Pathetic SIL, my enlightenment...

[Anonymous]

I was just wrote out a long rant against my SIL to post here, And when I finished, I realized that she must be a deeply insecure, miserable, sad person to treat me the way she does. As happy as she would like us all to think she is, it takes a pretty miserable person to be able to concoct the piles BS she rains on me every time we interact. So instead of ranting against her, I actually started to feel really sorry for her and all the sad, misdirected energy she directs at me. I'm not the enemy lady. I'm putting up the Teflon shield, your problems have nada to do with me.

[Anonymous]

I feel similarly about my SIL. The way I look at it, is we can only control ourselves. We can't control other people, or their responses. You can be as kind as you want to someone. As charitable as you want to them. As supportive, encouraging, and inclusive as you can be. You still can't affect other people or change them. It's futile, and some people are just impermeable.

It's useless for me to get upset or frustrated by that wall - even if they think I'm the enemy. Sometimes nothing is sufficient. If I've gone a mile and you haven't even gone a centimeter, I'm hands off. Try no more. The problem isn't me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel similarly about my SIL. The way I look at it, is we can only control ourselves. We can't control other people, or their responses. You can be as kind as you want to someone. As charitable as you want to them. As supportive, encouraging, and inclusive as you can be. You still can't affect other people or change them. It's futile, and some people are just impermeable.

It's useless for me to get upset or frustrated by that wall - even if they think I'm the enemy. Sometimes nothing is sufficient. If I've gone a mile and you haven't even gone a centimeter, I'm hands off. Try no more. The problem isn't me.

+1

AMEN.

[Anonymous]

Amen. Can I get a witness! I'm walking away.

[Anonymous]

Count me in--I'm walking, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just wrote out a long rant against my SIL to post here, And when I finished, I realized that she must be a deeply insecure, miserable, sad person to treat me the way she does. As happy as she would like us all to think she is, it takes a pretty miserable person to be able to concoct the piles BS she rains on me every time we interact. So instead of ranting against her, I actually started to feel really sorry for her and all the sad, misdirected energy she directs at me. I'm not the enemy lady. I'm putting up the Teflon shield, your problems have nada to do with me.

+1

[Anonymous]

PS, respect to you, OP. Yours was an inspiring message.

[Anonymous]

I feel like that about my SIL. I really don't like her, she's self-centered and selfish and unkind in so many ways. But I've realized that she's a deeply insecure person who is threatened by others' happiness and success, and I think that must be such a miserable way to live. So while I don't like her any more than I did before, I am so much less angry and much more inclined to pity and ignore.

[Anonymous]

I had a realization that my SIL (who is 40) never matured past being a teenager. Once I figured this out, EVERYTHING she does makes sense. She's wildly insecure, obsessed with her looks, loves to project a perfect life, a mess with money, can't take care of her own daughter, etc etc etc. Why? Bc she is 16 inside and not 40.

[Anonymous]

Same with my step-mom. I once posted here and described how horrid she is, and people were shocked that I'm not more angry all the time.

Thing is, she's miserable. She's insecure, somewhat crazy and has zero friends. I don't need to want to see her punished -- she already is punished every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like that about my SIL. I really don't like her, she's self-centered and selfish and unkind in so many ways. But I've realized that she's a deeply insecure person who is threatened by others' happiness and success, and I think that must be such a miserable way to live. So while I don't like her any more than I did before, I am so much less angry and much more inclined to pity and ignore.

+ 1 on this

I've seen mine openly pout when other people get engaged, get married, start relationships or other normal life accomplishments. She simply cannot be happy for others while she feels so insecure about her stunted life developments. I can't stop rolling my eyes at her, but I am realizing that I should feel sorry for her rather than annoyed. I'm also realizing that it's a cycle: the more other people find happiness the angrier and more bitter she gets. The angrier and more bitter she is, the less likely she is to find happiness....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like that about my SIL. I really don't like her, she's self-centered and selfish and unkind in so many ways. But I've realized that she's a deeply insecure person who is threatened by others' happiness and success, and I think that must be such a miserable way to live. So while I don't like her any more than I did before, I am so much less angry and much more inclined to pity and ignore.

+ 1 on this

I've seen mine openly pout when other people get engaged, get married, start relationships or other normal life accomplishments. She simply cannot be happy for others while she feels so insecure about her stunted life developments. I can't stop rolling my eyes at her, but I am realizing that I should feel sorry for her rather than annoyed. I'm also realizing that it's a cycle: the more other people find happiness the angrier and more bitter she gets. The angrier and more bitter she is, the less likely she is to find happiness....

Yup, I feel sorry for her , too.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this point of view will get you so far in life OP. There are lots of irritating, difficult people out there - obviously part of the equation is personality, but a much larger part is usually massive insecurity. Where does this insecurity come from? Childhood trauma, a traumatic incident as an adult, mental illness, addiction issues, low self esteem, abuse, a bad relationship... the list goes on and on. Much better to just accept that these are damaged people and do what you can it ignore/help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like that about my SIL. I really don't like her, she's self-centered and selfish and unkind in so many ways. But I've realized that she's a deeply insecure person who is threatened by others' happiness and success, and I think that must be such a miserable way to live. So while I don't like her any more than I did before, I am so much less angry and much more inclined to pity and ignore.

+ 1 on this

I've seen mine openly pout when other people get engaged, get married, start relationships or other normal life accomplishments. She simply cannot be happy for others while she feels so insecure about her stunted life developments. I can't stop rolling my eyes at her, but I am realizing that I should feel sorry for her rather than annoyed. I'm also realizing that it's a cycle: the more other people find happiness the angrier and more bitter she gets. The angrier and more bitter she is, the less likely she is to find happiness....

I have a cousin like this. She is mid 30s but seems to be stuck in her teen years. I've actually heard her say she won't be happy for anyone's marriage/baby/etc while she is still single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like that about my SIL. I really don't like her, she's self-centered and selfish and unkind in so many ways. But I've realized that she's a deeply insecure person who is threatened by others' happiness and success, and I think that must be such a miserable way to live. So while I don't like her any more than I did before, I am so much less angry and much more inclined to pity and ignore.

+ 1 on this

I've seen mine openly pout when other people get engaged, get married, start relationships or other normal life accomplishments. She simply cannot be happy for others while she feels so insecure about her stunted life developments. I can't stop rolling my eyes at her, but I am realizing that I should feel sorry for her rather than annoyed. I'm also realizing that it's a cycle: the more other people find happiness the angrier and more bitter she gets. The angrier and more bitter she is, the less likely she is to find happiness....

I have a cousin like this. She is mid 30s but seems to be stuck in her teen years. I've actually heard her say she won't be happy for anyone's marriage/baby/etc while she is still single.

and in turn, no man will ever be interested in partnering with her while she is exuding that kind of attitude. karma!