I don't know what to say to my sister...please help

[Anonymous]

My sister has been TTC for 2.5 years with little success (one miscarriage 3 months in of trying). About a month after her miscarriage, I got pregnant with an IUD in place. DH and I were told after the IUD was taken out, we would likely lose the pregnancy. We didnt. There has been some unspoken tension between my sister and me, but we have been generally respectful of each other. I understood when she left my shower early and understand she will bow out of certain things. Shes also been a great and fun aunt.

Last month, she announced she was 3 months along and began telling everyone. Last week, she told everyone the name they had chosen. I just received a call from my BIL that she has lost the baby due to an issue with the amniotic sac and fluid. She is having the procedure tomorrow. BIL has said she's not up for talking to anyond right now and has her phone off.

what do i say when i do talk to her? I'm at a total loss and am terrified of saying something stupid.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I love you and am thinking of you.

That's all you have to say, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I love you and am thinking of you.

That's all you have to say, OP.

op here. Really, that's ok? I was worried that seemed too simple. thank you pp

[Anonymous]

It's more important that you say SOMETHING (send a note?) than what you say. As long as you avoid all the boneheaded things people say that minimize miscarriage or blame the victim.

Seriously, keep it simple and sincere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more important that you say SOMETHING (send a note?) than what you say. As long as you avoid all the boneheaded things people say that minimize miscarriage or blame the victim.

Seriously, keep it simple and sincere.

OP here. I see your point. I think I will keep it simple and just let her guide the discussion. I did ask BIL what I could do and he just texted me to ask if I could come over to let their dogs out while they are at the hospital. I was thinking of making her a little package of trashy magazines (her guilty pleasure) and her favorite snacks.

This sucks (the situation not the what to do)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's more important that you say SOMETHING (send a note?) than what you say. As long as you avoid all the boneheaded things people say that minimize miscarriage or blame the victim.

Seriously, keep it simple and sincere.

OP here. I see your point. I think I will keep it simple and just let her guide the discussion. I did ask BIL what I could do and he just texted me to ask if I could come over to let their dogs out while they are at the hospital. I was thinking of making her a little package of trashy magazines (her guilty pleasure) and her favorite snacks.

This sucks (the situation not the what to do)

Ugh, poor girl. I think this sounds like a good idea. She probably doesn't want to talk so this is a good way to show you care in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Snacks and magazines sounds good. Dinners is also a good option. Her body will be recovering for a while and she will be tired, and it is important that she eat nutritiously. Ask her what would be helpful-- would she like you to call her regularly, for example?

[Anonymous]

I think a care package sounds great along with some frozen food or gift certificates to places that deliver to her house.

Also a short note like the one mentioned above, but I would add--I'm here for you and what ever you need, if you need to talk, I'll listen; if you need to cry, I'll hold you; If you never want to bring it up, I'll follow your lead; if you need a distraction, we'll do something silly (or watch a bad movie or go shopping). For now, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and know that you have a sister that loves you unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

magazines sounds bad unless you vet them. there is always celebrity pregnancy and baby crap.

[Anonymous]

Ask her if she needs any clothes. She may not want to wear her maternity clothes, but it will take her a while to lose the weight. You could go shopping for her, pick up multiple sizes of yoga pants etc., and return what is not used. If she is going back to work, she will likely need work pants. You could also offer to go shopping with her. I recently had a MC and my mom did this for me, it was very thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:magazines sounds bad unless you vet them. there is always celebrity pregnancy and baby crap.

Yeah, just check about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:magazines sounds bad unless you vet them. there is always celebrity pregnancy and baby crap.

Whoah, good catch. After my miscarriages I saw pregnancy/newborn articles EVERYWHERE. If you flip through them first so you can choose the safe ones you will be sister of the year.

[Anonymous]

If you don't know what to say and you're needing to communicate through you BIL, you aren't too close.

It probably won't matter a lot what exactly you say.

Send flowers?

[Anonymous]

Don't forget to support your BIL. It is a big loss for him too, with the added burden of caring for your sister. He probably would love you to bring hearty meals.

Ask if you can take over any holiday responsibilities for them. She probably doesn't feel up to dealing with cards, shopping, cooking, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't know what to say and you're needing to communicate through you BIL, you aren't too close.

It probably won't matter a lot what exactly you say.

Send flowers?

Stupid troll, don't you have anything better to do?