Please suggest house rules for a visiting 15-year-old

[Anonymous]

A cousin's daughter, whom we've never met, may be staying with us for a few weeks this summer while she takes an English class. (Her family lives in Western Europe.) I would like to let the family know what rules will be in place during her visit, so that she can decide whether she wants to go through with it, but our kids are pre-teens, so I don't know what's reasonable.

Alcohol, drugs (including marijuana), and cigarettes are non-negotiable; if she uses any of them while she's with us, whether or not she does it in our house, she's going home. But what else should we be thinking about?

TIA.

[Anonymous]

Will she have her phone with her, or a temporary one? Will she be making calls on her phone, or yours?

[Anonymous]

you sound fun

[Anonymous]

OMG you sound terrible, it would be a nightmare staying with you.

[Anonymous]

Why not just tell the family that you don't want to host her? Because honestly, that's what it sounds like you really want to say.

[Anonymous]

Please don't forget that she must fold her cloth napkin after each meal, wash or put in the dishwasher her plate, fold up the couch-bed each morning and put her suitcase in the corner.

[Anonymous]

OP everyone in western europe smokes, even then teens. This may be a non-negotiable for her.

[Anonymous]

She's 15. I wouldn't hand her a list of "alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes are non-negotiable" when she walks in.

If she gets INTO one of those things, you lay down that law. But raising it with her preemptively seems strange. I mean, good Lord, she's 15 and living with you for a short period of time -- when will she have an opportunity to smoke, drink, or get high?

Stick to pick up after yourself, clear your place, no tampons in the toilet, etc.

[Anonymous]

I guess you could explain the hour that you expect her to be home by if she goes out with friends in the evening, any policies you may have on having friends over to visit (times, number of people, area of the house they can go to). If you do not live near public transportation, you would need to explain your rules re: using your family's car etc.
Honestly, from your post, it sounds like you are going into this with a negative outlook, though. Are you sure you want to do this?

[Anonymous]

I would not be so heavy handed, feel the process out a bit to see what type of kid you have there, ask the parents what their expectations are for the daughter. Try to base it on mutual respect and understanding with the family rather than hitting them with a list of do's and don'ts. What you propose is more like dictating your terms. If you are cool to the idea of having a teenager at your house in general, you should just not offer to have her stay with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP everyone in western europe smokes, even then teens. This may be a non-negotiable for her.

They are also not as uptight about alcohol around kids.

[Anonymous]

I remember being an exchange student in Europe when I was 19. I went into my bedroom and there was a list of rules stapled to the wall. They were along the lines of "You may not have boys in your room. No food is to be eaten in the room. You may not use our telephone. The use of the television is not for you." I remember being so hurt and confused and thinking -- why are we starting out this way? Why did they not assume I would be considerate and responsible? It really set an awful tone and I hated my whole experience with this family.

[Anonymous]

I would ask her parents what their current house rules are about things like electronics, meals, curfews, etc. Seeing as you don't have any policies in place, I see no reason not to just follow theirs. If you don't like the rules her family follows, then you should probably just tell them you don't think it will work out, as all of your expectations will just be too different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask her parents what their current house rules are about things like electronics, meals, curfews, etc. Seeing as you don't have any policies in place, I see no reason not to just follow theirs. If you don't like the rules her family follows, then you should probably just tell them you don't think it will work out, as all of your expectations will just be too different.

+1
OP, you admitted that you don't know what's reasonable. Why not find out what is reasonable for her at home? As a PP said, this is a great way for your kids to see some mutual respect between you, their parents, and a teen (what they will be). It could be a great experience for them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess you could explain the hour that you expect her to be home by if she goes out with friends in the evening, any policies you may have on having friends over to visit (times, number of people, area of the house they can go to). If you do not live near public transportation, you would need to explain your rules re: using your family's car etc.
Honestly, from your post, it sounds like you are going into this with a negative outlook, though. Are you sure you want to do this?

She's 15, so presumably driving is off the table.

I agree with the others that you don't want to start out discussing drug and alcohol use. If that's a big concern of yours, you could discuss it with the parents. In terms of other rules that don't really affect you/your kids (i.e. whether she stays up late playing on her phone), discuss with parents what they want you to enforce.