please help me understand my boss
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Anonymous
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I was a project lead for the past 2 years and have been getting good feedback until now. My performance review which was a 360 review stated my positives but under the development opportunities section in the review it was noted that I need to be more patient when in discussion with others and that I am so determined to get my opinion across that I do not take the time to listen to my peers and to think about what they are trying to tell me. I took this to be constructive criticism and have been actively making an effort to be a better communicator. Fast forward months later my manager demotes me to be a contributor citing that others feel uncomfortable asking me for help. He told me he was thinking about this for a while and did not make this decision in haste yet he never had any meetings with me to discuss his concerns. I then asked for specifics about others being uncomfortable around me so I can get a chance to explain my side of the story and was told that he did not want to name names and get into specifics.
I was very disappointed at this news and after some reflection I decided to seek out other programs within my large company. There is another program that could use my skills and they are interested in bringing me on board. When my manager found out about this he took me out to lunch and told me that I am making a big mistake by leaving the program and that my contributions are vital in order for the program to succeed. He then rehashed everything I have done wrong in the past 5 years without letting me get a word in and told me that I would make the same mistakes again at any other program so I am better off not leaving so that I can work on my issues. I feel like he just does not like me as a person but values my skills that I bring to the program. I am considering looking for a new job but I do have a flexible schedule and a very short commute. If anyone has ever been in a similar situation please let me know if it is worth staying to try to win my managers heart and mind over or if he is just a poor manager. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry. It sounds like a combination of two things - actual communication skills you should work on, and a horrible boss. If your boss is not willing to help you work constructively on your weak spots, then I think it's time to move on, either to another project or another company. I can't see any downside to you looking for another project within the company, as long as you honestly continue to work on what might be some communication challenges you have. |
Anonymous
| Go, you will never be able to please him. |
Anonymous
Agree. Don't stay a moment with this manipulative ... |
Anonymous
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Your boss has terrible supervisory skills. No, it is not worth "winning his heart." What will that accomplish? Once you please him on this issue, he will only move the bar higher.
Were you abused as a child? Because it sounds like you desperately want to please an abusive figure in your life. |
Anonymous
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I don't think you need help understanding your boss. He doesn't like you personally and has trouble communicating with you because of it.
Move on while he'll still give you a good reference. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like he needs to undergo a 360 review.
And it is terrible of him to demote you (just using you for contributions), and citing vague reasons why, and not backing it up with evidence. I guess this happens in the workplace, but it seems very underhanded to me to hide behind 'not wanting to name names'. |
Anonymous
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So he demoted you, you decided to leave, and now is begging for you to stay at the current demoted level
No thank you |
Anonymous
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I would move.
However, when someone tells you that people are not comfortable asking for your help and your first impulse to to find out who complained so that you can give your side of the story, that gives me the impression that you are defensive and don't take constructive criticism. I think your response should have been to ask for general example of things that you have done that have made people uncomfortable to approach you. You don't need to know who specifically said what or information on specific incidents. Once you heard what he had to say, you could decide whether the points were valid or not, but your approach shut down the conversation. When I was younger, my response to this situation would have been exactly as you have described your response. Over time, however, I have learned to be less defensive. Sometimes the people providing criticism were right and sometimes they were wrong, but my career benefited from being perceived as someone who was willing to accept criticism. |
Anonymous
| You don't need to "understand" him. We are appreciated, we click, with some people, and not by others. Most people spend their entire careers in-and-out of favor with various people/bosses without being about to change it. |
Anonymous
I think the boss was told to hire someone else, but recognizes but recognizes OP as being an asset. Not sure if the references will be good if he does not want to let go of you. |
Anonymous
| I don't think it would hurt to work on the other project as it will give you more experience with the company. If he wants you to stay that badly, he can always try to offer you more money |
Anonymous
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I've gotten feedback like this and it stinks. How am I supposed to change if you tell me I managed a situation badly six months ago but don't tell me why or give me any details about the incidents? I would love constructive feedback but general "you're a bad manager" or "people are scared to ask for help" without context is just demoralizing. Criticism should be specific and immediate!
Sorry op, had to vent. |
Anonymous
This. We have someone in our office that the boss and right hand made miserable for months. Granted, the employee didn't click, but they admitted her work product was good. Then, she gave notice and the boss begged her to stay. She stayed to get the project to the deadline, adding in an extra two weeks. I, on the other hand, would have given notice and not stayed a minute extra, if I had been treated that way. OP, quite simply, don't let him bully you into staying. Accept you may have some skills to work on, but get the heck out of there. |
Anonymous
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Doesn't sound like a good manager, but also may have valuable comments. I would listen to the criticism / take what you can from it, but also consider movng to the new program if you think it will be a better management fit.
Also - just finished this book 'Thanks for the Feeback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well' and highly recommend it. Think it could help you process how to move forward with the feedback you have received, and provides some understanding of why managers often have such a difficult time providing good feedback: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0670014664/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1418398316&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40 |