Sad about my relationship with my sister

[Anonymous]

My sister and I used to be extremely close - phoning each other at least once a day, and able to send each other into laughter with just a look. We each got married, had kids (she has three, I have one) and we now live at opposite ends of the country. After my mom died (my dad died a long time ago) the relationship changed to be very cool, and I don't know why, or what to do about saving it. Sure, we were both grieving, but the whole family dynamic changed. There were no arguments or flash points - she just became very cool towards me. I think her husband might be behind it. He has always carried a chip on his shoulder and has at times been downright rude to me (and pretty much everyone else), but I have always tried to bat his comments away, because I valued my relationship with my sister so much. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, but as my mom was the "glue" that held the wider family together, I feel it's almost like that now that she's gone they feel like they don't need me anymore. We hardly get to see each other because of distance/money, and to be honest her emails and (rare) phone calls are now so cool that I would be nervous about making that commitment to travel, for fear of our meeting being just horrible. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what is wrong - to outside eyes it might look like nothing is. But I feel like I'm on eggshells when I'm talking to her. I send her kids, who I genuinely adore, lots of little gifts or cards at key times, not just birthdays, like when they started new schools or when I had to go to Europe for work and bought some really cute candies there. My husband is in the military and is away on a year's posting. I can handle that (I've done it before) but I'm hurt that my sister hasn't emailed or called to ask how I or my son are doing without him. It's the sort of thing my "old" sister would have done. I don't want to discuss this with anyone else in the family (aunts etc) because I'm worried that it will look like criticism and if it got back to her, it could all go disastrously wrong. I find it hard to accept that the wonderful warm and close relationship I had with her for so long is gone. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Be in it for the long game, OP. I have a sibling like this too. And while I blame the spouse for making it worse, I believe my sibling's tendencies are at the heart of it.

Be there for her. Reach out and try to share and connect, but have no expectations.

Right now she's focusing on her married life and children. That is the current phase of life. But it is not forever.

[Anonymous]

This one is tough. Are you sure you don't have some idea of what is wrong? I think it's a little strange things have gone so sour and you don't know why. When you say you are walking on eggshells around her this means things are bad.

Personally I would reach out to her and see if you can get some dialogue started. How about sending a card which says something like, I love and miss you. I can tell something has upset you and I'm not sure what's happened. Can we discuss and see if we can clear the air? Or something like that -- you get the idea.

I'm not sure I'd just let it go and rely on time to heal. Sometimes that works and sometimes it drives people farther apart.

[Anonymous]

You might be on to something with the husband. Some guys are controlling. Does your sister have her own friends/work/life? Some guys require ALL the focus. If this is not the case, I would not ask too many question-she probably won't tell you the truth and will shut down even further. Keep the lines of communication open.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way you can swing a sister's weekend together? With or without the kids. Sometimes those relationships need to be reinvigorated.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought perhaps she's struggling in her relationship with her DH? I've dropped contact with a lot of people because of the problems DH and were having. I've got 3 kids, 2 with SN and then the problems with DH on top of that, I was in survival mode and just not up for talking.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies and advice, all wise words. I think the idea of a sisters weekend is good, especially as it would remove her from her husband who (IMO) casts a dark cloud over events. I also liked the reminder that I should take the long view on this in the hope that time and family circumstances will see it all work out. But it is hard at the moment to release some of the hurt I feel right now. Before our mom died she asked us to always stay in touch and always be there for each other and I feel hurt that my sister is not honoring that wish, and that my efforts to communicate are met with such brittle politeness.

[Anonymous]

OP - It might also be that she has a husband and three children to be focusing on and if she is working part or even more full-time, then her daily life might just be a lot more hectic and full than yours with an only child and a husband on deployment. It really may be that along with distance. It could also quite as easily be her husband had kept up family ties while his MIL was alive, but now feels a lot less inclined to do so. If you do not ask, you will never know. BUT before you spend too much time looking backwards at the past,have you taken stock of what you might need in life right now while our husband is away - a couple of closer friendships with folks in your area, a new volunteer interest is you have the time or just trying out something new your husband might not do while is is away.

[Anonymous]

This is tough. I had a similar situation to a point. My sister went to a school out of state, had a chance to live reasonably nearby after school, and instead they moved across country where they have been ever since. She seemed weird at times and not as close. We always had sibling rivalry but she just didn't seem to miss me like I missed her. It was almost like she didn't even hug me or care to say goodbye when I would visit. Thankfully we started a joint hobby together that we can do remotely and that has brought us closer again. We're emailing more and are going to start having phone calls to discuss our joint hobby. Could you plan a trip that doesn't totally depend on her that wouldn't be a waste if things didn't pan out the way you want them to? I know it's hurtful when people you think should be closer aren't. Just try to come up with ways to get closer or maybe just say you miss how things used to be when you were closer and see what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough. I had a similar situation to a point. My sister went to a school out of state, had a chance to live reasonably nearby after school, and instead they moved across country where they have been ever since. She seemed weird at times and not as close. We always had sibling rivalry but she just didn't seem to miss me like I missed her. It was almost like she didn't even hug me or care to say goodbye when I would visit. Thankfully we started a joint hobby together that we can do remotely and that has brought us closer again. We're emailing more and are going to start having phone calls to discuss our joint hobby. Could you plan a trip that doesn't totally depend on her that wouldn't be a waste if things didn't pan out the way you want them to? I know it's hurtful when people you think should be closer aren't. Just try to come up with ways to get closer or maybe just say you miss how things used to be when you were closer and see what she says.

Can you tell us what your joint hobby is?

[Anonymous]

I have a similar-but-different situation with my sister. Similar in that we used to be very close, but now there is a tremendous distance, which seems unbreachable. (She has a new husband and stepchildren and basically doesn't have time for me or for our parents.) This made me very sad for a long time -- it was kind of like a break up -- but I am starting to accept that it is what it is and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Time helps. Also I've been working on creating new friendships and engaging myself in new hobbies. I take the long view, telling myself that this is just not my decade with my sister. Maybe we will be close again later. Maybe not. It is very sad, but I have reached out and had the door slammed on me, so all I can do at this point is accept things. I'm sorry your going through this. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

You have my sympathy. I have a similar situation. We have barely spoken for years. Things are ok now, but it is more like being polite with a stranger than having a sister. We used to be very close. My mother has a similar situation with her now, too. We don't know why she has pulled away and talking with her does not seem to help. We are giving her space and think she must be going through something personally or with her husband. We don't push anymore but are still occasionally contacting her so she knows we are here when she is ready to talk.

[Anonymous]

I have two sisters I was close with, until my parents got sick and needed alot of care, then we had differences and neither of my sisters could just discuss the issues dispassionately, it always turned into an accusation session. Now I speak to them both but they no longer speak to each other and every time I speak with them they still rant about the situation. In essence they are not fun any more.

[Anonymous]

That's sad. Why not send her a hand-written note much along the lines of what you wrote here, expressing your sadness that the relationship changed, telling her you miss her and asking if there's a way you can try to be closer again?