Mom is Getting Married AGAIN. How To Handle Rotating Grandpas?

[Anonymous]

My mother is classic co-dependent, and jumps passionately from one relationship to the next, often without ending the previous and creating messy situations for everyone else. I'm amazed that with this many marriages under her belt that these husbands don't worry they're going to be chucked out within a few years, but they don't seem to care.

It's always makes my siblings uncomfortable (and took years of therapy to counteract), but we're adults and it's not our life.

But now with a little one on the way, I'd like to insulate my children from the confusing environment, but also foster a relationship with Grandma. Any insight on how to do that? (Or is this a non-issue that I shouldn't worry about?)

[Anonymous]

I'm no expert, but for one, these aren't grandpas unless you choose to call them that. Even if your mom were stably married you don't need to call them grandpas.

I'd go with "This is Grandpa and this is Mr. James" Your kids can interact with Mr James as a family friend, and if he disappears, it isn't a death -- we all change friends.

I'm not trying to be dismissive -- I agree that having a mom with a personality issue like this can make it hard for young kids. But I think trying to keep a lighter frame on the situation might ease some of your stress. And if your mom protests, just point out that the real grandpa is their biological one and that while you love Mr James -- he is sooo great -- he should have a different name than grandpa for the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd go with "This is Grandpa and this is Mr. James" Your kids can interact with Mr James as a family friend, and if he disappears, it isn't a death -- we all change friends....I think trying to keep a lighter frame on the situation might ease some of your stress. And if your mom protests, just point out that the real grandpa is their biological one and that while you love Mr James -- he is sooo great -- he should have a different name than grandpa for the grandkids.

Ohhhh, this would be an IDEAL solution! I know my mom is already referring to her husband as Grandpa, because she's delusional and really, really, really thinks this is the one.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, they are grandpas, not dads. I'd just say the more the merrier, and call them all grandpa. I don't think its worth stressing over, and if you don't project any issues over it, I don't see that there would be any.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your child isn't even born yet? YOu don't have to worry about him/her recognizing anyone as grandpa for at least two years, and you have no idea what his/her personality is going to be like. When and if it becomes an issue, you can address it armed with the specific facts and your understanding of your child's temperament. At this point, it's too speculative to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Just curious: How many marriages has your mom had?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm no expert, but for one, these aren't grandpas unless you choose to call them that. Even if your mom were stably married you don't need to call them grandpas.

I'd go with "This is Grandpa and this is Mr. James" Your kids can interact with Mr James as a family friend, and if he disappears, it isn't a death -- we all change friends.

I'm not trying to be dismissive -- I agree that having a mom with a personality issue like this can make it hard for young kids. But I think trying to keep a lighter frame on the situation might ease some of your stress. And if your mom protests, just point out that the real grandpa is their biological one and that while you love Mr James -- he is sooo great -- he should have a different name than grandpa for the grandkids.

+ 1. Your kids can call Mr James "Bobo".

[Anonymous]

By the time I was born, my grandmother was on her third marriage. Since I was so young, that man was always known as Grandpa. My own kids called him Grandpa. He was Grandpa. If your kids are older it's different but little kids don't need to know the dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious: How many marriages has your mom had?

OP here. Let's just say Elizabeth Taylor has stiff competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious: How many marriages has your mom had?

OP here. Let's just say Elizabeth Taylor has stiff competition.

Come on, I'm dying for a count! My sister (age 46) is about to marry husband #3.

[Anonymous]

Also, side question: Does she have pre-numps with each of these guys? Divorcing so many times can be expensive (unless she happens to keep marrying rich!).

[Anonymous]

I don't think they have earned the title grandpa till they stick around for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Well, Liz had 7 husbands (8 marriages).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the time I was born, my grandmother was on her third marriage. Since I was so young, that man was always known as Grandpa. My own kids called him Grandpa. He was Grandpa. If your kids are older it's different but little kids don't need to know the dynamics.

This only really works if "grandpa" is going to stick around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm no expert, but for one, these aren't grandpas unless you choose to call them that. Even if your mom were stably married you don't need to call them grandpas.

I'd go with "This is Grandpa and this is Mr. James" Your kids can interact with Mr James as a family friend, and if he disappears, it isn't a death -- we all change friends.

I'm not trying to be dismissive -- I agree that having a mom with a personality issue like this can make it hard for young kids. But I think trying to keep a lighter frame on the situation might ease some of your stress. And if your mom protests, just point out that the real grandpa is their biological one and that while you love Mr James -- he is sooo great -- he should have a different name than grandpa for the grandkids.

I agree, but I was flamed in another thread for distinguishing between biological and non biological grandparents. Meanwhile I'm stuck having my kids call a non biological grandparent Grandma and my parents, their biological grandparents, had to come up with special nicknames without grandma or grandpa in them because it was going to be too confusing because of the extra ones. If the grandpas are going through a revolving door, just refer to them how you refer to them, by their first name or maybe nothing at all. Your kid is not going to even know who is who for several years.