I feel like a wounded fertility warrior -- WARNING: This post talks about a successful pregnancy

[Anonymous]

After a year of back-to-back IVF treatments and lots of physical and emotional stress, I finally got pregnant. But I still feel so shaken that I'm not fully enjoying being pregnant.

For example, on DCUrbanMom I read the infertility forum and the not the forum for expectant moms. And I still think about the infertility treatments a lot -- the daily shots, the morning sonos, the despair.

How do I stop feeling so insecure and fragile and shaken?

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, you may not get much support from those primary IF women still hoping for a BFP, but I'm a secondary gal that totally understands the PTSD that goes along with finally getting there. It took us 3 rounds of IVF to get our DD and I'm no less crazy with TTC DC#2, currently day 7 of stims and feeling emotionally drained but no physical symptoms. The lack of bloating is making me think my ovaries aren't responding despite high doses of stims.

[Anonymous]

I hear you. Three rounds of IVF and one miscarriage -- I spent the entire pregnancy for my DC white-knuckled, waiting for the next blow.

After 5 more rounds I've just given up on #2. This, too, I will carry with me.

I wish I'd seen a counselor, because in my case, I think the post-infertility trauma contributed to my PPD. Consider it?

[Anonymous]

OP, it took me three years to have my first baby, after dealing with multiple miscarriages. When I was pregnant, I was completely stressed out. I didn't tell anyone about the baby until I was six (!) months pregnant and I just wore enormous sweaters and begged off social engagements. I refused to look at the screen when I had ultrasounds because I was so sure something would be wrong. I certainly did not enjoy my pregnancy because I was so preoccupied with the possibility of something horrible going wrong, and I attribute that to the years of infertility and the miscarriages. I also ruminated on the babies that would have been but for the miscarriages and, honestly, I still remember those due dates that never happened. For me, at least, now that the baby is now a child, the wounds are healing. I think you need time to heal. And perhaps some yoga - I am totally not kidding about that, it really helped me relax and try to be in the moment while I was pregnant. By the end of my second trimester, I did start to enjoy things more. Going through infertility can be really, really hard so I think it is natural to take some time to get past it. Give yourself a break and try to relax. Watch crappy tv or movies and just try to do something you find relaxing.

And, if none of that works, you can try therapy. It might help you let go.

[Anonymous]

I thought I had it bad, and then I read a thread like this... My good thoughts and best wishes to you, PPs.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, OP!

I had a similar experience, but only have 4 rounds in 5 months. It was, without a doubt, the most stressful and emotional event of my life. Due to a few incidents to other people I am close to, I never relaxed during the pregnancy. Only for brief instances did I enjoy it. I was constantly reminded that the other shoe could fall without warning and without mercy.

Time did help. Towards the 9 month I did find more moments to enjoy without being clouded by the negative possibilities. I also reminded myself and found peace with so much is just out of our hands.

Congratulations, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, yay! And this is totally 100 percent normal -- and you are not alone. I teach prenatal yoga, and that was part of our training. How women who show up in our classes can be deeply ambivalent about their pregnancies. Even if it's something they've wanted for so long!

You had one mindset for a long time: struggle. It's hard to shift from that, but you now get to give up the burden of infertility. And you will. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I went through 4 years of fertility treatments before finally becoming pregnant. Like a PP, I did not tell anyone until I was 6 months pregnant. I had gained so much weight from the years of hormones and meds that it just looked like I was gaining more. That said, I did enjoy my pregnancy and felt a sense of calm and peace like I never had before. I attribute it to the hormones since everything else in my life was crashing and burning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through 4 years of fertility treatments before finally becoming pregnant. Like a PP, I did not tell anyone until I was 6 months pregnant. I had gained so much weight from the years of hormones and meds that it just looked like I was gaining more. That said, I did enjoy my pregnancy and felt a sense of calm and peace like I never had before. I attribute it to the hormones since everything else in my life was crashing and burning.

And congrats! (Forgot the most important part).

[Anonymous]

Congratulations OP!
I went through 13 medicated cycles and am still not pregnant. If I ever were to get pregnant I don't think I would believe it in the first place, and wouldn't enjoy it until I "see" the baby. I can imagine how you feel.
I'd say try to enjoy but be grounded.

[Anonymous]

OP, my youngest from IF treatments (over several years and some miscarriages in the mix) is over 1 now and I STILL come to this board on occasion (clearly). It's part of who you are and probably will be forever and you're not going to approach pregnancy or parenting the same way as someone who has not been through what you've been through.

Pregnancy will probably feel more scary, precious, and precarious to you. When I felt panicked, I would visualize a happy ending. I would picture the moment when I would walk out of the hospital with my new healthy baby. I would picture all the details, what it would feel like, what baby would be wearing, what the weather might be like, what the nurses might say to me, etc. It would just get my mind focused on something other than panic and doom.

Now that I'm done, here's a positive - I am so unbelievably grateful for all I have and because that part of my life is done with. Profoundly, deeply, ecstatically grateful. This experience will give you a new perspective that you will carry with you going forward.

Congrats OP!!

[Anonymous]

Congratulations! I think your reaction is normal, from friends I've talked to about it. I certainly felt much more anxious about pregnancy #2 at the beginning, and that didn't even take fertility treatment, but we'd started diagnostics and had an initial RE appointment before getting pregnant.

The thing you might not be giving yourself enough credit for--Pregnancy itself is hard. First trimester doesn't really leave you with extra energy for emotional processing. Let yourself rest, eat what you can, and just don't expect too much out of yourself right now. It's ok to just be in a muddle.

Consider a few sessions of therapy in second trimester if need be.

[Anonymous]

So incredibly normal.

[Anonymous]

Just another person chiming in to say you're not alone. Successful IVF 11 years ago (twins) and there will still always be a bit of a psychic scar for me from the multi-year process.

While those of us lucky enough to have a successful outcome are obviously in a different place from those whose attempts do not lead to a baby, it is still a portion of your life in which you experience a tremendous amount of stress.

No need to feel bad about these feeling, OP, but I do hope as you continue to move through your pregnancy you will begin to enjoy it more. Like all other PPs, let me tell you CONGRATULATIONS!

[Anonymous]

OP I posted something similar just 6 months ago! Your feelings are normal.

How far along are you? I found that around 24w I started to relax a bit and actually started to tell people I was pregnant. But I was in denial until the end - I remember being in labor literally pushing the baby out and having doubts that a baby was actually going to be there at the end. And then I saw her and was in complete shock. It sounds crazy but that really is how I felt. IF messed with my head big time!!!

Anyway just allow yourself to take this day by day. It gets better. WAY better actually . Good luck to you and congrats