Debate about my toxic mother?

[Anonymous]

DH and in our 30's with a 4.5yo and 17wo. We have been having a debate whether or not to include my mother in our children lives. Bear with me as this will be long but I believe to fully give opinion you will need to know a great deal.

My mother walked out on my siblings and father when I was 3. My father was an abusive drunk. I don't hate my mom for leaving but I hate her for leaving us with him. My siblings were 8mo., 5, 7.5, and 9 years old, respectively. My dad was abusuve to most of us when drunk and that's what I can't comprehend. I know my mom feared for her life but how can a mother leave her children behind with a man who is physically abusive towards them? During that time my mother built a new family with another man while we grew up in an toxic home. Fast forward years, my dad was sent to prison. My mom left us for two days in a shelter before my aunt dragged her down to get us. Living why her wasnt much better. She yelled 24/7, beat my oldest brother ( she told him cops would take him away and he would be a guys bitch in prison) and age broke us. We were called a bitch, stupid, ugly, worthless, and worse while my you her new child was coveted. From the age of 16, I was threatened to be kicked out for standing up for myself. My mom threatened us with physically abuse and getting kicked out. When I was 16 I was afraid to trust guys so I didn't date. My mom told our family I was a lesbian. She ruined every holiday and party with her tantrums. My mom is hooked on weed and was diagnosed with BP disorder but refuses medication. She treats everyone horribly, including my step-dad. My oldest sister has 3 children. My mom used to babysit them and would treat them the same ( minus physical abuse). I don't have any relationship with her. To me she is nothing but a deadbeat egg donor.

Now that I am a mom I can't fathom every treating my children this way or letting anyone like her near them. My DH had a tumultuous relationship with his dad and he passed before they could ever reconcile. He has always regretted that. DD is at the point where she is asking questions about her grandparents. DH thinks despite our past, I should put that aside and let DD have a relationship with my mom. I'm against it and don't want her in any of lives. I feel bad keeping DD from family but its my duty to protect her. I know my mom will never change and I won't let my children see and feel that level of pain that comes from her.

There is much more to the story and her bad behavior. She is toxic in every way. I don't want that in our life. My siblings either don't speak to her, or only see her on holidays. I welcome opinions on what to do and who may be correct in this situation?

[Anonymous]

No way jose. She treats your sister's kids like you were treated? Deal breaker. Your kids don't need that kind of grandma.

[Anonymous]

I did not grow up in a great household (my siblings and I have collectively spent many years in therapy and struggled with life-altering mental health issues), but I usually think maintaining a relationship in order to gain closure and find the positive can be worthwhile.

In your case, no way would I let my kids in the same zip code as my mom. Physical abuse and drug abuse (not to mention repeated abandonment) are not places you can come back from...or achieve an equilibrium around. Your DH is flat wrong in this case.

[Anonymous]

^PP again. Not that you asked, but your post reflects remarkable strength and grace. It's wonderful to read that you've found a place of happiness and joy after the childhood you experienced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^PP again. Not that you asked, but your post reflects remarkable strength and grace. It's wonderful to read that you've found a place of happiness and joy after the childhood you experienced.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^PP again. Not that you asked, but your post reflects remarkable strength and grace. It's wonderful to read that you've found a place of happiness and joy after the childhood you experienced.

+1

Thank you! That means a lot to hear this. I spent years seeing a therapist that helped me through obstacles that were holding me back. I am in a wonderful place with an amazing family, great friends, and a wonderful career. I don't want to let that toxin back in my life.

[Anonymous]

I would adopt an old lady who is alone in a nearby nursing home for my kid before giving them your mother.

My mother has not been in my life since I was 15. I don't feel bad about her not being in my kids lives. Your mom won't be the grandma your husband wants for your kids. She just won't.

[Anonymous]

Your instincts are right. Do not let this woman near your child. Do not let this toxic, dangerous woman have any part of your child's life. Your husband's relationship with his dad has no bearing on your relationship wih your mom. Do not let him sway you.

[Anonymous]

OMG, your husband is stupid if he thinks your kid would be better off with this type of grand parent. Put your foot down and do not let her get near your kid.

