Daughter caught in the middle of mean girl behavior

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old daughter started a new school last year. She made some nice friends although some of her closer friends left at the end of the year (international school). This year she was put in a class apart from the friends she made last year and has made some new friends. One of them, I have just learned, is kind of a mean girl, and has decided she doesn't like a couple of the other girls that my daughter is friends with. I don't think my daughter is exhibiting the mean girl behavior but I do think she is standing by silent while her friend is.

I don't know this girls parents very well - she has invited my daughter for some play dates and a couple sleepovers (one on one and also with another girl). We have never had the girl over to our house but she does sports with my daughter. I am friends with the mother of one of the girls who is now being excluded and she told me her daughter is very upset BH my daughter being part of this since she considers her a friend. I feel terrible, didn't know any of this was going on until literally 3 days ago.

We want to have a talk with her but not sure what to say. I want her to know that her choices and actions have consequences. If she doesn't stand up for her other friend (or at least stand up for herself) she will probably eventually lose one or both of these good friends. And what's to say that mean girl won't decide she's done being friends with my daughter at some point? We will move back to the US in 18 months, they are in 5th but start middle school all together (same school) next year in 5th. I was on the losing end of girl drama at this age so I am very sensitive about it. I really don't think my daughter is the instigator here -- her teacher told us she is struggling and feeling torn between these groups and it's affecting her schoolwork.

Would appreciate any and all advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 10 year old daughter started a new school last year. She made some nice friends although some of her closer friends left at the end of the year (international school). This year she was put in a class apart from the friends she made last year and has made some new friends. One of them, I have just learned, is kind of a mean girl, and has decided she doesn't like a couple of the other girls that my daughter is friends with. I don't think my daughter is exhibiting the mean girl behavior but I do think she is standing by silent while her friend is.

I don't know this girls parents very well - she has invited my daughter for some play dates and a couple sleepovers (one on one and also with another girl). We have never had the girl over to our house but she does sports with my daughter. I am friends with the mother of one of the girls who is now being excluded and she told me her daughter is very upset BH my daughter being part of this since she considers her a friend. I feel terrible, didn't know any of this was going on until literally 3 days ago.

We want to have a talk with her but not sure what to say. I want her to know that her choices and actions have consequences. If she doesn't stand up for her other friend (or at least stand up for herself) she will probably eventually lose one or both of these good friends. And what's to say that mean girl won't decide she's done being friends with my daughter at some point? We will move back to the US in 18 months, they are in 5th but start middle school all together (same school) next year in 5th. I was on the losing end of girl drama at this age so I am very sensitive about it. I really don't think my daughter is the instigator here -- her teacher told us she is struggling and feeling torn between these groups and it's affecting her schoolwork.

Would appreciate any and all advice.

Sorry for typos - OP here - next year she will be in 6th.

Friend's daughter is upset by my daughter being part of this...

[Anonymous]

American Girl makes great advice books for kids this age. There is one on this exact subject.

Here's a list of all bookshttp://store.americangirl.com/agshop/html/thumbnail/id/1770/uid/137/view/all

here's a link to one of one of the relevant books, "Stand up for yourself and your friends"
http://store.americangirl.com/agshop/html/item/id/165074/uid/137

and on a tangent, the Care and Keeping of You collection is fantastic and wow when my kid started her period, she was completely unphased thanks to that book (which I just left on her bed one day way before she needed it)

[Anonymous]

I've dealt with similar situations with my kids. I find what works for me is to tell my kids what I heard and let them give me their perspective. Conversation tends to flow naturally from that point.

[Anonymous]

It might help your daughter to hear about your experience being on the other end of this.

[Anonymous]

The mean girl is probably trying to isolate your daughter from her other friends so that she can exert more control over her.

Does your daughter truly like and enjoy being friends with the targeted girls?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mean girl is probably trying to isolate your daughter from her other friends so that she can exert more control over her.

Does your daughter truly like and enjoy being friends with the targeted girls?

+1

Bully behavior.

We talk about all the time. I give examples. We read the American Girl books together.

You would be creating more drama and asking for rebellion if you "forbid" DD from seeing the mean girl, it is asking for trouble, and not realistic. Kids have to learn and pick their own friends. They have to learn what makes a good friend. You can help them, but of course, you can't make them do anything, or it will backfire entirely. Be there and listen and talk about the importance of a good friend.

In our situation, the mean girl feels isolated and cut off from most children, she has too many activities, and can not handle them all. She is discouraged from speaking up. She acts out at school and during playdates. Its awful. I calmly correct her, we don't do that in our house. Zero tolerance for disrespect and leaving people out. It really peeves me sometimes, but I don't let anyone see it, because that would be fodder for more.

Keep your ears open and create situations for more friends if you can, OP.

