What's Behind This Passive Agressive Behavior?
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Anonymous
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My DW has relationship issues with my mother. She complains that my mother "never liked her" and that she is always looking for an opportunity to "poke at her." Whenever I am around her, she says, I am on pins and needles." The most recent example she cites is from out last visit. DW was criticizing me in front of my mother about my weight, diet and exercise (I am hardly obese. I weight 189 ln and a, 5'12." I have come down from a high of 205 lbs and hope to get down to around 175 -1&0 lbs.) My mother interjected herself into the conversation, which was at the dinner table, and said "he is a grown man and take care of himself." Later in the visit, I gave my DW a cup of coffee with milk, rather than the creamer she had asked, and she glared at me with what could only be described as the "look of death." My mother said, "Jesus, it's only a up of coffee, let it go." DW stormed out and later carried on with me for 3-4 hours about my "bitch mother" and how I don't "protect her."
This coming weekend is a four day weekend for my DD. I offered to take a ski trip over the weekend, but DW countered she has to work so why don't I go with our kids to my mother's in Florida. I booked flights and a rental car. Now, DWis bitching about our going, leaving her to watch the Super Bowl alone. She's hinted at wanted to come to Florida, but wants to stay in a hotel. I said she is welcome to come, but I do not want to stay in a hotel as I think it would be good for kids to have some time with their only living grandmother. DW God ballistic talking about the "toxic bitch" who "put her own mother in a nursing home rather than take care of her. I don't want my kids getting the same message." I am going to Florida in any case, and DW just needs to cope with this as an adult. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like your wife and mother are very alike. |
Anonymous
| There is nothing PA about this. Everyone is outright hostile. |
Anonymous
| Why is your mom interjecting herself when your DW was talking to you at the dinner table or you giving her the coffee? I bet that happens all the time and you never notice, and her childish response is to overreact. You guys need to talk to each other. Tell your mom to butt out, why is she jumping to your rescue anyway. Tell your DW that you're going to do something special with her after the trip. This is small stuff, really. Don't make your wife's mistake and blow little crap out of proportion. |
Anonymous
| Your mother doesn't sound exactly blameless here. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like your mother is difficult and you married someone similar.
So, next time your mother interjects (even if it's to stick up for you) say something positive to/about your wife. And next time your wife says something mean to you in front of your mother, explain to her afterwards (when you are alone) that it is hurtful to both you and your mother. I have a feeling you haven't handled this very well. |
Anonymous
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Your wife is right, your mom is needling her and poking her and generally being a biatch. However, your wife sounds like a bit of a harpie, too. You, my friend, are caught between a rock and a hard place.
Ideally, your mother should keep her opinions to herself and your wife should loosen up just a little. Good luck, my friend. Oh, and since I have been known to be a bit of a harpie, myself. I would say that you should still go to Florida (she'd be pissed if you go and pissed if you stay). Don't stay at a hotel, stay at your moms. Tell your wife she is welcome to join you at your moms. If she doesn't come, send her flowers or do something a little special so she feels appreciated anyway. For example, get a couple of cards and leave them hidden in the house. Each day you are gone, text her and tell her to look in the spot it is hidden for a message from you. Easy peasy and it will make her feel loved. We can be bitchy, but we are also easy to please most of the time. |
Anonymous
| Why didn't you put the creamer like she asked? It sounds like *you* were being passive aggressive. Sure, it's just coffee, but how hard was it to do it the way she requested? It's almost like you didn't just so you could show her who was in charge. |
Anonymous
| B/c I simply forgot and put milk instead. Nothing PA about it. |
Anonymous
| OP, do you recognize that your mother's interjections and commentary on interactions between you and your wife are inappropriate? |
Anonymous
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God I love DCUM. His wife sound likes a bitch. His mom is trying to stick up for him, albeit going about it in the wrong way. And yet DCUM blames him and says he should put little love notes around the house to make his wife happier.
If a woman wrote in saying that her husband picked on her about her weight And got pissed because she prepare his coffee wrong, everyone would be calling him an asshole. |
Anonymous
His wife, in the examples he provided, is no saint either. But OP didn't come to complain about his wife's treatment of him; he titled his post and wrote about the relationship between his wife and his mother. His mother "coming to his defense" in his interactions with his wife is problematic, and he should be handling that differently. HE should speak to his wife about the way she speaks to him and responds to him in front of others (and those conversations should be private), not his mother. |
Anonymous
I agree. Sounds like the OP just switched the genders in the story to see how people would react. Either way- congrats on working hard and dropping a few pounds and I'm sorry your wife is a fuggin bitch |
Anonymous
| You're 5' 12"? |
Anonymous
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Mothers don't like it when people pick on their kids. At any age. Sounds like your wife gives you a lot of shit, and does it in front of your mom.
My mom is the same with my brother and his girlfriend. He's been miserable since he starting dating her. All my mom wants is to see him happy. But he's not. I bet your mom thinks you are being treated poorly too and won't stick up for yourself. So she does it for you. |