2 of something or decide who gets what. I don't really care either way. You'll figure it out!

[Anonymous]

I have step kids who live in a different state. I can't get us all together for a family pic. So I always send in 2 or three pics.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, just send two pics. No big deal. Teachers are used to this. We have to send two copies home of important paperwork for divorced kids, etc.

Don't stress about this. Sounds like you have enough on your plate.

[Anonymous]

At Cap City, each class has a family board showing pictures of each kid's family. It's very sweet. For families of divorce, I've seen some post a picture with one parent and a second with the other parent. And some have a picture with everyone together. It's really about what the child is comfortable with. Talk about the options and let your child take the lead.

[Anonymous]

I've never been asked to send in a family photo so it was never an issue. I am not the only single parent anyway so it isn't a big deal. Even married parents don't always have photos where everyone is in the photo anyway. This is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should let the teachers know and go from there. I think we used a family photo of all of us together for the first year. After that, it wasn't an issue anymore - my children are 8 and 9, and they haven't needed a family photo in years.

As you move forward, you will get used to this, and it won't be as meaningful anymore. I am the type of person who kept my separation a secret from my closest friends for weeks because of my shame, and now I can honestly tell you that I hardly notice.

School functions are terrible for me, but my ex is a lunatic, so I'm an exception. Everyone else who is divorced seems to do quite well.

Soon, it will be your new normal, and you'll be focused on your child's overall health and happiness, and these things will fade. I promise.

Good luck. It sounds like you've had a hard time in your marriage. I did too. But I got out, despite my initial shame over divorce, and I'm doing great.

You will too.