Puzzled by Friend's Relationship

[Anonymous]

Would you be ok in supposedly close, loving relationship where your man gets hit on constantly by other women - many of them yours and his college friends - and him flirting back and enjoying the attention? And would you give him a hall pass after he dumped you and took you back?

My friend from college (we were roommates freshman year, very casual friends since then) is in this kind of relationship. I didn't have much contact with her for years except for birthday and holiday greetings and occasionally chats, but recently we got back in closer touch and I've found out all this. Her boyfriend is actually a good guy and she's been seeing him since college (we are all in our early thirties) and I think they plan to get married. But he flirts like a single man, sometimes right in front of her. She says she trusts him and gave him a hall pass. I asked her if she had one for herself and she said no, she didn't want one.

WHAT????

My friend is not a doormat, she's a strong, smart, independent woman. Not the brightest bulb in the box but certainly not a fool either. And her boyfriend has always come across like a good guy and I like how he appears to conduct his life, although to be frank I don't know him as well.

I just am so puzzled by this relationship, but I am not necessarily "close" enough to my friend to ask questions or tell her she's an idiot.

Don't respond with MYOB. I think there's nothing wrong with being curious about how this works. Is this a common relationship arrangement? Is it as unhealthy as it looks to me?

[Anonymous]

You never really know what's going on in someone's relationship. Myob. If it works for them, it works for them.

[Anonymous]

Looks like your friend has some serious self-esteem issues, to say the least.

[Anonymous]

This sounds weird as hell. I feel bad for your friend. I predict he doesn't marry her, after all the years she spent waiting for that. And that if he does, he will cheat on her in the Long run.

In college I dated a guy who girls would flirt with and he would flirt back. I rationalized it because he was super hot and the big man on campus. Well one day I woke up and realized I deserved soooo much better (it was actually after my sister pointed out to me how fucked up our relationship dynamics were). I tried to salvage the relationship but make it more mutually respectful and it didn't work because he was used to getting things his way. It took me a longgggggggg time to recover emotionally from that relationship, and from the sense that I had let myself down and reared myself badly. I predict the same for your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My friend is not a doormat

Speak for yourself, she behaves like a doormat.

[Anonymous]

icky friends

[Anonymous]

Swingers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: But he flirts like a single man, sometimes right in front of her. She says she trusts him and gave him a hall pass. I asked her if she had one for herself and she said no, she didn't want one.

WHAT????

This is what gets to you is that she doesn't want a "hall pass" too. OP, she's obviously not the strong woman you think she is. This isn't you know very well either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never really know what's going on in someone's relationship. Myob. If it works for them, it works for them.

Yup.

Dh and I habe the same "girlfriend". I'm sure people talk behind my back thinking he's cheating on me, but aare completely unaware of oir arrangement. Fact is I love women and men and love having both at once.

[Anonymous]

I was thinking it takes a strong and secure woman to not be threatened by the flirting. And a woman who knows what she wants to choose not to flirt with other guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was thinking it takes a strong and secure woman to not be threatened by the flirting. And a woman who knows what she wants to choose not to flirt with other guys.

+1

While my man does not flirt that much, I am very secure with him. Some people are fine with having fun when they are out and fantasizing like crazy in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was thinking it takes a strong and secure woman to not be threatened by the flirting. And a woman who knows what she wants to choose not to flirt with other guys.

+1

While my man does not flirt that much, I am very secure with him. Some people are fine with having fun when they are out and fantasizing like crazy in the bedroom.

You are the same male troll who likes to pretend to be a lady on here and advocates for certain positions that would only be taken by the female protagonist in a porn film. The same troll from the dead bedrooms posts. Please stop pretending to be a lady, it's so embarrassing and obvious.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps they deserve each other.

It sounds like you don't know either of them too well so there could be certain sides to them that you are totally unaware of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was thinking it takes a strong and secure woman to not be threatened by the flirting. And a woman who knows what she wants to choose not to flirt with other guys.

+1

While my man does not flirt that much, I am very secure with him. Some people are fine with having fun when they are out and fantasizing like crazy in the bedroom.

You are the same male troll who likes to pretend to be a lady on here and advocates for certain positions that would only be taken by the female protagonist in a porn film. The same troll from the dead bedrooms posts. Please stop pretending to be a lady, it's so embarrassing and obvious.

Lol I'm flattered, but I am in fact a woman. I also enjoy my boyfriend who is kinkier than me. But you are probably right in that I have the mind and sex drive of a man.

[Anonymous]

My coffee hasn't kicked in yet. I can't think what "certain positions that would only be taken by the female protagonist in a porn film" might be. Is it the silly handstand stuff?

To answer OP, so many people have puzzling relationships that wouldn't work for us personally. You never really know what the deal is between couples.

Maybe your friend has low jealousy or high tolerance levels, or deep down she's miserable or has low self-esteem, or she's low sex drive/emotional affect, or maybe she makes trade-offs for certain things that matter to her.