Future Thanksgivings--who hosts?

[Anonymous]

Brother and SIL recently moved near me, and bought an enormous house. Enormous, as in, they don't even use a wing of it.

They promptly offered to host Thanksgiving which I had been planning, and I agreed.

I brought all my gear and cooked the turkey at their place because SIL insisted, and frankly, with the amount of time it takes turkey to cook, I didn't feel like cooking it all alone at home while people were hanging out and having fun at their place. It turned into a big PITA for me.

All the guests are our guests, so its not like brother and SIL knew them (my in-laws, our friends). No other joint family.

I really don't want them to host Thanksgiving again while foisting the turkey on me. I think, "host roasts turkey." Isn't that in a rulebook somewhere? I can host and cook turkey, or they can host and cook turkey, or someone can host and cater, I don't care.

How do I handle future Thanksgivings? Brother and SIL are already talking about next year. I also think the guests seemed mostly uncomfortable, due to the huge house, the fact that the location was changed somewhat last minute, and they didn't know the hosts at all. How can you couch "Uh, I don't want to do turkey" without hurting their feelings and also coming off as petty? I mean, they are doing sides, drinks, etc. and opening up their home, least I can do is the turkey, right? But I would much rather bring a nice side dish than load up my car with: roasting pan, defrosted, brined bird, butter, thermometer, etc. etc. you get the idea. Ugh. I think they are generous people, and I guess I understand wanting to put their huge house to some use. But I don't like this division of labor.

[Anonymous]

my take on it:

The host may do the majority of the cooking, as you did - even though you used their house. In this case, you were hosting and/or co-hosting.

If the person whose house it is is doing the cooking, i think it would be their choice who is on the guest list. I think you have to choose which is more important to you.

[Anonymous]

Host=Turkey preparer.

Yes, this is in the rulebook. When they offer to host, say great, and you'll bring the sprouts and pies.

[Anonymous]

In August casually mention how much you are looking forward to thanksgiving at your house. If they act shocked you note that of course they are invited. If they don't want to come that is of course their right. No one forced you to change your plans this year.

[Anonymous]

Talk to them now about how you'd like to host at your house this year.

And yes, the host deals with the turkey, although one year we hosted and were not planning on making turkey (DH and I don't like it) so we told our friends they if they really wanted turkey they were welcome to bring it. So they did!

[Anonymous]

Why are your friends coming to your brother's house?
Just roast the turkey there, tell SIL what to do or buy a prepared one from Balducci's.

[Anonymous]

Next year, as Thanksgiving approaches, just say, "Would you prefer I bring a corn casserole or a pumpkin pie?" (Or whatever you're willing to bring)

If they say, "Oh, we were hoping you'd make the turkey again," you just say, "I can't do the turkey this year, but I'd be happy to send you the link to the directions I followed/brine I used" or whatever.

Really not that complicated.

Now, in terms of if people don't LIKE having Thanksgiving at their house - that's a different issue. You can suggest trading off years if you want. But to me, it does make sense to have it at the biggest house assuming that it was tight at other houses. (If it wasn't tight, then just suggest trading off.)

Make it fun by bringing board games, suggesting playing cards, bringing a little iPod speaker if they didn't have music going and getting holiday music going, whatever. As hosts they should be aware of those kinds of things to make it fun for guests, but if they aren't, you don't have to suffer through when there are a few really simple things you can do.

Most likely you're overthinking it. In a year, they should have their crap together a little more and people will know more what to expect next year.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you for all the advice.

[Anonymous]

Why would you let them host Thanksgiving again when most of the guests except for them are your friends and in-laws and you already had a routine that worked? It was very generous of them to offer their place, but not at all necessary.

You can continue to host future Thanksgivings at your own home since that is what your friends and family look forward to. Let brother and SIL host other holidays or summer barbeques and showcase their home then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why would you let them host Thanksgiving again when most of the guests except for them are your friends and in-laws and you already had a routine that worked? It was very generous of them to offer their place, but not at all necessary.

You can continue to host future Thanksgivings at your own home since that is what your friends and family look forward to. Let brother and SIL host other holidays or summer barbeques and showcase their home then.

Hello, this is OP. I agreed because honestly, SIL made a very earnest request to do it. This sounds weird, but her offer to host felt like she was asking ME for a favor. DH speculated that they were eager to host because they were new homeowners and wanted to fill their new home with guests. I guess it felt a little rude to me, a little too directly saying that my house isn't good enough.

I don't think square footage makes for a happy gathering.

[Anonymous]

Why would they offer to host a huge traditional meal for practically complete strangers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Host=Turkey preparer.

Yes, this is in the rulebook. When they offer to host, say great, and you'll bring the sprouts and pies.

This has never been the case in my family. My grandma always made it at her house and then my dad would bring it to our house. It will be the same when we host at my house. My mom will cook it and they'll bring it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why would you let them host Thanksgiving again when most of the guests except for them are your friends and in-laws and you already had a routine that worked? It was very generous of them to offer their place, but not at all necessary.

You can continue to host future Thanksgivings at your own home since that is what your friends and family look forward to. Let brother and SIL host other holidays or summer barbeques and showcase their home then.

Hello, this is OP. I agreed because honestly, SIL made a very earnest request to do it. This sounds weird, but her offer to host felt like she was asking ME for a favor. DH speculated that they were eager to host because they were new homeowners and wanted to fill their new home with guests. I guess it felt a little rude to me, a little too directly saying that my house isn't good enough.

I don't think square footage makes for a happy gathering.

I posted the above. I don't think is sounds weird that you felt pressured to acquiesce to your SIL's request under the circumstances. However, it would be impolite of them to continue to expect to fill their home with your friends and in-laws.

Hopefully, they will get settled into their new neighborhood and make new friends and fill their new home with friends and in-laws just like you do. I know that a lot of people have bigger homes and offer to host out of generosity--but it can sometimes leave you feeling upstaged.