Anyone else's father scream at them?

[Anonymous]

I'm a 33/F. My father is a recovering alcoholic who quit drinking when I was 1.
He screamed, yelled and threatened me from the time I was 13 until now.
It has had such a negative impact on who I am. I am highly anxious, have self-esteem problems and serious depression.
In the last year I have really been working on myself. I started taking anti-depressants and seeing a counselor. I finally feel strong and happy.
When I think about my father's treatment towards me, I regress big time.
It's really, really been bothering me lately.
When he's nice, he's the nicest guy in the world! When he's pissed, he's a loud tyrant.
It doesn't take much to set him off.
Everything he does annoys me.
We had a huge blowout fight at Thanksgiving because I refused to back down from him
He's going to see my therapist with me in January, so I can work through some of this shit.
We will both be staying at my sister's home for a few days at Christmas. How do I do this? I can't stand the sight of him. Anyone else dealt with an asshole father?

[Anonymous]

Can you stay at a hotel instead?

[Anonymous]

You need an exit plan. It is important for your relationship with yourself that you can trust yourself to act to keep yourself safe from being exposed to his abusive behavior. It makes a difference with anxiety too.

Holidays and visits are tough that way, which is why you need a plan. Also this plan has to be independent and not conditioned on bargaining with your dad.

One year I left 2 days early, no notice, no issues dragged out. He tore into me in the evening and I politely excused myself in the morning.

Your dad sounds somewhat reasonable, if he has agreed to work on it, but still do what you need to do. Maybe find nearby hotels beforehand in case you need to remove yourself for a night, or stay elsewhere so the visit has natural limits.

All the best to you. You can do this and come out stronger and with dignity.

[Anonymous]

Just skip it and do not see him. It's just a date on the calendar.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar relationship with my dad. He can be so mean but then so nice. He called me names my whole life. Really messed up my self esteem. It's a good sign that he is willing to go to counseling with you. Mine has too much pride to do anything like that. I have no advice, just wanted you to know you are not alone. Ps - my biggest "a-ha" moment was when I realized that all dads did not treat their children the is way. It really really helped me understand why I am who I am and act the way I do at times. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my whole life has been one revelation after another that some mothers treat their children with respect instead of as a joke.

[Anonymous]

Good for you for standing up to him, OP!

Never back down from people like this.
It's draining to be forced to rebuff them regularly when they start being aggressive, and sometimes it's so much easier to let it go. But that's why they continue!

So limit contact, and when you choose to see him in person, prepare yourself psychologically. I suppose you've already distanced yourself emotionally? It's very important, so as not to get hurt. You can have a loving image of your father in your head when you don't see him, but armor yourself with iceplates when you meet.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. Unfortunately a hotel is not possible.
The only reason I am even going is because I have two young nephews who adore me. I want to be with them on Christmas. My mother had a problem with drugs when I was a child and was very physically abusive. Paired with the screaming...lets just say I don't have the best parents.
He doesn't call or initiate contact with me when he's in a relationship. We live in the same town. The only time we see each other is at my sister's home in another state. She will be moving across the country soon and that will limit our contact even more. I'm just over it all.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Except mine isn't an alcoholic just a mean sh!t with a bad temper. I rarely see him as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Your sister would stand by and allow you and her children to be exposed to one of his rages? It seems to me that she should be the biggest ally to you right now - especially since she has 2 more people to consider. I would explain your fears to her and have her help back you up. You don't mention if she has also been his target, but if so, use your strength in numbers. If he acts up, HE leaves!

[Anonymous]

Sorry op. I am in the same situation and it is always very hard for me, sends me into a panic. I know you say it's unavoidable but if I were you I would do everything you can to avoid it. If you cannot, just stay strong and repeatedly remind yourself that you don't value his opinion hence there's no reason to pay attention to anything he says or allow it to hurt you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 33/F. My father is a recovering alcoholic who quit drinking when I was 1.
He screamed, yelled and threatened me from the time I was 13 until now.
It has had such a negative impact on who I am. I am highly anxious, have self-esteem problems and serious depression.
In the last year I have really been working on myself. I started taking anti-depressants and seeing a counselor. I finally feel strong and happy.
When I think about my father's treatment towards me, I regress big time.
It's really, really been bothering me lately.
When he's nice, he's the nicest guy in the world! When he's pissed, he's a loud tyrant.
It doesn't take much to set him off.
Everything he does annoys me.
We had a huge blowout fight at Thanksgiving because I refused to back down from him
He's going to see my therapist with me in January, so I can work through some of this shit.
We will both be staying at my sister's home for a few days at Christmas. How do I do this? I can't stand the sight of him. Anyone else dealt with an asshole father?

My father, while not a drunk, is an emotionally abusive bully. He loves to fight. He loves to yell at people and threaten them.

Therapy is a good choice - if it were me, no way in hell I'd involve him in it, but your mileage may vary.

Good for you for not backing down from him.

Limit contact. Change the bad tapes he planted in your head.

If you don't want to help him when he's old and frail, that's your right and it's perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister would stand by and allow you and her children to be exposed to one of his rages? It seems to me that she should be the biggest ally to you right now - especially since she has 2 more people to consider. I would explain your fears to her and have her help back you up. You don't mention if she has also been his target, but if so, use your strength in numbers. If he acts up, HE leaves!

That's the way it should be, exactly!

And children should not be exposed to the behaviour this man pulls.

[Anonymous]

I'm older than OP (52) and have almost the same situation, but without the alcohol. As another pp said, just a mean bully of a father. Has been my whole life, with intermittent nice-guy moments, but it's caused a great deal of self-esteem and anxiety issues for me. OP, by all means, continue with your therapy. I did when I was about your age and it was the best thing I ever did. I did not include my father in it, and I suggest you don't either. It won't change him. Just do it for yourself and then move on and be happy with your life.

As for my father now - he is the same a**hole he has always been. To this day he continues with the same behavior. The only only only way to handle someone like this is to keep away from them. They will never change.

[Anonymous]

Jesus OP. you are 33, why are you even engaging him at all. Trust me, you aren't going to feel better after one therapy session with him. Manage him don't try to change him. Set firm boundaries or just cut him out of your life.