The Grind of Life at Mid-Life

[Anonymous]

I find myself now, at 40+ looking around and feeling very chewed up and ground down by life. Some of the less friendly and more judgmental people on this board will say, go cry me a river lady. You’re married, you have kids you love, a good job, and can afford household help. So if you are one of those people, just stop reading now.

I have worked long hours all my life. Before we had kids, it was no big deal, because you could just make it up on weekends or sleep late the next day and come in a little later. Of course all that changes when you add kids to the mix. The chronic sleep deprivation is really starting to get to me. I just cannot make it on 5 hours of sleep a night, night after night, month after month.

If I try to take a day off to rest, the office calls with something that can’t I just please do? Vacations mean a chance to work from the rental beach house in flip flops while everyone else is down at the beach. Weekends, well, DH has a whole list of things HE needs to get done, so he tells me if I exercised more I wouldn’t need more sleep. If we both need to go to the office on the weekend, I am the one who ends up being responsible for taking the kids and therefore get nothing done.

I’ve started gaining weight, and now at a hefty 5’4” and 122 pounds, 10 pounds over what I weighed just a few months ago, none of the nice new clothes with which I rewarded myself for losing all my baby weight fit, so I am back to eating between 1,000 to 1,200 calories a day and hoping it goes away. I do try to work out, but it is usually when I get home after 9 or 10 pm, so I probably don’t do as much as I could.

I rarely see the kids, which is not my choice. I had one of those equal marriages that are supposed to be all the rage, then I got a promotion and so nobody wants to think about changes that might allow me to change jobs to have more of a life with my kids. My husband is pathologically afraid of change. He gets physically ill if I mention I even went to look at an open house (even if it is clear I would never buy it) because he can’t stand the thought of moving. So I remain stuck in a no-kids job with kids. Feeling stuck has not been good for our marriage. I frequently feel like if I knew then what I know now, I would have never married him, but divorce isn’t an option. It would just make everything worse.

That brings me to the kids themselves. I feel like I am always in a sleep deprived fog with them. The youngest is three. I find myself yelling a lot, and then feeling bad about that, so then I end up encouraging the very behavior I was trying to stop. Although it’s true that I am doing better than my mom (she yelled AND beat with a belt), this crazy psycho mom is not the person I want to be. Especially when each minute I have with them is so precious and rare. I really need every one of them to be as perfect as possible. They are gorgeous, and smart, and so full of promise. I can’t bear the thought that I might be screwing all that up.

I feel like the color is slowing draining out of the painting of my life. Occasionally I fell like, “Holy Sh*t! This really is my life! And it really is not ever going to be happy!” Sometimes I kind of wish somebody in another car would veer across the yellow line and end it so at least I could get some rest. But I can’t stand the thought of leaving my kids without a mother.

Does anybody else feel this way? If this the feeling you are supposed to get after your mid-life crisis?

[Anonymous]

I haven't felt like you do, but I know I'm in danger of feeling that way. So to prevent that, I've made more low-pressure choices in life. I'm an attorney, but work for government so I can have a 9-5 job, for example. Far less money -- but far less stress -- and far fewer hours.

While you might not be able to buy a different house right now, are there other areas in your life where you can down-size your responsibility? Take a lower-paying, lower-pressured job perhaps? Work part-time where you are? Just say no to vacation calls from work? It's OK to put up these boundaries. The world will not collapse, and you very well might be happier for it.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is a wake-up call. Time to sit down with DH and hash out how/why your life isn't working. Figure out what it is. I hate quoting Oprah, but only thing the woman ever said that stuck with me is that you can have it all, just not all at the same time. Sounds like you're trying to have it all: kids, marriage, challenging career, all at once. You don't have it all b/c you don't have sleep or, increasingly, sanity. So what really matters to you, and what can you give up so you can have some peace and sanity.

[Anonymous]

Your short term problem is you need more sleep.

Yes, you want to see your kids more, but sounds like right now, on the weekends, you aren't being a great mom with them anyhow.

So I suggest you look into getting a weekend nanny for the short term; so you can go to work if need be without them in tow and so you can go away and actually get some sleep and rest.

Then, try to get someone to watch the kids for a whole weekend, and try to get you and your husband away for some serious marriage counseling and parenting classes that you can take together to work on the home-family situation.

I recommend a weekend workshop such as this one:

http://www.connectingcouples.net/workshops.html

And a parenting class that happens all in one day such as this one, that you can both attend together: (one day five hours -- though I'm not sure she's running any more this year)

http://www.parentingplaygroups.com/positivediscipline.htm

[Anonymous]

Yes, you really need to sit down, with or without your husband, and maybe with a good therapist or life coach, and figure out what you really want/need, and how to organize you life so you get it. Sleep for one thing, can really affect your outlook. Time with your kids. Time for yourself. It sounds like you're very valuable to your employer and have a track record with them, and so you've become the "go to" person. That's great, but you can only do so much at one time. If you're so valuable, your job might be willing to have less of your time and still keep you. Or maybe you could switch to something less demanding. Anyway, you need to get some sleep and think this through. And your husband needs to grow a pair and work with you. Good luck; I've been there!

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I feel for you and I hope you find some relief soon. I don't even have any kids yet but still I'm exhausted so can only imagine how you feel. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

OP - That's what happens when you lawyers make the big money. The PP who works as a lawyer for the government. Don't talk - you're not making such a bad salary yourself, working at SEC.

