Do you tell your kids that sometimes they need to fake it?

[Anonymous]

Give a "poker face" not just grin and bear it.

Don't know what to do, eight year DD having challenges at school with girls and sassy kids in general. I have always taught Her to be true to herself and walk away from uncomfortable situations. There are times when we are around other families that a certain amount of courtesy is needed, in some cases to be fake. Have you been in this situation or similar position where you tell them "Be fake" -niceness not just be polite in synagogue or church function?

"Play the game, so to speak."

[Anonymous]

You don't have to call it "faking" it, but call it being mature and keeping your head held high.

[Anonymous]

She is now at the age where life gets a little more real. It's sad to see their innocence go, but teaching them before they are in a situation may better prepare them. My son is 7, we had to tell him if somethings bothering you try real hard to not cry because some people don't know that when you make someone cry it's time to stop hurting the other person. (I just don't want him to be teased.) It's hard to explain to a kid that some people get their power from hurting others, therefore if they show that they are hurt the other person might not stop with the hurting. I use the bad guys from the superhero stories. When my DC ask why there are bad people I say it's to balance the good ones. Hard to explain all of this, but I hope it helps.

[Anonymous]

It's not fake, but very real. You don't want to be marginalized or teased or looked as askance if you can help it. My son makes funny noises when he's excited or scared, which previously was cute. But now he's 9, we tell him some of his peers could tease him (and they have, actually). So he tries to tone it down when he remembers.

[Anonymous]

My son is 9 and he knows that much of life is just nodding and smiling. You are allowed to think whatever you want in your head but you really need to think before you speak. My older brother has gotten fired from countless jobs for always speaking his mind even when it is clear what that will get him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to call it "faking" it, but call it being mature and keeping your head held high.

+1. Exactly. This is extremely important in life. And yes, I do tell my children that it is important to exhibit grace under trying circumstances (aka "fake it" or "hold it together" at least in public) and I try to help them practice this. I consider it an essential skill that will be useful to them for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Of course. That sort of niceness out of obligation even when you dislike the person is just basic manners, and we absolutely require that from our kids.

Plus, the ability to be courteous to someone you dislike and act with enough composure that nobody really notices there's any drama between the two of you is going to be a useful skill later in life when it is truly needed for important work or social situations.

Learning to do this, and do it well, at a young age also places my children in the best possible position for coming out on top of "mean girl" type drama.

Treating the mean girl with perfect, if subtly cool, composure and courtesy should ideally return the power in the situation to my kids:
1) If they can pull this off well enough (it requires practice) the mean girl won't be able to tell she's getting under their skin -- thus making it less likely she will persist in targeting someone who doesn't react or even seem to care.
2) Closely related to the point above, it may throw the mean girl off balance if my kids do not react typically but instead go for a disinterested but diplomatic and pleasant stance. Anything that ruins an adversary's plan, rattles them, and forces them to improvise, is likely to be something that can be used for your own benefit. My children can hopefully exploit that to turn the tide of the situation and cease the mean girl's targeting of them.
3) Being nice to the other person, even when they would rather do anything but that, is likely to keep my kids out of trouble and ensure that they look good to their peers and adult authorities no matter what the mean girl has planned to trash their reputation.

I know I always admired people with enough grace and confidence (possibly also called class) to remain calm, collected and kind in tough situations. This will speak highly of your DD's character and discredit the mean girl, all while making sure your DD takes the high road and handles the social scene in a way you can be proud of.

[Anonymous]

It isn't "faking it" but keeping your own counsel and keeping control of a situation.

It comes with growing up.

So yeah, I tell him that.

[Anonymous]

You could say that 'love' as in love your neighbor is not a feeling but an action; that you do not have to like someone in order to be loving. Also, you might read this interpretation of 'turn the other cheek'
http://dharmagates.org/other_cheek.html

[Anonymous]

I can't believe you even need to tell a teenager this. It's in their DNA.

[Anonymous]

I tell my teenage DD that at her age, everyone is self absorbed; the things she worries and obsesses about are not obviouslynoticed by others - teens are so focused on themselves.

And, everyone, most especially the very popular, very pretty girls have problems and insecurities and worries...even more so than what you'd likely think.

[Anonymous]

Fake it until you make it.

Go big or go home.

[Anonymous]

Rub some dirt in it and walk it off - Yeah Baby!

[Anonymous]

Controlling one's emotions is one of the hallmarks of maturity. Absolutely you need to counsel your children in this skill. I see a lot of young people in the workplace who can't do this. It has nothing to do with "faking." It has to with having a social face vs. a public face. Many young people today don't understand that what you put on Facebook is not what you put out in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes. I talk about a couple of things. One is culture. There are many different cultures, countries, families, etc. One way to enjoy cultures is to participate in that culture. Like our non-Catholic boys in a Catholic school.

To offenses, I tell them to act, not react. It's about you, not them. Call me names, whatever, I find it an interesting phenomenon, but don't react.

It takes a while for this to sink in.