Those who doesn't hate their MIL, any thoughts on this?

[Anonymous]

My MIL see us often, once a week. She is good with DD (2yo) and us. But I found it is bit strange recently.
When we were inside the house, she said to DD "where are your socks? You should put on your socks" then went to find her dirty socks in the bin to put on for her without saying or asking me for a new pair (it was 73F inside the house) . When we were outside, she said "Don't need to put on her jacket. It's warm" (but it was not very warm for a toddler with only T-Shirt, it was 60F) and wanted to take DD's jacket off but I didn't let her. Another time, DD didn't eat much dinner, she didn't want anymore food so we let her get off the table and play. The TV was on so DD sat and watched TV. MIL then took some cucumber slices and fed her while she is watching TV to get her to eat more. (The cucumber was also on DD's plate). MIL often feeds DD something if she thinks DD did not eat enough at dinner time. Is this normal behavior of MIL or parents? Do they often think kid doesn't eat enough? Well, I am ok with her putting on sock and feeding DD (after all, she just worried for DD) but it just felt strange when she said nothing to me and just does things on her own. (We are Asian whose has been here over 30 years if that matter)

[Anonymous]

My mother in law (Indian) ALWAYS thinks my kids (and her own grown kids for that matter) don't eat enough. Meanwhile she skips breakfast, has only 2 slices of toast for lunch and a small dinner..... She definitely will feed my boys even now that they are 8 and 6. It irked me at first but I've gotten use to it.

[Anonymous]

If my mom or MIL are hanging out with us, I don't expect them to check in with me before little interactions like that. I'd think it was weird if they just started feeding a full lunch or putting him down for a nap without checking if it was time for that, unless they already knew the schedule, but putting on socks I would not expect them to check in. I think temperature and food are two fairly common places to have a generation gap on what's appropriate. The feeding cucumbers thing is a little weird to me but I think it was more common when we were kids to push more food on kids. I think you could just say, "MIL, it's okay, she doesn't need anything else to eat right now", and same idea with the coat, "it seems a little chilly to me, let's go ahead and put her coat on".

[Anonymous]

My ILs do not second guess decisions that my husband and I make about our kids. If one of my kids were about to go outside in a t shirt and the grandparent knew that it's chilly outside whereas I did not know then s/he would probably suggest a sweater, etc. If I responded with "he'll be fine with the t-shirt" then that would be the end of it. If I told DC that he could leave the table and play my ILs would not dream of chasing him down to feed him. None of these issues have ever come up though; my relationship with my ILs is harmonious.

I think in some cultures and families the oldest generation expects to be the respected authority on family matters.

[Anonymous]

Haha! Love this post! Sounds just like my parents and ILs. If it's something like dc will be too cold if she takes the coat off, I'd stand my ground too. I just try to ignore all the other little stuff. I just assume it's their remnant instincts from when their kids were little. It's almost cute.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is totally like this, except instead of socks it's the bath. She is always trying to bathe DD to the point where DD started having massive screaming fits anytime MIL tried to put her in the tub. At that point MIL finally backed off. I used to tell her, no, Larla doesn't need a bath now and she would wait til I was busy doing something and then drag Larla upstairs and plunk her in the tub.

Same with food. Always shoving food in DD's mouth, even when DD says she's not hungry.

All my early efforts to intervene were ignored by MIL so I basically decided to let the two of them work it out. If DD gets upset, I'll step in but she's getting pretty good at telling MIL "no" on her own.

And only mentioning this because a couple of others mentioned they are Asian - MIL is Polish/Catholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs do not second guess decisions that my husband and I make about our kids. If one of my kids were about to go outside in a t shirt and the grandparent knew that it's chilly outside whereas I did not know then s/he would probably suggest a sweater, etc. If I responded with "he'll be fine with the t-shirt" then that would be the end of it. If I told DC that he could leave the table and play my ILs would not dream of chasing him down to feed him. None of these issues have ever come up though; my relationship with my ILs is harmonious.

I think in some cultures and families the oldest generation expects to be the respected authority on family matters.

OP, I think this is pretty typical of grandparents, and certainly not a cultural thing as PP suggests. My lily white from the boonies MIL is like this.

