Need opinions on debate between DH and I about my toxic mom?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Please do not consider exposing your children to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry that you endured such a horrific childhood OP. Your story sounds very sad, yet I am happy to know that you have broken the vicious cycle of abuse so that your own children will NEVER experience the hell that you + your siblings had to live through.

I don't know that age of your daughter, but here is what I would do.

I would be 100% straightforward and honest w/her about your mother, though I understand leaving out some painful details may be a must considering her age.

Let her know she wasn't a good mother to you growing up and that there were many things she did to you and your siblings that you could never imagine doing to her and her siblings. Also, let her know that she hasn't changed her ways since and that you will probably never have a good relationship w/her because of this.

Then stress to your daughter that armed w/this knowledge, it is entirely up to her if she wants to pursue a relationship w/her Grandmother. If she does, then tell her to proceed w/extreme caution and to not hold any high hopes.

Good luck to both you and your dear daughter.

She's almost 4 years old and my youngest is 17 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Your husband doesn't get to use you and your kids to work out his feelings of pain and guilt over his own relationship with his father. What happened with his dad happened. It's done.

I believe that each parent gets to decide what relationship their children will have with the related grandparent. That parent knows his/her parent the best. If you say no to your mom having any relationship with you or your kids, then that's it. Your husband doesn't have to agree with it, but he absolutely needs to support and respect it.

[Anonymous]

I have a horrible father and my two children have never met him. My 8yr old has asked about it and I've told him that my father is sick in the head and I don't talk to him.

Honestly, I'm really not conflicted and my DH respects my choice to not allow toxic people in my life.

Just because someone can squeeze out a baby or shoot some sperm, it does not grant the right to be a part of our lives. Respect is earned. We did not ask to be put in this planet, it is up to the parent to be the bigger person.

I have told my father loud and clear that unit he acknowledges what a horrible father he is and how he has fucked it up every step of the way, I'm not interested in having any relationship with him. I'm all for forgiveness, but in order to gain my forgiveness, then he has to admit there is/was a problem. IN my case that will never happen, and that is OK.

Your DH really needs to be a passenger here and allow you to drive.

[Anonymous]

Same post, same time, same bat channel:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/422184.page