Sad about Parents -- Sad for my DC .... No Answers, Just Sad.....

[Anonymous]

This post is rambling: I'm sorry, and I also note up front that I'm self-indulging in feeling sorry for myself on Christmas Eve, eve....

We relocated (not by choice, but by necessity due to DH's job) across the country earlier this year. My mother, who is mentally ill/including borderline personality disorder, has never "liked" me (although I have usually believed she loves me in her own way) and now she is even more aggressively 'disliking' me although she would never admit it. This attitude is beginning to also transfer to DC, who's in elementary school. This holiday, things are rapidly unraveling, and tonight, I'm having a pity party that focuses on three minor, silly things....

First, my mother passively/aggressively asked me to cancel the plans I had made to bring DC to see them over the break (we're losing the money on the tickets, but that can't be helped at this point -- it's a long story that involves my mother's desire to see DC only when her other grandchildren/DC's cousins are also in town, which wouldn't be the case since those children are leaving town the day we would have gotten there to visit their other grandparents in a different city). Today, my mother told me that she had sent DC's present (a check, which is fine, since she complains that sending anything other than a check by mail is too expensive) and that she had not sent my present (or DH's) but that she'd do so after Christmas. As nicely as I could, I told her please not to worry about giving us anything: she said "well, we''ll see." But the last straw is the silliest, and I acknowledge I'm being ridiculous. I asked my mom if she had gotten our holiday card, and she said "Yes, but...." and proceeded to ask why we had not chosen a different picture for the card (there are three pictures in the card, which DH and I designed: I asked her if she had seen all three pictures, and she admitted she'd only looked at 2 of them but that neither showed DC's 'beautiful face' in the same way that another picture we'd given my mom does. We'd not chosen that shot because it didn't work with the message on the card and because honestly, it is so clearly a 'portrait' of DC, one that spotlights physical beauty, that it didn't feel comfortable.

I didn't even try to answer my mother's question. Instead, I said (sweetly, calmly) "I understand, and I can tell that you really don't care for the card, so I won't send it out to family this year because I don't want to upset you." Yes, it was passive/aggressive on my part; yes, I ceded control; yes, it was immature. But I simply could not imagine hearing her complain about how her family would wonder why we had sent such unattractive pictures of DC and I knew I'd be hearing about this for months to come. The pictures are by no means unattractive -- DC is a strikingly attractive child and these pictures capture that as well as personality and hobbies. And even if we had chosen the shot my mother purports to like, she would have criticized it/us/DC....something similar happened last year. And her family (most of whom are FB friends with me and have seen plenty of DC's 'beautiful face' online) would probably love the card and probably wouldn't say a thing to my mother except to praise it, which would anger her and thus cause another round of nastiness. In the end, none of this is about the pictures, the card, etc.,. -- my grown-up self knows that. But thousands of miles and a lifetime of some 'tough stuff' away, it's hard to hear that grown-up self.

I'm sure I have done many things to alienate and upset my mother, nearly all of them in self-preservation and nearly all of them involving not seeing her as frequently as she wishes I had in previous years. I have also done my best to try and support her and my father. I am certainly not proud of the way that I was sometimes disrespectful to her as a child (something of which she reminds me whenever I see her, and/or by phone if I don't see her). So my pity party is laced with guilt, sadness, regret, self-recrimination. I just wish things were different, and tonight, even though I know it's for the best that I'm not taking DC back to the East Coast to see them, my heart aches that I don't feel 'liked' or welcomed or really even loved at my parents' home and that my DC will never really know grandparents' love in a way she will fully remember.

I don't think that there's any advice or counsel I'm seeking here -- I wish there were, frankly, for that would mean that I sought some hope for this situation. I already know to count my blessings -- wonderful DC, supportive DH, financial stability, opportunities for new adventures in our new lives. I just wish that the blessings of a mother and grandmother who loves and respects and likes not only me, but also DC, were among them. .....

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to create morbid drama out of nothing. Time to see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Yes, therapy. You can't change how she treats you, but you can change how you take it and how you view her actions. You are way too wrapped up in childhood drama. Having dysfunctional parents can do that to you, and therapy can help you break out of it and move on, mentally.

