How to be there for sister and BIL

[Anonymous]

We just found out she had a miscarriage and I feel awful for them. I called and left a message that I was so sorry and thinking about them. I totally get they don't want to talk now. Sister and I have always had a little wedge between us because she always felt I got whatever I wanted and it was harder for her (getting into college etc). I want to be supportive without throwing my large family in their face. Of course it couldn't be worse timing with the holidays now because we have so many family get togethers and of course my kids will be there. I would totally understand if they don't want to come but I suspect they will come anyway. Anything I can do not to make it easier for them?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, OP here. I meant "anything I can do to make it easier for them! And NOT make them feel worse."

[Anonymous]

Just be sensitive to her. If she needs to stay home, don't guilt her into coming. Refrain from complaining about your kids to her. Let her know you're thinking of her, but that you don't need a response if she's not up for it.

Like any loss, there's no fixing it and no perfect way to help her through it. Be kind, don't give her advice she didn't ask for, don't minimize the loss or play pain Olympics.

Most of all don't say any sentence that begins with "at least...". Just don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be sensitive to her. If she needs to stay home, don't guilt her into coming. Refrain from complaining about your kids to her. Let her know you're thinking of her, but that you don't need a response if she's not up for it.

Like any loss, there's no fixing it and no perfect way to help her through it. Be kind, don't give her advice she didn't ask for, don't minimize the loss or play pain Olympics.

Most of all don't say any sentence that begins with "at least...". Just don't.

+1000

[Anonymous]

send flowers or a donation to march of dimes in the babies name.

Don't bring it up at Christmas unless she does first. Give her a hug when she comes through the door.

[Anonymous]

Look at the website: glow in the woods

There are a lot of helpful resources there. Also the Miss Foundation.

Read up on loss before you approach them.

We just had a loss (stillbirth) and some of our family were super awkward about it. We sent them resources on how to approach us but I don't think they every looked at the information, I wish they had. One piece of advice, I wouldn't make it about you. Understand that its about them right now.

[Anonymous]

This seems stupid, but educate yourself. Did she know the baby's gender yet? If so, use pronouns and not "it" o "your baby." Was it her first miscarriage? How far into the pregnancy was she? I'm assuming someone besides her knows these things so you can find out. I had a stillbirth many years ago and the sheer ignorance was astonishing. Several relatives told me by sick child would get better, one referred to her as "the baby who is dead," and I got a letter of congratulations on "Baby #1!" from a second cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just found out she had a miscarriage and I feel awful for them. I called and left a message that I was so sorry and thinking about them. I totally get they don't want to talk now. Sister and I have always had a little wedge between us because she always felt I got whatever I wanted and it was harder for her (getting into college etc). I want to be supportive without throwing my large family in their face. Of course it couldn't be worse timing with the holidays now because we have so many family get togethers and of course my kids will be there. I would totally understand if they don't want to come but I suspect they will come anyway. Anything I can do not to make it easier for them?

Maybe you should mind your own business and wait until she brings it up if she brings it up at all. You sound a lot like my bubble headed sister.

[Anonymous]

Look at Still Standing magazine.