[Anonymous]

eh, every family seems to have its own range of normal. my mother tends to think I spoil/coddle too much and regularly ignores my requests not to meddle in discipline; my inlaws, big hippies that they are, actually TRY not to meddle but look horrified everytime DD has a temper tantrum and try to find ways around my requests not to reward her tantrums with a cookie or cuddle. in general, I try to let the little things go, even if they annoy me and lay down markers about things I care about.

in short, you have to find your own normal. The examples you give feel a little . . . intrusive to me, but aren't things I would make a fuss about. I think it is something of a negotiation in every family. If any of those really bother you, find a respectful way to lay your markers down "hey, I know you just want to make sure she had enough food, but please don't feed Larla in front of the television; we don't want to get her in the habit of snacking after dinner" and if MIL persists make it more of "sorry, no snacking after dinner" and take the cucumber away from DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs do not second guess decisions that my husband and I make about our kids. If one of my kids were about to go outside in a t shirt and the grandparent knew that it's chilly outside whereas I did not know then s/he would probably suggest a sweater, etc. If I responded with "he'll be fine with the t-shirt" then that would be the end of it. If I told DC that he could leave the table and play my ILs would not dream of chasing him down to feed him. None of these issues have ever come up though; my relationship with my ILs is harmonious.

I think in some cultures and families the oldest generation expects to be the respected authority on family matters.

OP, I think this is pretty typical of grandparents, and certainly not a cultural thing as PP suggests. My lily white from the boonies MIL is like this.

An eyeroll? Really? It is a cultural thing for some, and if you re-read the above you will see "some cultures and families."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother in law (Indian) ALWAYS thinks my kids (and her own grown kids for that matter) don't eat enough. Meanwhile she skips breakfast, has only 2 slices of toast for lunch and a small dinner..... She definitely will feed my boys even now that they are 8 and 6. It irked me at first but I've gotten use to it.

My mother does that and it drives me nuts. She clearly thinks our child is a starvation victim, even though she is fine (as verified by the doctor). We've had arguments about it because she spent my childhood doing that to me too and I hated it then and think it's ridiculous now. Meanwhile she herself barely eats anything.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is the queen of trying to put infant DD in some overly warm outfit. Usually looks like something people in Siberia put their kids in. DD ends up a sweaty mess. I finally just told her that DD runs really hot and she dropped it.

[Anonymous]

When I had kids I decided that every single relative in their lives is free to forge their own bond with my kids. Which meant that I did not interfere with how they interacted with my kids (except for the no smoking, drinking, cussing, excessive TV or excessive junk food rule). So, both sides muddled along and figured out how they wanted to interact with each other.

I also did not use my relatives for babysitting duties or as care providers, unless they wanted to spend time with my kids. I always took care of the kids myself. So, I bypassed the resentment that I find many grandparents have - when they are used as babysitters. My MIL and FIL have very different parenting style than me, however I figured that they have done a good job with DH so it can't be bad. But, at the end of the day I am the mom and my kids are my responsibility.

DH and I are from different cultures. So each set of grandparents actually try and feed the kids their food, listen to their music, celebrate their festivals. I am fine with it because my kids can say "no" to them when they don't like something.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this. I don't think it's a cultural thing, I think it's a grandparent thing. As long as it's not causing any real harm, I just let it go. As result, on the really big stuff, she respects our decision (even when she doesn't agree) because we're not fighting battles on every little thing. As they've gotten older, my kids have figured out that grandma has different rules than we do, and they just roll with it.

[Anonymous]

I only step in if my MIL is doing something that interferes with an actual parenting decision (or safety issue). Most of your examples wouldn't fall into that category and none would bother me enough to say anything. Even with the jacket example, a 2 yo is old enough to say when/if she's cold.

My MIL does plenty of things I find irritating or strange. But it's all coming from a good place since she truly loves my kids and wants what's best for them, so I ignore that stuff. Because I ignore so much of it, she knows that if I do insist on something, it's serious and there's no question about it.

[Anonymous]

I think my MIL and even my mother's generation grew up at a time where children were expected to clean their plates. They really push that, while DH and I do not.