[Anonymous]

She is who she is. WHy are you even talking to her about pictures and what other people wold think. Sbe will never be who you want her to be.
At least you have a nice family.
My parents are rich (father worked for Shell most as a petrochemist), but as a first born female child I was never loved -- the fact that I had a darker skin (olive) than the rest of my family made things worse.
Bottom line -- the rest of my family is rich. My child does not even get a birthday or christmas card from grandma or rich uncles/cousins -- but such is life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, therapy. You can't change how she treats you, but you can change how you take it and how you view her actions. You are way too wrapped up in childhood drama. Having dysfunctional parents can do that to you, and therapy can help you break out of it and move on, mentally.

"Too wrapped up" is exactly the phrase that came to my mind when I was working my way through the op. Your mother sounds troubled, and you're feeding into the drama in really unhealthy ways. Not your fault. It's what you learned when you were growing up. Do yourself (and your family) a favor: break out of that cycle. Therapy will help you do that. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Borderline people thrive on conflict.

My mother is also borderline and I go through this all the time with her. She has also picked fights with me about holiday cards. One year I sent her a mothers' day card with a frog on it and she picked a fight about that.

OP, you CANNOT get down over this. And the notion that you won't send out the card because of her complaints -- utterly ludicrous. Because a week from now she won't even remember this conversation and will deny ever having it with you. And will complain that you did not send out the beautiful card.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have escaped a no doubt psychologically torturous holiday with your bpd mom.

Huge up side!

[Anonymous]

Explain passively/aggressively asking you to cancel plans? Do you know what the term means?

Did she say "don't come?" Because otherwise don't change your plans.

Am willing to bet you feed the "monster" a bit. The nonsense about not sending the xmas card bc you think she doesn't like it is the dumbest bs. Who mails cards at different times? Didn't you put them all in the mail at once?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, therapy. You can't change how she treats you, but you can change how you take it and how you view her actions. You are way too wrapped up in childhood drama. Having dysfunctional parents can do that to you, and therapy can help you break out of it and move on, mentally.

"Too wrapped up" is exactly the phrase that came to my mind when I was working my way through the op. Your mother sounds troubled, and you're feeding into the drama in really unhealthy ways. Not your fault. It's what you learned when you were growing up. Do yourself (and your family) a favor: break out of that cycle. Therapy will help you do that. Good luck.

+1

I feel sad for you, OP. I mean that in the kindest way.

[Anonymous]

Significant mental illness in a parent means significant therapy for the adult children.

No child should have to earn her parent's affection. Your mom is messed up. Be glad you moved away, and get some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is rambling: I'm sorry, and I also note up front that I'm self-indulging in feeling sorry for myself on Christmas Eve, eve....

We relocated (not by choice, but by necessity due to DH's job) across the country earlier this year. My mother, who is mentally ill/including borderline personality disorder, has never "liked" me (although I have usually believed she loves me in her own way) and now she is even more aggressively 'disliking' me although she would never admit it. This attitude is beginning to also transfer to DC, who's in elementary school. This holiday, things are rapidly unraveling, and tonight, I'm having a pity party that focuses on three minor, silly things....

First, my mother passively/aggressively asked me to cancel the plans I had made to bring DC to see them over the break (we're losing the money on the tickets, but that can't be helped at this point -- it's a long story that involves my mother's desire to see DC only when her other grandchildren/DC's cousins are also in town, which wouldn't be the case since those children are leaving town the day we would have gotten there to visit their other grandparents in a different city). Today, my mother told me that she had sent DC's present (a check, which is fine, since she complains that sending anything other than a check by mail is too expensive) and that she had not sent my present (or DH's) but that she'd do so after Christmas. As nicely as I could, I told her please not to worry about giving us anything: she said "well, we''ll see." But the last straw is the silliest, and I acknowledge I'm being ridiculous. I asked my mom if she had gotten our holiday card, and she said "Yes, but...." and proceeded to ask why we had not chosen a different picture for the card (there are three pictures in the card, which DH and I designed: I asked her if she had seen all three pictures, and she admitted she'd only looked at 2 of them but that neither showed DC's 'beautiful face' in the same way that another picture we'd given my mom does. We'd not chosen that shot because it didn't work with the message on the card and because honestly, it is so clearly a 'portrait' of DC, one that spotlights physical beauty, that it didn't feel comfortable.

