Do you tell a friend that they are making a mistake in who they are marrying?

[Anonymous]

Would you tell a man not to marry a woman after they are engaged. No one ever thought a proposal would happen. Now everyone is too scared to say what we all are thinking.

[Anonymous]

No. Your time to speak up has passed...

[Anonymous]

They won't listen but they will get mad.

[Anonymous]

They won't listen. I am watching a friend live through a shitty ass marriage to a man-child after everyone including her parents told her not to marry him. Oh well. Grab some popcorn.

[Anonymous]

We tried, with dh's best friend. His mom tried, his sister tried, we tried...and this was all pre-engagement. He was love struck, thought we were crazy, and proposed/married her anyway. 6 months later she cheated on him and they divorced. It was sad.

[Anonymous]

It depends on why you don't think it's a good idea for them to marry. If it's just because you don't like the woman, that's one thing. If it's because she is dangerous, that's something else.

[Anonymous]

I'd be more likely to say something to a man than to a woman, but as others have said, you better be ready that the friendship may end. But it probably will if she is that awful anyway, once they're married.

That said, if it comes up on conversation, you can drop hints about pre-marital counseling, etc. That's a good thing to do whether the relationship is good or bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Your time to speak up has passed...

So why is there a place in the traditional wedding service for people to stop the wedding? But seriously, I think it depends on how specific your worries are. My friend became engaged to a very nice guy but they didn't seem to have any chemistry. How in the world do you talk about that? Sure enough, down the line they divorced, but I don't think there was anything I could have done to intervene.

That said, I would definitely want to say something if they are bigger warning signs. At the very least, if he's a good friend, you can ask him questions. "So, you're getting married to Larla? Tell me more about her." Or, raise specific concerns. "You seem kind of stressed out about Larla's family/ex/lack of job/mean jokes. Is everything OK?"

As the others have said, prepare for him to ignore you and possibly get angry. But I think if you ignore your own concerns you're not that good of a friend in the end.

[Anonymous]

DH here. I had a female friend (totally platonic) who absolutely hated my wife when we were dating. We were literally best buds and had been friends for like 10 years before the fallout. She tried to convince me to cancel my engagement (despite being over the moon). It was nuts but really killed the friendship.

My marriage is fine, however, 17 years later.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your worries. Remember, when people are in love, they think they know that person in a way no one else does, so maybe they won't listen. But I wish people told me they didn't like my ex before I married him. I wouldn't have. Oh, well.

[Anonymous]

If the person seems unhappy in the relationship, I think you can say something along the lines of, "you don't seem happy, do you want to talk about it?"

I did this with my sister and it did not work. She married the guy and she still seems really unhappy. But, at least I didn't attack my BIL's personality, which is why I think my relationship with my sister is still ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Would you tell a man not to marry a woman after they are engaged. No one ever thought a proposal would happen. Now everyone is too scared to say what we all are thinking.

look for a recent thread about someone whose brother is marrying a narcissist. lots of good advice there on what to say if you do decide to speak up. basically, talk in terms of the person you love having changed/not being happy, not in terms of the person they love being crazy.

[Anonymous]

Nope. By the time they're engaged, it's pretty much too late... UNLESS they ask you for advice or say/do things that make it very obvious they are unhappy. And even then, tread lightly.

You've got to let this one play out. And hopefully they'll be smart enough to do a pre-nup if they have a lot of assets and the person they're marrying is a gold-digger. (or marry in a non-community property state.)

[Anonymous]

You have more license to say bad things about the potential spouse if you say good things about them as well. Then you aren't seen as someone who just hates them and your opinion and advice may be taken a little more seriously.

[Anonymous]

I did this once. I told a woman that she didn't have to marry her girlfriend (the GF was cheating on her). The wedding was a few weeks away, and she went through with it anyway. I wasn't invited to the wedding, and we haven't been very close since. They did divorce because the GF continued to cheat. I don't take any joy in the "I told you so." It's just sort of a bummer all around.