My elderly parents and their nutty ways

[Anonymous]

They live independently. I try to visit often with the grandchildren and make sure things are in order. We do quite a few holidays with them. They don't see my brother and sister and their families much because they live much farther away, but basically anything they do (even just visit) is brag-worthy. On the other hand, they like to tell extended family members DH and I barely do anything for them and they feel so alone. Not only do we see them often, they have plenty of friends. They do it for sympathy, more visitors and more invitations for things. Last Christmas,10 minutes before we arrived they told my aunt they were all alone and it was a depressing Christmas. When we got there they were happy, but nobody would believe we were there. Nobody would believe we see them sometimes every other week. I wouldn't care except my aunt, cousins, etc try to guilt trip me and I am already doing plenty. I've tried to prove they are bullshitting, but it's futile. They feel so sorry for my parents?! So, I just need to do less and keep my sanity. I also need to stop answering calls from relatives!

Can anyone relate to this? It's irritating! It's also in a way funny because my grandmother used to do the same thing and it pissed my parents off.

[Anonymous]

I'd do less and ignore the relatives' comments. Redirect the conversation to them by asking about their kids, job, etc.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, Dad, why are you complaining to the relatives about us? We do the best we can to see you often, and it hurts to get calls telling us all the bad things you say about us behind our backs."

"Aunt/cousin/uncle, oh for crying out loud! We're over there all the time. Why don't you go visit them instead of calling to guilt trip me? I'm not going to listen to you talk about this any more."

And any other time some relative tries to guilt trip you, shut it down.

[Anonymous]

People will gradually believe you if you don't get ruffled but state objectively what happens. My mother has a tendency to do the same thing, except that she's so crazy no one believes her anymore!

"We saw my parents 9 times over the past month. I call every other day to check on them. The kids raked their yard, DH repaired their heater and I drive them to their doctors' appointments."

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]"Mom, Dad, why are you complaining to the relatives about us? We do the best we can to see you often, and it hurts to get calls telling us all the bad things you say about us behind our backs."

"Aunt/cousin/uncle, oh for crying out loud! We're over there all the time. Why don't you go visit them instead of calling to guilt trip me? I'm not going to listen to you talk about this any more."

And any other time some relative tries to guilt trip you, shut it down.

OP here. I've tried this one. My mother gets hyper sensitive and will actually yell at me something like "Don't you dare try to tell me what I can and cannot say. I'm old and I will say whatever I want. Do you think it's easy keeping your dad happy? You know he's going senile right?"

My dad is definitely showing signs of fading and my mother feels like she has to do certain things for him in case this will be his last year, but it fills her with resentment. She complains constantly. We offer to give her a break and that offends her. Don't even dare mention a support group unless you want her to rip you a new one.

I think she has always been difficult, but not at this level. She could contain it more and she didn't take out her frustrations on me as often. My dad used to be difficult, but has probably gotten more pleasant with age.

[Anonymous]

You have my sympathy, OP. My FIL told a relative to wish us a Happy New Year for him. We just saw them last week and will see them next weekend! It makes you want to pull your hair out. DH just laughs.

[Anonymous]

Keep a visitors journal or calendar their house

Make it a Christmas gift and display prominently . Mark it , or have the kids mark it like its their idea , every time you visit

[Anonymous]

Ignore it all. You can't do anything to change them. In a few years they will be gone.

[Anonymous]

Take family photos of the grandkids with G-ma and G-pa every time you go, one kid holding a newspaper with the day's date clearly displayed, and post them on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take family photos of the grandkids with G-ma and G-pa every time you go, one kid holding a newspaper with the day's date clearly displayed, and post them on Facebook.

Haha! Proof of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it all. You can't do anything to change them. In a few years they will be gone.

Ditto. They will be gone. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take family photos of the grandkids with G-ma and G-pa every time you go, one kid holding a newspaper with the day's date clearly displayed, and post them on Facebook.

OP here. That is hilarious and brilliant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have my sympathy, OP. My FIL told a relative to wish us a Happy New Year for him. We just saw them last week and will see them next weekend! It makes you want to pull your hair out. DH just laughs.

OP here. That made me laugh. You get it!

Thanks to everyone who has responded. It helps to read these responses. I can laugh a little more and also see that I'm not the only one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it all. You can't do anything to change them. In a few years they will be gone.

Pretty much.

My mother complains to me about my sister not doing enough X, Y, Z. She turns around to my sister and complains about me. You can't win.

[Anonymous]

Mine are like that too. The older and crazier they get, the more indirectly they communicate. My therapist says to listen for the feelings underneath the untrue statements: I miss you, I'm lonely, I'm feel that I'm not getting enough attention, I feel vulnerable.