Two Kids, Angry Husband, Lots of Stress

[Anonymous]

Just a vent, I guess. Anyone else BTDT with some advice?

We have two little kids. We're not getting a lot of sleep. Husband's job is stressful and his boss is not the greatest to work for. I work too but job is not as bad. All that is leading to a lot of fighting in our house. I'm nowhere near perfect but I just ask that my husband speak to me respectfully. Instead, he flies off the handle at the littlest things.

A couple examples:

I'm holding sleeping baby - she often needs to be held to fall asleep. Husband has toddler and they are eating snacks together. Toddler flips plate of snacks on the floor. Husband screams and starts yelling at me that I need to help him. Toddler starts crying and husband says that I'm just sitting there doing nothing and why don't I ever help him. I guess I was supposed to hover next to them in case the toddler looked like he might flip the plate? I immediately put the baby down in her swing and helped clean up. But at that point husband was in a full on rage - why can't toddler just sit nicely? why am I sitting on my ass instead of helping him with toddler?

I'm cooking everyone breakfast. Husband is with both kids. Husband is convinced toddler is going to have meltdown even though toddler is playing nicely. Baby is asleep in swing. Husband gets really nasty about how long it is taking me to cook and what am I doing in there (kitchen). And why am I not helping him with the kids. So I turned all the burners off and went into the living room to help with the kids. There was nothing to do so I just sat there watching the toddler play. Then Husband got embarrassed and told me to go finish cooking but hurry up because it shouldn't take all day to make breakfast.

We used to be a really loving couple. I used to think we would be together forever. Now I don't even like this man.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he needs therapy and anger management.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he needs therapy and anger management.

Yeah, I think so. Funny thing is he's only had one other long term relationship and she left him because "he had an anger problem and was mean." Took 10 years for me to realize she's right.

[MikeL]

He sounds like a real asshole.
Counseling for you both, or plan to leave him.

[Anonymous]

OMG, reading you post stressed me! Your husband sounds like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he needs therapy and anger management.

You can not fix him. Everyone has stress but he needs to learn how to control it.

[Anonymous]

Meds.

[Anonymous]

I married this guy too- it's OK. I'll bet you are a nurturing type- just like me. Husband morphed to needy and punishing me when I loved our daughter - comments like "If she weren't here you'd love me...I took it as a direct threat to my girl. Long story short- it got worse. Divorce is pending. Now I have to fight for custody of a little one he has ignored for 10 years. Run!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a lot like my ex-husband.

[Anonymous]

Dump him. This is toxic

[Anonymous]

Little kids are stressful. Everyone deals with stress differently and lot of people don't deal with it well. Try to hang on until the baby gets older, and try to do as little damage to your marriage as you can in the process. Sleep and sex are your friends if you can manage them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Little kids are stressful. Everyone deals with stress differently and lot of people don't deal with it well. Try to hang on until the baby gets older, and try to do as little damage to your marriage as you can in the process. Sleep and sex are your friends if you can manage them.

+1 - but I think you still need to talk to him about how he speaks to you. The early years are sooo tough. My kids are in ES now, and it's become so much easier. It does help that I went PT (I realize I am fortunate to be able to do this).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has anxiety.

Was your husband like this before baby #2? It may take time for him and you to adjust to two kids. Especially, if he is anxious type! Hang in there OP, try not to react to his anger. What calm or made him happy prior to kids? I would say 2-3 years of hardship and thing will get better if you both work at it.
I think it is pretty normal to have these types of stress when you have two little ones. If you know he will lose his cool, help him out. If he has to feed toddler while baby sleeps on you then maybe give food that is easy to feed to make him feel he doing something right. All that yelling he is doing is a kind of cried for help in some ways.
parenting doesn't come natural to some people but it doesn't mean they are bad.

This will pass. If he has been loving the past ten years then something else is making it in balanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump him. This is toxic

Oh for Pete Freakin sakes. I'm sorry you're alone now, but don't take it out on OP.

This is common, OP, I hate to say it. You are in THE WORST YEARS. Newborn + Toddler = new levels of stress. Throw in your DH's job situation and you have a formula for problems.

How about a little patience and compassion?

I agree he cannot continue to act this way, but please try to see where it's coming from. I promise it will get better, but unfortunately, most likely not until your baby is 4. Hang in there. Work with him. Try to have some laughs. Or, just write the next couple of years off as Really Stressful and look forward to the next stage.