Help my family get through this.
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Anonymous
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DH's family is going through a god awful crisis and he is having to come to terms with the idea that he could lose a very close sibling. The family is devastated. DH's stress levels are through the roof and I find that he is criticizing me more, being very negative, reaching his temper "threshold" faster - meaning he starts screaming more quickly and just is inconsolable. Lately I've found him screaming at our 18 month old DC when he doesn't "cooperate." B/t work, family, and home, he just is struggling to keep it together.
I am also at peak stress. I'm taking on more of the parenting in addition to what I normally do. His travels to see family often leave me as the main parent - which is difficult b/c I work at minimum 10 hours a day. And, sadly, my patience with him broke yesterday. I'm finding it difficult to see him disconnected from us and from our DC, I'm exhausted from working and trying to keep everything together at home; and his negativity and criticism of me are really hurtful. I've suggested counseling, but he refuses. We can't afford much additional help as far as DC goes. My work schedule can be somewhat flexible, so I'm hoping to alter it in the coming weeks to make it work better for the family. We had a screaming match yesterday after we had both been short with each other. Ugh. Would love some advice. |
Anonymous
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He needs to talk through his feelings with someone other than you. If you go to church/synagogue get him to talk with your priest/rabbi. If not, see if you can get him to go talk to a counselor or someone else who can help him process this.
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Anonymous
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Do your best to not be short with him. This too shall pass. What he will remember is how you helped him through the stress or how you made it worse.
Flex what you can at work. Take on more responsibility for home hearth and kid for awhile. But...you do need to talk and let him know that while you love and support him his stress cannot be taken out on you and an innocent kid. If he needs a break to cope give him a way to take the break. |
Anonymous
This. Hugs Op |
Anonymous
I also agree! Make it your business to be extra supportive, this is what marriage IS. But calmly assert a boundary that you will not tolerate screaming either. If he feels he can't keep it together with his child then he has to ask you for help. |
Anonymous
| OP, you endure and protect your child. This too shall pass. |
Anonymous
| You need to cut him a lot more slack. He needs your support right now. You need to accept that he is going to be less available to you and your DC. This is important. Support him. |
Anonymous
Yep. Tell him you are doing the best you can, some things are inevitably going to slip, what is he worried about on the homefront, and you take off a day later this week or next to catch up and catch your breath. And ask him to spare some kindness for you and the kids--that it is unimaginable what he is going through, but that he can't let it get that bad with the family. Find time for just you and he to talk so it doesn't build up quite so much. |
Anonymous
| Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help too. If one of my friends was mainly solo parenting while their spouse was away with an ill relative, I'd be more than happy to pitch in with some extra play dates, sleepovers, babysitting, drop off a meal, whatever. |
Anonymous
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Ask your friends. Even if they aren't close friends. This is how people become close friends!
Spend the money even if it's too much. You can figure out the finances later-- time with family and your DH's sibling is priceless. It's ok to spend money at times like this. |
Anonymous
| op, most of your post is "I'm this, I'm that" Of course he said no to therapy, the poor guy has enough on his plate right now. |
Anonymous
| OP Be supportive but also remind him that "you can't take it out on me" |
Anonymous
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Give yourself and your DH some room to adjust to this crisis, OP. If the sibling takes a turn for the worse, you will need to be prepared for that as well. And just remember that he has been taking it out on you and your child because he can, not because he wants to. |
Anonymous
Agreeing totally with these folks. Remind each other that you're on the same team - you have each other's backs and you won't make each other pay the price for all the stress you're under if you can help it. Together figure out ways to get through this period - solutions you come up with together will feel better, stand a chance of working better, and help facilitate better communication: - what can you let go of for the next few weeks/months? - what can you hire out? - find a mother's helper - it's really cheap to have a tweener come in and play with your kids and free you up for a nap or household management or whatever. Most economical stress reliever we have in our house. - let friends help you. - carve out one night somewhere to do something as a family that you'll enjoy - whatever it is. A hike, a movie night, pizza on the family room floor, a game of twister, etc... Plan for and prioritize some little pocket of core family fun - it will help carry you through darker days. Hang in there. Remember this is short term and be as kind as you can possibly find a way to be to each other, and to yourselves. |
Anonymous
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Thanks for the kind replies. I guess part of the problem is that I deal with stress by planning and figuring out how to move forward. I'm bad at taking breaks and letting things sink in. I think he's hit a point where it's incredibly hard for him to stay engaged without drifting into his thoughts. I'm an idiot and I try to pull him out through conversation or asking him to engage DC. It's actually more manageable sometimes when he is out of town.
It's tough too b/c we just moved and don't know very many people. We have a few friends, but not nearly as much as we had previously. Man. I feel like a lousy wife. |