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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I had a mother like this.  She had BPD and was alcoholic.  Sometimes she kept her children as enmeshed as possible in the family relationship and sometimes she didn't seem to care about us one bit.  (The "not caring" times were better for us, because we were free to live our lives.) During the enmeshed times, she started a LOT of fights.  Having a fight was one way to make sure that you were paying attention to her and that you cared about her.  If you were screaming at the top of your lungs, at least she knew you were engaged in the relationship. She would do all sorts of terrible things to make sure you were paying attention. If you refused to engaged, she just escalated. (Once she smashed all of the windows in my car with a hammer. I was 33.)

I often think that my mother didn't love me, either. That is a terrible feeling. I always wondered what was so WRONG with me, that not even my mother could love me. I thought that no one could ever love me. I was fundamentally not lovable. I was very guarded in relationships and friendships and withdrew early from them because I assumed that no one could care about me or did care about me. (I actually hurt some friends' feelings doing this. They though I didn't like THEM, when really I just assumed that they didn't like ME.  I also broke up with a couple of perfectly good boyfriends because they were getting too lovey-dovey and it was confusing to me.)

So here's the deal... if your mother has BPD, she suffers from something called "splitting."  She sees people, including her children, as all good or all bad. If she is angry with you, she will see as a terrible person. If she is happy with you, she will see as a perfect person, the best person who ever lived. She can't find a middle ground. It's distorted thinking and a symptom of her mental illness. When she is acting like she doesn't like you, remind yourself that it is her illness talking.  It's not a reflection of who you really are or your value as a person.

Also, if she has BPD, she is terribly afraid of being abandoned.  It terrifies her. Your family moved away. She is feeling abandoned by you and she is terrified.  She is going to take that fear out on you. Again, it's her illness talking.  You can help her a little just by saying, "I know, Mom, but you know I love you."
It really helps if you deal with her as if she were a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. Lots of soothing, lots of reassuring, lots of hugs. Don't take anything she says seriously. She wouldn't say it if she wasn't ill.  You're going to have to be the balanced grown up in the relationship, because she can't be.

Other than that, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and work on yourself.  Therapy is a good idea.  The therapeutic relationship can be used to repair some of the damage that your mother's illness has done. [/quote]

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