to call sister or not?

[Anonymous]

My sister and I were once very close, but she has a way of driving people away from her. She likes to be the center of attention and if you don't give that to her (or can't indulge her desire to be the "savior") she doesn't have much time for you. In some ways, her personality fits the traits of a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder.

This summer, we had a slow falling out, and we just stopped calling each other. I'm not sure why she stopped calling me, but I decided that I didn't want to continue relating to her in the same old way. I feel really torn up about this and I miss her. And yet, I feel like if I call her we will go back to our same old pattern of her being the center of the universe and me being a person she constantly blows off. Any advice? How do you "get over" this kind of relationship?

[Anonymous]

My mom is BPD and she and my aunt have not spoken in over two years.

It is hard.

Your sister will always be this way.

[Anonymous]

How does she blow you off? If she cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons, don't make dates to see her. I have a sister like this and I don't go out of my way to talk to her or see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does she blow you off? If she cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons, don't make dates to see her. I have a sister like this and I don't go out of my way to talk to her or see her.

OP here. She constantly cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons. She also only calls me when she needs something (usually childcare) or when she is driving a long distance and needs to pass the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does she blow you off? If she cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons, don't make dates to see her. I have a sister like this and I don't go out of my way to talk to her or see her.

OP here. She constantly cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons. She also only calls me when she needs something (usually childcare) or when she is driving a long distance and needs to pass the time.

What does she offer you? How do you benefit from contact with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does she blow you off? If she cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons, don't make dates to see her. I have a sister like this and I don't go out of my way to talk to her or see her.

OP here. She constantly cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons. She also only calls me when she needs something (usually childcare) or when she is driving a long distance and needs to pass the time.

What does she offer you? How do you benefit from contact with her?

I don't know. I just miss the relationship we used to have. (Though I recognize that it's always been flawed ... it took me 40 years to realize how flawed it is/was.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does she blow you off? If she cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons, don't make dates to see her. I have a sister like this and I don't go out of my way to talk to her or see her.

OP here. She constantly cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons. She also only calls me when she needs something (usually childcare) or when she is driving a long distance and needs to pass the time.

Infuriating, isn't it? The only way to get over it is to not go out of your way. I used to drive two miles to see my sister when she and BIL flew in to see his family and just have her blow me off in favor of whatever came up with BIL's family. If she is in my area and wants to get together for lunch, I check my schedule and only do it if I am free. I never ask her for favors. I do send her a card or call on her birthday. I do that for any one I care about. No special treatment. That's the key to letting go of your resentment. She'll respect you more for it and perhaps it will lay a new foundation for a more equal peer relationship someday.

[Anonymous]

^^2 hours, not two miles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does she blow you off? If she cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons, don't make dates to see her. I have a sister like this and I don't go out of my way to talk to her or see her.

OP here. She constantly cancels at the last minute for flaky reasons. She also only calls me when she needs something (usually childcare) or when she is driving a long distance and needs to pass the time.

Sounds like my sibling. Also probably with some form of some personality disorder. After a while I cut them off (a few years ago). They continue to try and contact me (because they want something, even if it's just for the attention of it), even though I made it explicitly clear that I have no interest in pursuing some semblance of a relationship with them. It will always be dysfunctional and draining (I have a very normal, healthy, and easy relationship with our other siblings).

It sucks. It can be sad. But sometimes you just have to focus on moving forward with your life, even if it's without your family member. You have to surrender the fallacy that the sibling you want/need will never, ever exist.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to take control and then you won't feel resentment - like 15:12 said.

Have a game plan. Your game plan. Call her once a month? Three times a year? Whatever. Choose a date and write it on the calendar like an appointment. Then, forget about it.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my mom and my aunt. One is warmer, one is colder. One is a victim, one is inherently stronger. Both have reasons to envy each other. Both are nice, ultimately good people with a mostly pleasant shared history. Yet their relationship is high school bitch-ville (seemingly more one side of it than the other). It's tough. I don't know how to advise. And I don't know how to let my negative judgement not affect my feelings toward them.

[Anonymous]

You need to disengage emotionally while still leaving the door cracked open, and still feel like you are a decent sister (the latter you are doing for your emotional health)

To see her do this ~ only arrange to see her if there is something else nearby you'd like to do as an alternative (for when she doesn't show). Take charge of the plans - you'll meet her at xx time, at xx place. Know ahead of time what you think is a reasonable time to wait.

How often would you normally TRY to see each other?
For every disappointment, add in lots of extra time before being available again. Do only what you can do without being resentful and torn-up inside.

[Anonymous]

You've got some good advice. There's "cut her off," but you also shouldn't be a doormat. Call her when you want to call her. Don't call her if it feels like too much or if you don't really want to. Always have a backup plan when you make plans with her. Keep your expectations realistic. It's sad, but it's also better than beating your head against a wall, or expecting someone else to change.