How long to make friends?

[Anonymous]

DS is at a new school, 9th grade. Hangs out with other kids at school but has yet to socialize with anyone outside of school. He's really unhappy about this. School says boys take longer than girls and this is not at all unusual. Any ideas on cheering him up?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you help him plan an outing with friends? Go to the movie theatre, bowling, whatever your son is in to. At his age, you as a parent still have to facilitate socialization by picking up his friend(s), driving them, etc.

[Anonymous]

I agree 100% with above poster. When our son moved in 7th grade, the first kid who showed the slightest interest we invited bowling. When our son's birthday rolled around after a few months, we had a laser tag party and lots of kids attended -- that was an icebreaker. It will get better. If your son is involved in any special activities at school -- a club, sports team, etc. -- they usually have gatherings outside of school that spill into the social realm. If he isn't involved in such things, encourage him to pick something he might enjoy and join it. At small private schools, ironically this can be more important than at larger publics b/c often the many kids live far away from one another so more parent effort is involved to get them together sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Does he play a sport?

[Anonymous]

Trust me, we've offered. 9th is a bit different from 7th. He is involved in activities. I think it will all fall into place, it just hasn't yet. He's shy.

[Anonymous]

No, he's not athletic.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT organize his play dates anymore. He is in high school for goodness sake. Kids need to figure it out for themselves, and he will. My son went through the same thing in ninth. On the LAST day of school last year he finally invited some boys over and now they gang out all the time. Just let it happen naturally. Plus in high school kids gave a lot more work and there isn't much time for hanging out after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT organize his play dates anymore. He is in high school for goodness sake. Kids need to figure it out for themselves, and he will. My son went through the same thing in ninth. On the LAST day of school last year he finally invited some boys over and now they gang out all the time. Just let it happen naturally. Plus in high school kids gave a lot more work and there isn't much time for hanging out after school.

OP and I agree completely. DS absolutely doesn't want us organizing anything and he's right. And he definitely has a lot more homework than he did at his old school. This post is very helpful, thanks.

[Anonymous]

DD is in similar situation. I think (hope) it just takes time. I also wonder just how "social" other 15 year olds are... they are all busy with homework, family and other obligations, plus at least my DD is hesitant to ask others to do things if we have to help with transportation... metro is somewhat accessible for her, but not for many at her school.

Are other DCs in 9th grade fairly social outside of school and sports?

[Anonymous]

I think it will depend on your child. I can foresee that our oldest DC will probably take a while to warm up and get good friends in HS. Younger will come back with best friends the first day!

[Anonymous]

DD just started her 10th school in 9 years. Her pattern is that she's miserable until about December and by March she has a circle of friends. It definitely takes time and it has gotten harder as she's gotten older, of course. What helped this time was participating in the first play of the year where she spent time with other kids after school several days a week and I got to know other moms by way of volunteering. When the other parents meet you personally, they seem to think of your child more often when the time comes to invite friends over. Now if I could just convince DD to reciprocate...

It's still early in the year, he'll find his people. I would just recommend that you encourage him to participate in activities when possible and keep him busy on the weekends so he doesn't feel isolated. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT organize his play dates anymore. He is in high school for goodness sake. Kids need to figure it out for themselves, and he will. My son went through the same thing in ninth. On the LAST day of school last year he finally invited some boys over and now they gang out all the time. Just let it happen naturally. Plus in high school kids gave a lot more work and there isn't much time for hanging out after school.

I think the PP was just making some suggestions that OP could make as suggestions to her son for him to invite his friends. Not for her as the parent to set up the actual events.

I grew up going to private school that was about 45 minutes away from my house. All the friends I made lived 45 minutest to an hour away. We rarely hung out outside of school until I got my license junior year and could drive myself. Getting parents to give rides on the weekends for that distance was tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is at a new school, 9th grade. Hangs out with other kids at school but has yet to socialize with anyone outside of school. He's really unhappy about this. School says boys take longer than girls and this is not at all unusual. Any ideas on cheering him up?

Be proactive! I have found that's how it is done at many schools! Invite boys over to hang out or bowling or some other activity 9th graders like to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is at a new school, 9th grade. Hangs out with other kids at school but has yet to socialize with anyone outside of school. He's really unhappy about this. School says boys take longer than girls and this is not at all unusual. Any ideas on cheering him up?

Be proactive! I have found that's how it is done at many schools! Invite boys over to hang out or bowling or some other activity 9th graders like to do.

OP again. I can't imagine any 9th graders putting up with their mom setting up playdates. I would never do this, not only because DS would never allow it, but it would mark him. You clearly don't have a high school student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is at a new school, 9th grade. Hangs out with other kids at school but has yet to socialize with anyone outside of school. He's really unhappy about this. School says boys take longer than girls and this is not at all unusual. Any ideas on cheering him up?

Be proactive! I have found that's how it is done at many schools! Invite boys over to hang out or bowling or some other activity 9th graders like to do.

OP again. I can't imagine any 9th graders putting up with their mom setting up playdates. I would never do this, not only because DS would never allow it, but it would mark him. You clearly don't have a high school student.

OP, you're misunderstanding the suggestions some PPs are tying to give you. No one has recommended setting up playdates. Only that you help your son with coming up with activities he can do with friends. You still have to drive him around, but you will drop/pick him up. The easiest thing he can do is invite people to his house to watch a movie or whatever.