Is my brother gay? Does it matter? What should I do? I want him to know he can talk to me.

[Anonymous]

Talking about my much younger brother (he's eighteen and just started university).

I think he's gay (I'm bi and have a heightened gaydar). He seemed to have a crush on a high school English teacher; he talked about him long after ninth grade, when the guy had been his teacher. One day, we were talking about an ex of mine and he said "Yeah, your guy is subtle-ly muscular, just like Mr. Teacher." He went on to say that he was surprised by his teacher's muscles that Halloween, when I guess the guy wore a sports jersey. This was an indication to me.

He's dated a couple of girls very casually but remains tight-lipped about his personal life (I'm not nosy, but even when I ask in passing he has nothing to say). When I asked him over Thanksgiving if he was interested in dating, he basically said "it's not really something I think about." I was his age once and, granted, I was always boy-crazy, but it seems unusual to me for an eighteen year old to be so uninterested in dating.

Please note that my mother and his father, while high-profile Washington liberals, would be heartbroken/aghast to learn that their son is gay. I suspect this would keep him from coming out of the closet. What are your thoughts? Am I reading too much into this or am I on to something? If he is, how can I convey my unconditional love and acceptance to him without saying "Brother, if you're gay, you can tell me"?

I'm at a loss.

[Anonymous]

You know, my older brother gave me a talk when I started college, about how now that we were both out of the house it was up to us to have whatever type of sibling relationship we wanted, and we didn't have to maintain the same value system our parents had.

It really created a shift in my life. It gave me space to go in the direction I wanted, and break free of my parents' controlling ways.

Maybe try saying something to him like that - and add that you don't hold the same values as your parents. If he wants to, he'll walk through the door you opened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, my older brother gave me a talk when I started college, about how now that we were both out of the house it was up to us to have whatever type of sibling relationship we wanted, and we didn't have to maintain the same value system our parents had.

It really created a shift in my life. It gave me space to go in the direction I wanted, and break free of my parents' controlling ways.

Maybe try saying something to him like that - and add that you don't hold the same values as your parents. If he wants to, he'll walk through the door you opened.

Inspiring. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

My little brother came out at Christmas dinner during his freshman year of college. We all knew, or at least suspected, but gave him leeway to come out on his own terms. He was obviously very nervous and drank a lot of wine to work up the nerve, but in the end we toasted him for coming out and were really supportive. And I think that's all you can do, really, just be as supportive as possible and make sure he knows you love and accept him no matter what.

[Anonymous]

My brother is gay, and my parents are like yours. I always suspected it. He hid it for years...reaching early 20s one day I just told him straight up -- "It wouldn't matter to me if you were gay, straight, blue or green. You're my brother and I will love you regardless. Just know that you can always come to me and nothing changes that. Promise me you will. " He acted weird, then promised, I hugged and kissed him. He outed himself a year later by friending me on FB and I saw all the pictures with him and his boyfriend. I just liked the photos.

He is completely out now and everyone accepts it. It took some time.

[Anonymous]

PP again. I had not read the other comments. Wanted to come back and co-sign with the PP who mentioned letting your brother know you hold a different value system from your parents. Before that conversation with my brother, I had told him that on many occasions too.

Also, we had our own level of trust with each other. I shared with him some dirty secrets about myself that know one else knew. In that regard, our relationship was bi-lateral in transparency/vulnerability.

[Anonymous]

If you sense that your brother may be gay, then he probably is.

Your gut instinct is rarely ever wrong about things.

The sad thing here is that he feels he cannot truly be "himself" even around his own family due to how he feels your parents may react.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship w/him, but if you two are close you can always tell him in confidence that if he does like guys, he can always talk to you about it w/out worrying that you will go + relay that information to Mom and Dad.

I am just curious....Do your parents know that you are bi? If so, how did they react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, my older brother gave me a talk when I started college, about how now that we were both out of the house it was up to us to have whatever type of sibling relationship we wanted, and we didn't have to maintain the same value system our parents had.

It really created a shift in my life. It gave me space to go in the direction I wanted, and break free of my parents' controlling ways.

Maybe try saying something to him like that - and add that you don't hold the same values as your parents. If he wants to, he'll walk through the door you opened.

Inspiring. Thank you.

Yes, impressive advice.