Passive-aggressive "friend"

[Anonymous]

I've stayed in touch with a guy I've known since high school and we chat from time to time. Of late, his life is on fire and we've been rehashing the same problems (he's broke, his marriage is crap, he runs his body into the ground and gets sick all the time...). As he's long-distance, I tend to use the internet as a buffer, only replying when I have the time and inclination to deal with his drama. For the most part, this has worked.

Recently, he went on a bender and was basically wasted for a whole week. He blames his wife, says she coerced him into drinking, blah, blah, blah. He has taken very little responsibility for the event, and yet refused to even discuss leaving the person he claimed was responsible (his wife). Ever since his binge, he has been moody, mopey, and basically a "debbie downer." He has also been passive-aggressively picking minor fights and lashing out at me.

I try to be a supportive friend, because he's obviously in a great deal of pain and under stress. However, there's only so much "wah, wah, wah, poor me, everything sucks" I can hear before I feel like telling him to just STFU and do something already! At the same time, if I pull back and try to withdraw from his dramas, he becomes even more neurotic. I don't want to be a crummy friend and leave when he's at a low point, but it's starting to eat away at my own happiness, and I'm dreading our conversations.

Help? What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Your friend is an alcoholic who will blame anyone else for his drinking with ridiculous excuses. His wife coerced him into drinking? Really? Did she hold a gun to his head?

Tell him he gets sober. Now. Bye Bye. Your psychobabble about trying to be a supportive friend and your listening to his self-pity drivel is only going to lead to being sucked in to his addiction. Soon he will borrow money and ask to sleep on your couch for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Do you get anything positive out of the friendship? If not, pull back. Be slower to respond, be shorter in your responses, and spend less time on "oh, that sucks" and more on "so what are you going to do about it"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is an alcoholic who will blame anyone else for his drinking with ridiculous excuses. His wife coerced him into drinking? Really? Did she hold a gun to his head?

Tell him he gets sober. Now. Bye Bye. Your psychobabble about trying to be a supportive friend and your listening to his self-pity drivel is only going to lead to being sucked in to his addiction. Soon he will borrow money and ask to sleep on your couch for a few years.

I think I, sadly, agree with you, PP. I just don't know how to pull back without getting the drama. Is this one of those "no-contact required" things? I haven't dealt with many alcoholics before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is an alcoholic who will blame anyone else for his drinking with ridiculous excuses. His wife coerced him into drinking? Really? Did she hold a gun to his head?

Tell him he gets sober. Now. Bye Bye. Your psychobabble about trying to be a supportive friend and your listening to his self-pity drivel is only going to lead to being sucked in to his addiction. Soon he will borrow money and ask to sleep on your couch for a few years.

I think I, sadly, agree with you, PP. I just don't know how to pull back without getting the drama. Is this one of those "no-contact required" things? I haven't dealt with many alcoholics before.

When he calls, be busy after approximately 30 seconds. As in the doorbell rang, the stove is pouring smoke busy. Hang up the phone busy. Do not provide sympathy. Say things like "Wow, that sounds really hard. What are you going to do about it? You'll have to let me know sometime."

[Anonymous]

Wow...Misery sure loves company as illustrated right here.

OP this guy will suck the energy out of you if you let him. His friendship is just full of bad energy and overall it is just toxic for you to socialize with him right now.

What he needs to do is grow up, be mature and take full responsibility for his choices. He is an adult and needs to accountable for whatever decisions and/or behaviors he makes in life. Instead of placing blame on other people, he needs to take the bull by the horns and straighten up his own life on his own terms.

You have your own life to lead as well and honestly OP, this guy's bad energy will bring you down.

Let me tell you something.

When two people have a relationship whether it be a friendship or whatever...doesn't matter...If one person is moving upward and the other person is moving downward, it is ALWAYS the person who is moving downward who will bring the person moving upward down alongside him. Never the opposite.

So I think you need to take a step back and let your friend do some growing up and do a temporary "fade out" until he does.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Call his wife and tell him you will join her at an intervention for him.

[Anonymous]

Cut ties. Dude is a loser.

[Anonymous]

"Friend, it sounds like you have a tremendous amount of stress in your life. I also think a lot of it is beyond what I'm able to help you with, and I think your reliance upon me and our friendship is keeping you from getting the help you really need. I value our friendship, but I think you need take these issues to a counselor/doctor/AA and work through them with someone better qualified to help you."

Then cut back the contact, and when he starts venting to you about how everything sucks, your response is, "That sounds awful, what are you doing to get help with that?" If the answer is nothing, encourage him to get help and end the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Friend, it sounds like you have a tremendous amount of stress in your life. I also think a lot of it is beyond what I'm able to help you with, and I think your reliance upon me and our friendship is keeping you from getting the help you really need. I value our friendship, but I think you need take these issues to a counselor/doctor/AA and work through them with someone better qualified to help you."

Then cut back the contact, and when he starts venting to you about how everything sucks, your response is, "That sounds awful, what are you doing to get help with that?" If the answer is nothing, encourage him to get help and end the conversation.

Any version of this that feels comfortable is how I'd go. This is excellent advice. Be direct, kind, and clear. Don't blame/condemn him - focus on what you can and cannot do for him, and the demands of your own life.

Be grateful that you aren't nearby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
his life is on fire
he's broke
his marriage is crap
he runs his body into the ground and gets sick all the time
he went on a bender and was basically wasted for a whole week.
He blames his wife, says she coerced him into drinking
He has taken very little responsibility for the event
he has been moody, mopey, and basically a "debbie downer."
He has also been passive-aggressively picking minor fights and lashing out at me.

I think passive aggressiveness is the least of his problems!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
his life is on fire
he's broke
his marriage is crap
he runs his body into the ground and gets sick all the time
he went on a bender and was basically wasted for a whole week.
He blames his wife, says she coerced him into drinking
He has taken very little responsibility for the event
he has been moody, mopey, and basically a "debbie downer."
He has also been passive-aggressively picking minor fights and lashing out at me.

I think passive aggressiveness is the least of his problems!

Well, when you put it that way...

Yeah, I think I need to evaluate why I'm still a part of this "friendship". It's not like the care and concern has been going both ways lately...

[Anonymous]

Is the drinking a theme? or just another part of his overall acting out? He sounds like he needs a therapist...

I read personality issues, possible substance abuse or addiction..

It's okay to take a break from it all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the drinking a theme? or just another part of his overall acting out? He sounds like he needs a therapist...

I read personality issues, possible substance abuse or addiction..

It's okay to take a break from it all

He does need a therapist. Badly. But he won't go. He has had substance abuse issues in the past, and had already gone on one bender last year, about 6 months before this one. Kinda makes me feel like it's merely a matter of time before this cycle repeats. He's one of those types who thinks he has all the answers.

I think what I really needed to hear was that it's okay to just... not. It's not like there's much of anything I can do for him anyway. I'm sad to see him this way, but if that's what he chooses, there's not much I can do.