Being with BIL & SIL who dislike children
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Anonymous
| It is getting to be such a strain spending holidays with my husband's family. My husband has one brother and he and his wife have chosen (no infertility issues) to not have children. They prefer animals and really dislike children despite SIL being a teacher. I have 2 children under the age of 5 and BIL & SIL show no interest in them at all. When we get together they always chose to sit at the other end of the table away from us. When my children try to engage them they answer and turn their heads to talk to each other or DH's parents. SIL is not a friendly or warm person and does not even speak to me ( doesn't speak to me to even say hi, unless I initiate a greeting). It has always been this way, even pre-kids, she makes 0 effort. It is such a drain to be around people who act as though they are tolerating us, and for DH and I feeling that we have to make our children be perfect angels when with them since they dislike children. My BIL used to be better before SIL came into picture, but now he makes no effort. It is just so depressing when seeing other people talk about their family's. |
Anonymous
| Why are you spending time with them? Holidays are a time to spend with loved ones. |
Anonymous
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How long do you spend at your ILs'? Are your BIL and SIL there the whole time?
I'd try to minimize contact, because I don't think you're going to change their behavior. And while I don't think everyone needs to like kids, even my kids, I do think you need to show kids how to be polite, which means answering when they talk to you. |
Anonymous
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Why is a "such a drain to be" around them? I'd love to have a reason to not worry about making small talk.
Besides your kids will learn not everyone is as interested in them as their parents and will hopefully learn to leave the aunts & uncles alone. |
Anonymous
| Why do you bother? |
Anonymous
Yes, kids need to learn not everyone is fascinated by them. But they also need to learn that part of being social adults is making polite conversation even with people you don't care for. That you can't sit around and freeze out people and act like elitist snobs. |
Anonymous
No they are kids. They are your kids. If other adults do not want to talk them, fine. The kids will figure it out and leave them alone. The op should have learned the same a while ago, but did not. Why waste your time worrying about people who do not want to be around you? There is nothing you can do so move on and do not worry about. Life is too short. |
Anonymous
| You can't change other people but you can change your reaction to them. Your kids don't need to be angels around family so let them be kids as long as they are not hurting people or animals, damaging other people's possessions or running around screaming like wild animals. Do not go out of your way to talk to them or have your children greet them. Your children will get the message soon enough that Aunt and Uncle don't like them. |
Anonymous
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I take it you were invited for Thanksgiving Day, and I would continue to do that holiday with BIL and SIL in the name of family time with DH's family. However, no way would I ever start a tradition of dragging the children there for Christmas. If DH's parents ask, tell them you would like to have them join you for Christmas or alternate with BIL/SIL, but not go to their home as it is not fair for the children. And if you need to travel for Thanksgiving and stay at DH's parents home, then I guess you might consider a shorter stay or getting a hotel room. Also have you ever tired to develop an outing that all might enjoy as part of the Thanksgiving weekend such as to go on a walk/hike after dinner or go to a movie? If parents are older, your DH and BIL might take it as time to get out and rake up any fall leaves or do other tasks to help their parents get ready for winter. You and SIL should, of course, just go in and do the dishes for MIL. |
Anonymous
| Go on a different day from BIL and SIL |
Anonymous
| I've been there OP. My children are young adults now and karma is a bitch. From people who had no time for my family when the kids were young, my BIL and SIL are now just crazy about my children as funny confident adults. But you know what? Kids remember. The feeling is not returned in a whole hearted way. |
Anonymous
Very interesting. Serves them right. |
Anonymous
| OP here, Thank you everyone. We are very close to my husband's parents and do holidays with them. My BIL & SIL hosted Thanksgiving this year and will come to our house for Christmas and we see them for birthdays, etc. When I say it is a drain it is because they make no effort to speak to us, or our children. |
Anonymous
I've not seen anything that idicates they dislike you or your kids. Maybe they find you difficult to speak to. Maybe you intimidate them. Maybe they're just trying to make through the holiday themselves. Not everyone is as chatty as you. If they disliked you, why would they host Thanksgiving and come to your place at Christams? |
Anonymous
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"You and SIL should, of course, just go in and do the dishes for MIL. "
What???? |