Whoops- FIL comment

[Anonymous]

My husband is having a work-related social event at our home tonight. His work has hired caterers, cleaners, etc. I bought flowers for the event but really don't see it as my job to arrange a party for my husband's work (because it's not) and neither does my husband.

My FIL is visiting and asked me what he could do to help me clean for the event (DH was standing right there). I said, I don't know, ask DH. He said, no I'm asking what I can do to help YOU clean for his event. Then we had another couple of exchanges and finally I said, I don't know it's DH's event, and I don't work for him (and, not sure if this is relevant, but there is a whole staff of people that DO work for him on this). I didn't say it huffily or anything but FIL's response was, "I see."

Anyway, obviously in retrospect there are a whole bunch of nicer and more productive responses to this question. Now I just feel crappy. No question, just feeling crappy.

[Anonymous]

Tell FIL what you meant. No need to feel bad. You both can apologize and make up.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it was crappy and you should feel really bad. Please apologize to him.

You could have said, "Thanks, Dad! That is very sweet and I will ask if I need help, but it is all covered. You should relax and enjoy as there are staff hired to do just that. I don't think I will be needed for anything except give them instructions in the end."

And if he would have persisted, " No, I meant how could I help YOU?"

I would have said, "If you get up earlier than me tomorrow, how about making me a nice cup of tea when I come down for breakfast? It is usually the next day that I am tired."

[Anonymous]

You have to look inward and try to understand why this bothers you.

You FIL asks in front of you H what their is to do and you say " ask DH"?

You could have easily turned tomDH and said, "honey, is there is anything we need to do to get ready?"

There are cleaning people cleaning and caterers doing the food and bar. Can anybody think of anything else?

People like to feel helpful... Water the tree, fix the lights, anything.

I don't really understand the attitude that this is your H event end you have washed your hands to the event.

Your H does not have a list of to do's, there is no schedule, who is coordinating the caterers, the tables, etc?

[Anonymous]

Is it really bad that OP feels that it's not her job to organized her husband's work event and gets annoyed when her father in law insists that it is?

[Anonymous]

Is it really bad that OP gets a little annoyed that FIL assumes she will doing the cleaning?

[Anonymous]

Oh, whatever. OP, look, just apologize to your FIL.

From your story, maybe you were irritated that your FIL was expecting you to prep for DH's event, like you are the maid or something.

But the important part about the story is really that DH doesn't think you are the maid. Everything else--peanuts, OP.

Just apologize. I wouldn't even get into it with your FIL about why you reacted that way--because it will not help matters. Just say you were anxious and be done with it and get on with being on generally good terms with your FIL, (which is a blessing and should not be taken for granted, as it can be horrible the other way).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it really bad that OP feels that it's not her job to organized her husband's work event and gets annoyed when her father in law insists that it is?

+1. It would annoy me if FIL insisted that the responsibility for cleaning etc for this party was my responsibility. DH was there and could have spoken up. I don't think you you said anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it really bad that OP feels that it's not her job to organized her husband's work event and gets annoyed when her father in law insists that it is?

+1. It would annoy me if FIL insisted that the responsibility for cleaning etc for this party was my responsibility. DH was there and could have spoken up. I don't think you you said anything wrong.

OP here. I'm between this- I wish I had responded in a different manner, and man did it bug me that even when I tried to point out differently the responsibility of cleaning still fell to me.

[Anonymous]

Why in the world should OP apologize when FIL persisted in his sexist line of questioning?

OP, you have FIL an answer, he refused to accept it, you got a little huffy. Frankly, FIL deserved it. No need to apologize.

[Anonymous]

^^Oops, I see you said you weren't huffy. In that case, you doubly don't need to apologize. FIL got a lesson in modern household management. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Next time when you're over at his house keep asking him what DH can do to help FIL prepare for a party.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why this bugged you so much. You know it is not your job to clean for the party. DH knows it is not your job to clean for the party. Why get so worked up about something silly your FIL thinks?

[Anonymous]

He was trying to be nice, but it sometimes annoying to see the old way of thinking is still around.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I fail to see how your words were rude. FIL took it badly, but then he'll just have to lump it, right?

I say this because this December, more than any previous December, I have been overwhelmed with work, children's rehearsals, house stuff - somehow it all falls on me, and DH somehow finds excuses never to engage in the extra stuff surrounding the Holidays.

So I would be SO NOT RECEPTIVE to that kind of remark, however well meant.