joint christmas-does it ever really work?
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Anonymous
| DH and I had our first baby this year and we've all spent time with the respective in-laws in some form. His parents and my parents get along moderately okay-they have very little in common, but manage to make polite conversation about the weather when they see each other. There are some political clashes, which can be mediated with strategic changes of topic. They would never elect to be in each other's company, but nobody would take out a gun. The issue is, we're both only children and for medical reasons this probably will be our only child. That means both sets of in-laws have just one grandchild, and they all want to be there for her first Christmas. Should we have Christmas all together, risking icy family relationships but allowing everyone to experience the holiday with their granddaughter? Anyone experienced in this? |
Anonymous
| We do joint birthdays every year. NBD. |
Anonymous
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If they don't want it badly enough to put up with each other, they don't want it badly enough to have it. I would tell them all that everyone is invited and let the chips fall where they may. If it's a disaster, you'll know you tried, and then you can figure out what makes sense for next year.
Either that or you flip a coin, then start alternating years. Yes the first Christmas is special, but second Christmas is a lot more fun, in my opinion, because the kid actually has a clue of what's going on. |
Anonymous
| We did joint Christmases for the first five years. Everyone survived. Now we have my MIL over in the morning and we go over to my family's house in the afternoon. It also works fine. |
Anonymous
| We need to know more about logistics. Do both have to travel to you. Do they have to stay with you. Are they local? If local have a joint "all together time" but maybe make it no more than 2 hrs. And then some separate time. |
Anonymous
| We did this every year growing up. Early morning was home with mom and dad, brunch with one grandma at her house, afternoon with other grandparents at their house, and dinner back home for everyone. It helped that everyone was within a mile of each other. We'd walk from one house to the other (oh, California in the winter!) |
Anonymous
Just don't have everyone stay under one roof and you'll be fine. Trust me on this one. |
Anonymous
| Can you do Christmas Eve with one and Christmas Day with the other? |
Anonymous
+1. And as another PP said, just don't have them all sleeping under your roof. Surely they can all deal with it for a Christmas Eve dinner and gift opening the next morning. They won't even have to struggle through chitchat about the weather, because the baby will be the main topic of conversation and admiration! Just have good Christmas movies lined up for everyone to watch if things get quiet or awkward. Maybe bust out the cards for a nice game of gin rummy. Etc. |
Anonymous
| Some years we do Christmas Eve day with one and Christmas Day with the others. But we also often flee the country for Christmas and don't spend it with either side. We don't let Christmas turn into some huge thing with tons of importance. The reality is it IS a religious holiday and we're NOT particularly religious, so we refuse to attach lots of weight to Christmas. |
Anonymous
| My SIL always has Christmas at her house. My BIL is an only child and my spouse is my SIL's only sibling. We and both sets of parents always went for Christmas. We got there in time to open presents and stayed into the late afternoon, after dinner. It always worked out well. But, it was always at her house. Thanksgiving was (and still is) also always at her house with everyone. |
Anonymous
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You know, your experience of your baby's first Christmas matters too.
Figure out a time to see each family on/around Christmas and consider reserving Christmas morning for yourselves. Remind them that you still have to follow the baby's nap schedule even if it is Christmas. |
Anonymous
big fan of "time to make your own family traditions" here. Our family tradition is holiday rotation - sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, if you lose we will see you on the 26th or 27th or whatever. NBD. This worked for us b/c both sides of the family are local and have already-established holiday traditions involving specific houses (not ours). Pre-kids, we used to have Christmas Eve in the rota also - post kids, we decided to reserve that evening just for our nuclear family. While I'm sure deep down, the grandparents would love to see the kids on every friggin holiday (only gkids on my parents' side) nobody has EVER said an unkind or pushy word about it... I think they know that if they get pushy, DH and I are likely to react with less time, not more 
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Anonymous
| I had a baby this year too OP. For this Xmas we are inviting both sides of the family to our house. My MIL is already not happy with that plan, but I feel that if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come. We can see them another day. She doesn't want to share anything with my parents. But what *I* want is to see everyone at once, and then have a little time where it's just me, my DH and our sweet baby. That wins. So it's her choice to skip Xmas, but I'm not going to bend to her pressure and just not see my family... |
Anonymous
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Yes, invite them all for the day, and see who actually comes. Our sets of parents have nothing in common either, and they wouldn't chose to be together, but they are very polite on the rare occasions when they do see each other. Now of course, this wouldn't work if the parents live far away and need to stay for a week! Then politeness goes out of the window. |