I didn't even try to answer my mother's question. Instead, I said (sweetly, calmly) "I understand, and I can tell that you really don't care for the card, so I won't send it out to family this year because I don't want to upset you." Yes, it was passive/aggressive on my part; yes, I ceded control; yes, it was immature. But I simply could not imagine hearing her complain about how her family would wonder why we had sent such unattractive pictures of DC and I knew I'd be hearing about this for months to come. The pictures are by no means unattractive -- DC is a strikingly attractive child and these pictures capture that as well as personality and hobbies. And even if we had chosen the shot my mother purports to like, she would have criticized it/us/DC....something similar happened last year. And her family (most of whom are FB friends with me and have seen plenty of DC's 'beautiful face' online) would probably love the card and probably wouldn't say a thing to my mother except to praise it, which would anger her and thus cause another round of nastiness. In the end, none of this is about the pictures, the card, etc.,. -- my grown-up self knows that. But thousands of miles and a lifetime of some 'tough stuff' away, it's hard to hear that grown-up self.

I'm sure I have done many things to alienate and upset my mother, nearly all of them in self-preservation and nearly all of them involving not seeing her as frequently as she wishes I had in previous years. I have also done my best to try and support her and my father. I am certainly not proud of the way that I was sometimes disrespectful to her as a child (something of which she reminds me whenever I see her, and/or by phone if I don't see her). So my pity party is laced with guilt, sadness, regret, self-recrimination. I just wish things were different, and tonight, even though I know it's for the best that I'm not taking DC back to the East Coast to see them, my heart aches that I don't feel 'liked' or welcomed or really even loved at my parents' home and that my DC will never really know grandparents' love in a way she will fully remember.

I don't think that there's any advice or counsel I'm seeking here -- I wish there were, frankly, for that would mean that I sought some hope for this situation. I already know to count my blessings -- wonderful DC, supportive DH, financial stability, opportunities for new adventures in our new lives. I just wish that the blessings of a mother and grandmother who loves and respects and likes not only me, but also DC, were among them. .....

OP - my mom has never like me either, and has shown me hatred and constantly picks fights with me. My solution? My family and I don't visit during the Holidays as I refuse to ruin my DC's Holidays. My DC, who is 7, flies to the Midwest to visit my family- by himself - as they would never mistreat him. I cannot stand the tension, or the snide comments when we visit and I was having a hard time controlling myself in their presence. I'm not sure how they feel about our not visiting, maybe they're happy and relieved but I really don't care as we're happy to be celebrating at home with no drama. I do not feel guilty - at all!

[Anonymous]

OMG. Grow up. You have your own family now and live far away from your mother. Just grow up.

[Anonymous]

I've gotten to a place where I really don't care what my mother thinks of me anymore. It's really liberating. And it frustrates her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a mother like this. She had BPD and was alcoholic. Sometimes she kept her children as enmeshed as possible in the family relationship and sometimes she didn't seem to care about us one bit. (The "not caring" times were better for us, because we were free to live our lives.) During the enmeshed times, she started a LOT of fights. Having a fight was one way to make sure that you were paying attention to her and that you cared about her. If you were screaming at the top of your lungs, at least she knew you were engaged in the relationship. She would do all sorts of terrible things to make sure you were paying attention. If you refused to engaged, she just escalated. (Once she smashed all of the windows in my car with a hammer. I was 33.)

I often think that my mother didn't love me, either. That is a terrible feeling. I always wondered what was so WRONG with me, that not even my mother could love me. I thought that no one could ever love me. I was fundamentally not lovable. I was very guarded in relationships and friendships and withdrew early from them because I assumed that no one could care about me or did care about me. (I actually hurt some friends' feelings doing this. They though I didn't like THEM, when really I just assumed that they didn't like ME. I also broke up with a couple of perfectly good boyfriends because they were getting too lovey-dovey and it was confusing to me.)

So here's the deal... if your mother has BPD, she suffers from something called "splitting." She sees people, including her children, as all good or all bad. If she is angry with you, she will see as a terrible person. If she is happy with you, she will see as a perfect person, the best person who ever lived. She can't find a middle ground. It's distorted thinking and a symptom of her mental illness. When she is acting like she doesn't like you, remind yourself that it is her illness talking. It's not a reflection of who you really are or your value as a person.

Also, if she has BPD, she is terribly afraid of being abandoned. It terrifies her. Your family moved away. She is feeling abandoned by you and she is terrified. She is going to take that fear out on you. Again, it's her illness talking. You can help her a little just by saying, "I know, Mom, but you know I love you."
It really helps if you deal with her as if she were a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. Lots of soothing, lots of reassuring, lots of hugs. Don't take anything she says seriously. She wouldn't say it if she wasn't ill. You're going to have to be the balanced grown up in the relationship, because she can't be.

Other than that, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and work on yourself. Therapy is a good idea. The therapeutic relationship can be used to repair some of the damage that your mother's illness has done.