Mental illness and the holidays
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Anonymous
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My brother is bipolar and this is the main source of our family problems. He can never hold a job for more than a few months, still lives with my eldery parents and demands money from family members. He recently got fired from his last job after having an attitude problem. Christmas was awful. He was yelling and screaming during Xmas Eve. I was scared of him. Didn't want my kids around him. He did not want to get up to see the kids open gifts. He was really pissy that we wanted the whole family up to open presents.
Should we just not include him in the holidays? I don't know what to do. We hosted this year and my parents and brother drove down to our house. DH thinks we should not host my brother. At the same time, it would break my heart for my brother to spend Christmas alone. |
Anonymous
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I just don't get what bi-polar really is, and it's odd because I've a lifelong amateur understanding of various mental illnesses. Those bipolar people whom I have known either didn't act crazy around me, or were selfish, lazy and generally dishonest. It seemed they lacked virtue more than anything else--which is why I see that I do not understand the illness.
We have mental illness (just not diagnosed bipolar)in our family, and the thought of them being alone on Christmas is just awful, despite how difficult they are. |
Anonymous
OP here. About 50% of the time, my brother is great. That is when he is on his meds and functional. Another 30% of the time, he is fine, just a bit more moody than a normal person. About 15% of the time, he is depressed, like he doesn't leave the house at all for months depressed. 5% of the time he is scary to be around. I am genuinely afraid to be around him. Whenever I hear about another mass shooting involving a mentally ill person, I wonder if my brother will one day harm others. Once every few years, it gets so bad that we need to get the police involved to get him hospitalized. |
Anonymous
| You should not have forced him to wake up early to see your kids open gifts. Why was that necessary? That would annoy many people, bipolar or not, but it is important that bipolar people not have their sleep patterns thrown off. You really shouldn't be dictating to a grow person what their sleep hours are, much less someone with a mental illness who may need to get more sleep. Read up on his illness. |
Anonymous
| If he is not welcome at your house, your parents should spend Christmas with him, not you. |
Anonymous
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If you can tell whether he will have an extreme manic episode at your house, then by all means, make him personal non grata during that time. It doesn't matter if it's a last-minute cancellation, your kids' safety trumps everything. The rest of the time, he sounds livable. My FIL has bipolar disorder, and I have never known him to be violent. He was manic at our wedding and was excited and talked a lot. He can become depressed, a hypochondriac and irritable towards my MIL, who bears it stoically, bless her heart. |
Anonymous
| I had to excommunicate my mother because there was that small chance of danger. It was hard, but necessary. If you decide to keep him around, you need to understand his disease and respect the boundaries. |
Anonymous
I agree. I don't think you need to cut him out of Christmas, but keep your expectations low. Tell him what time you're going to open presents, eat meals, etc. if he wants to participate with the family he will. |
Anonymous
I am dealing with this now with a relative. It is sad, but we were advised to keep our young children away. |
Anonymous
| Why did he have to wake up? Why was it important to have everyone watching the gift exchange? It wasn't important to him, clearly bespectacled his boundaries, for goodness sake. |
Anonymous
OP here. You are right. I should not have woken him up for the gifts. My kids woke up at 7. We were waiting for my brother to start opening gifts. When he is on his good times, he doesn't mind waking up with the rest of the family. I will let him be next year. |
Anonymous
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OP, just add "lots of violent, drug-induced behavior" to your description and that is my family to a T. For the past few years it's been a moot point b/c sibling has been IN JAIL over the holidays and so we were less concerned about exposing our kids to a potentially violent and damaging situation.
DH and I, as well as some extended family members, finally put our collective feet down after years of this. Sib is not welcome in our homes, sib is not welcome around our children (and DH would add, not welcome around me. He does not like what being around sib does to me). Parents have been forced to make some pretty painful choices. I recognize this, objectively - yes, this SUCKS for them as they are sib's only lifeline and enablers. But this is THEIR CHILD and they have the right to do what is best for that child. However, the rest of the family is simply doing what's best for THEIR kids. Everyone is making choices, even my parents who, I think, still feel that their choice was thrust upon them. I try to remember that they are making a choice, a hard choice, and not hold it against them that they choose to spend holidays with sib instead of me/my family. It's tough, I won't lie. OP, do you or your parents see your brother regularly? Can you "sense" when he's about to start a downhill slide? If so, can you have a candid talk with your parents about the best way to handle next year? They couldn't have enjoyed the tension, either. |
Anonymous
WHAT??? OP, go re-read your first post. This was more than just being upset about opening gifts on Christmas morning. He was upset throughout the visit and FRIGHTENED YOUR CHILDREN! Your response is that "I'll let him be next year" and won't make him open presents??? No, how about he doesn't get to be around your kids. Stop making excuses. Stop tiptoeing around this. His mental illness is not an excuse to be a jackass. He doesn't get to terrorize your family. Either he gets treated and take his meds so that he can be safe to be around, or he doesn't spend time with you. Period. |
Anonymous
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I have a mentally ill sister. I never have a good time with her. I never spend a holiday with her. If your brother is OK most of the time and you enjoy him then invite him, but don't expect anything of him. Don't expect him to come down to watch kids open presents. If he scares you and the kids, do not invite him. Your parents can decide if they want to come alone or stay with brother, probably they will stay with brother.
The trick is how to you entertain your parents without your brother. Maybe at non-holiday times, invite just the parents. |
Anonymous
Excellent advice. I also have a mentally ill sister. Fortunately, she has not done anything violent but she has cussed out my mother. |