[Anonymous]

I believe she can't be trusted. She did not earn your love nor did she earn her role as your mother. She is not better and she is likely to abuse again. You have not determined if there is a way to contain her should she become an actively involved member of your nuclear family. So, no, do not involve. Explain why to your children in terms they can understand, and increase the level of detail as they get older and can comprehend more. You can mention abuse, mental illness, nit trustworthy, and unsafe if you like.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Both of DH's parents were abusive with he and his siblings but they would never harm their grandchildren. I don't know why or how they changed but they did. Even still I wouldn't leave my children with them until they were old enough to read and not for long periods. One hint of abuse and they wouldn't have seen the kids ever again and they know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your instincts are right. Do not let this woman near your child. Do not let this toxic, dangerous woman have any part of your child's life. Your husband's relationship with his dad has no bearing on your relationship wih your mom. Do not let him sway you.

+1

Your husband wants to jeopardize your chikdren's well-being. For what? Your mother is not going to be a cuddly, loving grandmother; she's going to be abusivd and toxic. And she was extremely horrible to you. Why would your husband want to have you suffer from bringing her back into your life? Doesn't he get that you and he are happily together because you severed ties with her and worked on healing? Do not undo that or risk harm to your kids. DH is dead wrong.

[Anonymous]

Your instincts are correct. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I am glad you seem to be in a good place now. On a separate note, what was your sister thinking when she let your mom babysit her kids? Nuts..

[Anonymous]

I think your DH needs to go to therapy (or return to it) to better understand how his past is different than yours. His judgment is clouded by his emotions.

My background isn't that different from yours. After I had kids of my own, I realized just how horrific it was and was re-traumatizing. I still can't imagine how a parent could do that to a child and the other parent not do everything she could to prevent it. If my DH had pushed/encouraged/suggested me to have a relationship with my father like yours, it would have caused serious issues in our relationship.

I agree with the PP about adopting an older person in a nursing home before giving them your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and in our 30's with a 4.5yo and 17wo. We have been having a debate whether or not to include my mother in our children lives. Bear with me as this will be long but I believe to fully give opinion you will need to know a great deal.

My mother walked out on my siblings and father when I was 3. My father was an abusive drunk. I don't hate my mom for leaving but I hate her for leaving us with him. My siblings were 8mo., 5, 7.5, and 9 years old, respectively. My dad was abusuve to most of us when drunk and that's what I can't comprehend. I know my mom feared for her life but how can a mother leave her children behind with a man who is physically abusive towards them? During that time my mother built a new family with another man while we grew up in an toxic home. Fast forward years, my dad was sent to prison. My mom left us for two days in a shelter before my aunt dragged her down to get us. Living why her wasnt much better. She yelled 24/7, beat my oldest brother ( she told him cops would take him away and he would be a guys bitch in prison) and age broke us. We were called a bitch, stupid, ugly, worthless, and worse while my you her new child was coveted. From the age of 16, I was threatened to be kicked out for standing up for myself. My mom threatened us with physically abuse and getting kicked out. When I was 16 I was afraid to trust guys so I didn't date. My mom told our family I was a lesbian. She ruined every holiday and party with her tantrums. My mom is hooked on weed and was diagnosed with BP disorder but refuses medication. She treats everyone horribly, including my step-dad. My oldest sister has 3 children. My mom used to babysit them and would treat them the same ( minus physical abuse). I don't have any relationship with her. To me she is nothing but a deadbeat egg donor.

Now that I am a mom I can't fathom every treating my children this way or letting anyone like her near them. My DH had a tumultuous relationship with his dad and he passed before they could ever reconcile. He has always regretted that. DD is at the point where she is asking questions about her grandparents. DH thinks despite our past, I should put that aside and let DD have a relationship with my mom. I'm against it and don't want her in any of lives. I feel bad keeping DD from family but its my duty to protect her. I know my mom will never change and I won't let my children see and feel that level of pain that comes from her.

There is much more to the story and her bad behavior. She is toxic in every way. I don't want that in our life. My siblings either don't speak to her, or only see her on holidays. I welcome opinions on what to do and who may be correct in this situation?

Why would you feel bad keeping your DD away from that kind of family? Your DH's judgment is clouded. His "tumultuous relationship" with his father had a chance of reconciliation. You can't reconcile a bad personality and that's what your mother has (to put it mildly).

PS (what happens if you let your mother around your DC and when DC is 12 she confesses that grandma has emotionally abused her and once or twice physically abused her? And your reaction is "yeah, I kind of figured that would happen but family is important! Sorry for those psychological scars you are going to carry for the rest of your life." What's your DD going to think of you as a mother then?)