are my holiday expectations unfair to my husband? be honest!
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Anonymous
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My mother passed away when we were little so it was just me and my 3 brothers and dad most of my life. I cook the holiday dinners and host every year. We have no other family and my husband is extremely close with them all, in his words "they are more like family to him than his own."
I feel guilty every holiday because we spend the actual day with my family and then go the weekend to his to visit. My thought behind it, is he has a large family that switches houses each year for who's hosting. We don't have that, if I'm not there, I feel like they won't get to have a holiday. My husband has never complained or said anything but I feel bad. We tried combining last year but recently my in-laws moved a few hours away to retire. They are having a huge thanksgiving with all of their family and we will plan to drive up Friday but will miss seeing a lot of them. Feeling torn. Thanks for reading. Any schedule suggestions would be appreciated! |
Anonymous
| If your husband hasn't complained and you see both families during the thanksgiving weekend, then I wouldn't worry. |
Anonymous
Agree. |
Anonymous
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If nobody is complain or dropping hints to switch things around then what's the problem? Be glad it works out well.
No need to fix what's not broken. |
Anonymous
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But what if OPs DH is too nice to say anything, but it does really bother him?
Especially now that his parents live a few houses away? |
Anonymous
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You said your husband claims he is closer to your family than his own, and he hasn't said a word about this arrangement, so it doesn't seem unfair to me. Presumably you and your husband are honest enough with each other that he would simply speak up, right?
But don't your brothers have spouses and children of their own now? That part is a little confusing to me. |
Anonymous
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I think if your husband is fine with it, then you don't have a problem. And this probably will change in the future as your brothers marry and have kids.
But you might want to consider gradually nudging your dad and brothers toward pulling their weight a little more, if your brothers are adults. You never know what the future may hold and it would be sad if they were really uncapable of having a Thanksgiving without you, like if you got the flu or something. You could start by asking them to bring side dishes, and generally looping them in on the logistics more and more each year. |
Anonymous
Agree as well. Let it rest. |
Anonymous
Then he should speak up. |
Anonymous
You must be lovely to deal with. |
Anonymous
| I think you sound like a lovely, well meaning person. I think at least every other year or every third year, you need to host Thanksgiving for your brothers and dad on a Friday or Saturday night and go to your in laws for actual Thanksgiving. That way, no one is left out and you can still get to see other family. |
Anonymous
In addition, I don't know if your brothers are married yet, but when they do, everything will change. And they might rotate with their wives families. |
Anonymous
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I agree with prior PPs that don't fix what's not broken, and that your DH seems happy with the way it is.
I appreciate that you are trying to "help" make things better for your DH, but I really think trying to read his mind is the wrong way, in general, for you to go (and women in general with men). I think a good chunk of us here on DCUM are living with unsatisfying to miserable holiday situations because of family or extended family drama. Many of the posts you'll read are people suffering through, or trying to extricate themselves, out of repetitive sub-optimal experiences. You don't have any drama. It's bliss. For God's sake, please don't start biting at the apple; you'll end up out of Eden. And there are infinite variations on ways to have miserable holidays. Your DH is low maintenance on this; that's his gift to you. Accept it and be grateful! |
Anonymous
| Stop feeling guilty. Do whatever is easiest. You can always switch your family's Thanksgiving to another day on some years. Perhaps you are just stressed that you are carrying the weight of all the meal preparation on your shoulders. How hard is it for a brother to buy a pumpkin pie or a can of cranberry sauce? Also, you don't have to see everyone on your husband's side for every holiday. Unless your husband is sending grouchy vibes that he doesn't like the arrangement, then carry on as usual and don't worry about it. |
Anonymous
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If it's not broken, don't fix it -- but it sounds like it's worth checking in with your husband to make sure he's okay with the status quo, especially if EVERY holiday is with your family and he's missing out on all his big family get togethers. It wasn't clear from your post if you are just talking about Thanksgiving, or other holidays as well.
I would acknowledge that it means a lot to you that you are able to host your own faimly, but be open to changing things up occassionally. We have a similar dynamic in my family, but I have the big family and DH has the small local family that would really miss our presence if we weren't there. Most of the time we spend holidays with DH's family, which is fine, but I proactively organize other big events with my extended family to make up for it (we usually do a holiday celebration together some other day) and every few years I start getting homesick for my family traditions so we do the actual holiday with my family and DH's family just has to deal. Sounds like neither you or your husband is approaching this selfishly, so why not just talk about it? |