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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Need opinions on debate between DH and I about my toxic mom?
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Anonymous
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DH and in our 30's with a 4.5yo and 17wo. We have been having a debate whether or not to include my mother in our children lives. Bear with me as this will be long but I believe to fully give opinion you will need to know a great deal.
My mother walked out on my siblings and father when I was 3. My father was an abusive drunk. I don't hate my mom for leaving but I hate her for leaving us with him. My siblings were 8mo., 5, 7.5, and 9 years old, respectively. My dad was abusuve to most of us when drunk and that's what I can't comprehend. I know my mom feared for her life but how can a mother leave her children behind with a man who is physically abusive towards them? During that time my mother built a new family with another man while we grew up in an toxic home. Fast forward years, my dad was sent to prison. My mom left us for two days in a shelter before my aunt dragged her down to get us. Living why her wasnt much better. She yelled 24/7, beat my oldest brother ( she told him cops would take him away and he would be a guys bitch in prison) and age broke us. We were called a bitch, stupid, ugly, worthless, and worse while my you her new child was coveted. From the age of 16, I was threatened to be kicked out for standing up for myself. My mom threatened us with physically abuse and getting kicked out. When I was 16 I was afraid to trust guys so I didn't date. My mom told our family I was a lesbian. She ruined every holiday and party with her tantrums. My mom is hooked on weed and was diagnosed with BP disorder but refuses medication. She treats everyone horribly, including my step-dad. My oldest sister has 3 children. My mom used to babysit them and would treat them the same ( minus physical abuse). I don't have any relationship with her. To me she is nothing but a deadbeat egg donor. Now that I am a mom I can't fathom every treating my children this way or letting anyone like her near them. My DH had a tumultuous relationship with his dad and he passed before they could ever reconcile. He has always regretted that. DD is at the point where she is asking questions about her grandparents. DH thinks despite our past, I should put that aside and let DD have a relationship with my mom. I'm against it and don't want her in any of lives. I feel bad keeping DD from family but its my duty to protect her. I know my mom will never change and I won't let my children see and feel that level of pain that comes from her. There is much more to the story and her bad behavior. She is toxic in every way. I don't want that in our life. My siblings either don't speak to her, or only see her on holidays. I welcome opinions on what to do and who may be correct in this situation? |
Anonymous
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If I were you I would not let her near my children.
She would be dead to me. |
Anonymous
| Oh my god, no, no, no. Some relationships can't be healed, and that's okay. |
Anonymous
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Your mom, your decision. I think it's cruel for your husband to second guess you. He shouldn't put his baggage on your situation. Has he seen your mom in action? I have a BPD family member and I don't think my husband truly understood until he witnessed one of her episodes.
I totally understand wanting to shield your children. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately he has seen her act badly. I think he just regrets making up or having some peace with his father and he doesn't want me to regret that one day. He means well and I course would kill her of she hurt our kids. He sees the good in every person and feels she will be different now. I'm trying to explain that a leopard will never change their spots. |
Anonymous
| Don't let your DH's guilt over his own background influence your decisions here. She does indeed sound toxic and I wouldn't want her to have a relationship with my kids either. If you ever change your mind, you could try meeting in a public place so you can introduce your kids to her briefly, but it doesn't sound like she will ever be a grandmother figure. |
Anonymous
| You sound so convicted in this. Don't let DH sway you. You know her sooo much better than he does. |
Anonymous
| She wouldn't even know that I had a child. I would have cut her out long ago. |
Anonymous
PP here - how would he feel if your mom lost it on front of your kids? That could be very scary for a small child. It's scary for adults! Only you know your limits, but I think you should trust your instincts on this. It would be great to find peace but unfortunately that is not always possible. Your husband may not have ever been able to make peace with his estranged dad even if they both lived a hundred years. Your mom's treatment of you is despicable and I am sorry your husband isn't supporting you. That must be really hard, even if his heart is in the right place (which I don't doubt). |
Anonymous
| Inclined to say I agree with you but what if kids met her once for short visit in neutral location and you take pics. That way your kids have some memory pic....maybe she will change when they are older. |
Anonymous
| No no no. While your hubbie's heart may be in the right place, he needs to let this issue along. Tell him that it is your choice, and that if you end up regretting it, it is a risk you are willing to take. But let him know in no uncertain terms that he needs to leave this issue alone, it is too painful for you to much through again. And he needs to respect that. |
Anonymous
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OP - I have a PhD in toxic people. I could go on and on telling you stories etc. But I will be brief. Your mother has mental health and addiction issues, as you know. She probably hasn't changed. And she could be the person who breaks "the one" - your marriage. Or poison your children. Why risk it? Over DNA? Please. I am sure it's tough to be in your shoes, but it would probably be way tougher to be in your shoes with a lunatic in your life. The grass doesn't look like it's greener on the other side - it looks toxic.
Tell your kids that your mother has mental illness and addiction issues when they are old enough to understand. They are both diseases. Meanwhile, I would suggest you try Al-Anon. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I love those meetings and the life lessons I learned. SO much wisdom in those rooms. Try it out - try a few different places, and as the saying there goes, take what you like and leave the rest. |
Anonymous
| I grew up with a toxic grandmother. She was not in our lives, and I can count on one hand the number of times I met her in person. My patents tried once or twice to have u visit with her. One of the times ended in her saying nasty stuff to a sibling. That was the last time. It was weird as a kid to know she was alive but not in our lives, but I never questioned that it was for the best. I think my parents did the correct thing in keeping her away. |
Anonymous
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My mother is toxic. She is around my child when she has time while we're in town. She doesn't talk to her or show any interest.
She knows my mom, but I strictly limit the exposure. |
Anonymous
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I am so sorry that you endured such a horrific childhood OP. Your story sounds very sad, yet I am happy to know that you have broken the vicious cycle of abuse so that your own children will NEVER experience the hell that you + your siblings had to live through.
I don't know that age of your daughter, but here is what I would do. I would be 100% straightforward and honest w/her about your mother, though I understand leaving out some painful details may be a must considering her age. Let her know she wasn't a good mother to you growing up and that there were many things she did to you and your siblings that you could never imagine doing to her and her siblings. Also, let her know that she hasn't changed her ways since and that you will probably never have a good relationship w/her because of this. Then stress to your daughter that armed w/this knowledge, it is entirely up to her if she wants to pursue a relationship w/her Grandmother. If she does, then tell her to proceed w/extreme caution and to not hold any high hopes. Good luck to both you and your dear daughter. |