[Anonymous]

The way I dealt with this when I was that age was to say I would play with everyone together. So, for ex, when two friends told me they would only play with me if I ditched another girl, I said I wanted to play with all of them and would not ditch the other girl. So I played with the targeted girl but made it clear the other friends were welcome to join me. Eventually, after a couple days, they did. This only works if you are pretty popular though - if kids want to play with you.

[Anonymous]

Read odd girl out it covers this behavior in a lot of depth. Essentially there are a couple risks here:

Your daughter learns this is the way of friendships and adopts mean girl behavior
Your daughter learns that friendship is precarious and feels bound by the norms of of the dominant mean girl
Your daughter learns to be suspicious of other girls and carries that into adulthood.

Long and short confront it, talk to your daughter about friendship and pressures of friendship and why it is valuable and how other girls can be manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mean girl is probably trying to isolate your daughter from her other friends so that she can exert more control over her.

Does your daughter truly like and enjoy being friends with the targeted girls?

I am pretty sure this is what's happening. She does like and enjoy being friends with the targeted girls. One was in her class last year and they were very good friends. Another is in her class this year and they had become good friends. I don't think it helps that these two are also friends with each other - I think the second became a target by associating with the first. My daughter is a very friendly person and I think everyone likes her so I don't want that to change. But I'm afraid if she aligns with this mean girl she will eventually put herself in a position where these kids won't want to be her friend either, if she is just standing by while exclusion, name calling and mean texting is going on.

I will look at some of the American Girl stuff - she isn't as in to it now but we have the dolls and read a lot of the books and magazine in the past so she might be receptive to it.

Fwiw we tried to have a conversation about this today. We let her know her teacher had told us about what's going on. She said it wasn't her, it was the two other girls. Then my husband said he'd heard the one girl had also been mean to the other friend and that she needed to be aware that this other girl was very upset by it and didn't know if my daughter was even still her friend. We also reassured that we had both had issues with this at her age. She didn't supply much information and seemed very uncomfortable but I could tell it was stressful for her. I hope just knowing that we are aware will let her know it's okay to talk about. I'm trying very hard to avoid telling her to not be friends with the mean girl. Everyone needs friends and I think there is room for my daughter to be friends with as many different people as she likes, even if they are not all friends with each other. And mean girl doesn't even have to like the others or hang out with them, just not be unkind. I appreciate all the tips and suggestions. Just so hard

[Anonymous]

Fifth grade: the year mean girls come to the front.

OP: YOu need to say exactly this to your daughter which you wrote above:
I think there is room for my daughter to be friends with as many different people as she likes, even if they are not all friends with each other. And mean girl doesn't even have to like the others or hang out with them, just not be unkind.

You then need to help her find the words - lots of kids just don't know what to say - to put it into place.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she should reach out to the girls who are being treated meanly - invite them over, or maybe both over but one on one. Make it clear she still likes them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fifth grade: the year mean girls come to the front.

OP: YOu need to say exactly this to your daughter which you wrote above:
I think there is room for my daughter to be friends with as many different people as she likes, even if they are not all friends with each other. And mean girl doesn't even have to like the others or hang out with them, just not be unkind.

You then need to help her find the words - lots of kids just don't know what to say - to put it into place.

Thanks for this. I wish I knew the words to recommend but I appreciate the validation that this is the right way to go...hopefully she and I can find the words together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she should reach out to the girls who are being treated meanly - invite them over, or maybe both over but one on one. Make it clear she still likes them.

She had one of them over recently, before I knew this was going on, and they had a really good time. Actually this girl A made it sound like she and my daughter were drifting apart from another girl they had both been friends with last year, but it sounded more like that was based on interests, that the other girl only wanted to sit around and talk at recess, while A and my daughter liked playing soccer.

Good news is she will go to a sleepover birthday party for A next weekend. Mean girl won't be there and then she and A will go together to soccer. Hopefully this will reinforce some of the friendship. But I agree, I need to create some opportunities for her to spend time with these two that is apart from the mean girl.

This past weekend she went to the other targeted girl's birthday party but oddly the mean girl was there. Makes me wonder whether this girl E has told her parents what is going on. I was very surprised to learn that the mean girl attended the party of this girl that she's been so mean to.

[Anonymous]

I would redefine this. You daughter being silent is exhibiting mean girl behavior. Own this and get her to own this. When I was growing up my mom said if I stood silent I was just as guilty. I think this is important to digest because it feels less icky to blame it on someone else, sort of makes your daughter a victim ie "she is standing silent while someone else is being mean"--no she is being mean too by being silent. She also gets a payoff by being the special snowflake that the "mean girl" likes. It is all equally bad. I would have a heart to heart on what it means to be nice and if you have to wonder about it, you are not being nice and being a jerk is no way to live successfully.