How long to make friends?

[Anonymous]

So glad we are not the only ones going through this! Exact same scenario here - although I was heartened to see that when we went to the mall the other day, he saw two boys from school and they greeted each other and talked for a moment. Can I count that as hanging out?

[Anonymous]

OP, I worried about the same thing with all three of my kids (now in their teens and early 20s), and as a middle-school teacher, I hear the same concerns from many parents of my former students. I think kids at this age are experiencing so many changes -- physically, emotionally, cognitively, in their friendships, in ways of socializing with their peers, in their family relationships, in the academic and extracurricular demands placed on them -- that it takes them a while to figure out the social scene. All 9th-graders, even the lifers are a K-12 school, are new to high school, and often they're a little overwhelmed. Sometimes they think they're supposed to be having a fantastically fun and busy social life -- a perception that can be fueled by parental anxiety -- when really by Friday night they're so exhausted that what they really want to do is just sit on the couch and watch a movie with the family. That might not sound like a lot of fun, but it's not draining in the way that social events can be for kids at this age, especially boys.

That may not be the case with your DS -- you said he was unhappy -- but notwithstanding this, he may not be ready to be proactive socially. You're right that it just won't work for you to orchestrate his social life, but it doesn't hurt to make suggestions every once in a while -- "hey do you want to invite some friends to come over for pizza and a movie?" He probably won't take you up on it, but then again, he might. It also makes sense for you to consider whether your house provides a comfortable space where he can hang out with friends in relative privacy. It doesn't have to be luxurious, but it helps to have a couch, a TV and maybe a foosball table. You can also encourage your son to participate in school activities. That's the easiest way for kids to get to know each other without the pressure of being in a social setting like a dance or party. Finally, you can commiserate with your son -- teens don't necessarily expect or want you to fix things for them, but they almost always appreciate having their feelings acknowledged. Just saying "I know it sucks for you right now, but it takes time to make friends." This is also good practice, BTW, for the first semester of college when many kids miss their high school pals and feel a little lonely as they start building relationships in a new community.

HTH. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP - I am not the OP, but your words are very helpful as we navigate 9th grade. Appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I am OP and I found it helpful as well. We do occasionally make suggestions but if we do too much of that it will just make him feel worse.