[Anonymous]

Of course you feel beaten down! Working long hours, barely seeing the kids, not getting enough sleep, so stressed out when you see the kids you are too tired to enjoy it.

You need a change. Or at least need to think about a change. Drag your husabnd with you if necessary.

I found the whole "you can have it all" philosophy to fall apart about 3 months into the pregnancy. Once I had the kid, I knew it was a scam - or at least wouldn't work for me. Now we live with me working part-time. It's not easy - either financially or even emotionally at times. It's hard to watch co-workers get promoted knowing I can't without going back to full-time (and full-time with longer hours). But still worth it - to me and my family. I've seen too many top managers retire and morn the fact they didnt' have a family or didn't spend more time with their family.

Seriously, since your husband is so averse to change, you probably need to think this through yourself first, and figure out what you think will work. Can you live with less than you currently make? Can you make adjustments to lower what money you need to live off of less? Can you ego take a "less important" job? If so, plan it out, present it to your husband and and go to counseling if needed. And start looking. Given the current economy it will take awhile, but the hope may be enough to keep you going.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the supportive responses. I wonder if 13:25 also posts on the NY Urban Baby Board and accuses everyone of being an investment banker?

At any rate, the suggestion to get a life coach and to make a plan that I could then present to my husband is a good one. I have tried bringing this up in the past, and he has shot down every idea. Maybe if he is presented with an entire plan it would help.

We are in marriage counseling, but it has been focused on why we are unable to discuss these things and miscommunicate about, well, everything, so we never actually get to the question of can we make a change? I think you are right that making a plan on my own would at least let me figure out what I want. The answers to all of 13:36's questions are yes. I just have to convince my husband of that. Just like he doesn't want to change houses, he also doesn't want me to earn less (or even no) money. Mayb a concrete plan rather than just ideas would be harder for him to just shoot down.

[Anonymous]

I do have days when I wonder "What has happened to my life"; "Is this it?" "Why is life passing me by???"

I have a lot to be thankful for but still wonder why my life isn't better.

Although i don't have a lot of advice for you, some things that have helped me:

-Get more sleep. Easier said than done, i know, but go to bed early. I went to bed at 8:00pm for two nights in a row and it helped so much! Plus, my husband and I alternate saurdays and Sundays for sleeping in
-Exercise-I struggle woth this one, but I do feel so much better when I am done. I now force myself to do at least a 10 minute mini yoga workout while I watch the news at night. I basically sit on my living floor and stretch. Sometimes I get motivated enough to jump on the elliptical.
-Lots of water - I feel so weak when I am dehydrated. I force myself to dirnk at least 4 glasses a day.
-Do something new twice a month. Grab husband and kid and do something you never, or rarely do. We have gone on hikes, or visited friends we haven't seen in ages, or just hang out in a bookstore.
-Put things on paper. Muy husband and i have always talked about doing necessary renovations to our house. 5 years later, we have done nothing. As much as he balked, we wrote down all our projects down and rated them by importance. lo and behold, we have finally started something!
-your job sounds demanding. at the least, can you start looking for something else. No need to commit-the economy sucks so it will take awhile, bu if you feel like you are at least trying to make a change, then that could help you feel better about it. Also, I was going to suggest you take a day off, but it sounds like you are still on call. If you don't think it will be a risk to your job, next time you take a day off, make sure you let everyone know that you will not be checking emails or voicemails. Delegate communications to someone else in the office, if you are able. Take baby steps to not let your job rule your life.
-A glass of wine in the evening. Helps me relax and sleep better.

Now, for your husband, I frequently feel the same as you do, but I see him in a more positive light when I am in a better mood. I also want to avoid divorce because i think it would be more detrimental to the kids than staying together. We don't hate each other, but I don't think we are made for each other. I am willing to make the best of it.

These are just a few tips that I hope will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - That's what happens when you lawyers make the big money. The PP who works as a lawyer for the government. Don't talk - you're not making such a bad salary yourself, working at SEC.

How do you know she works at the SEC??????

[Anonymous]

Honestly? Your husband sounds like a selfish douche bag.

[Anonymous]

Life coach. Parenting classes. Marriage counseling. I'm so sick of hearing about these "resources". OP sounds pretty self-aware and intelligent. Marriage counselors often say little more than "be nice to each other." They say it in different ways and make it sound all high-fallutin and charge you much more than they are worth and chew up your time. So, I'll spare you all of that: Be nice to each other. Support each other. Think about the ways in which you show support. Take care of each other. And all that.

OP does not need parenting classes. No, yelling at your kids is not a award-winning thing, but it doesn't justify parental counseling either. I mean, if you're not going to hit the kids, and have limits as to how you can or will punish them, screaming is all that you have left sometimes. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't scream at my children. I would love to be all Zen about it, and some days are better than others, but there's really nothing so gruesome about some yelling. Lots of Jewish families yell and scream at each other and then just sit down to lunch. Culture is a factor here.

I have to say, OP, that your husband sounds like a piece of work. Where does he get the idea that if you exercised more you would need less sleep?? I am a big exerciser and a big sleeper and I've never heard that. People are different when it comes to sleep. Some people are fine on 5-6 hours. I know of one famous law partner who only needs 3. Whatever. My husband needs about 6.5. I need 9. If I don't get 9, after a few days I will become a psychotic bitch. My sister has the exact same problem, so it may be genetic. The sleep you need is the sleep you need and we've just finished the circle. At 5'4" 122 pounds you sound gorgeous, but everyone has their own goals. Part of the reason while you may have put on 10 pounds is because you are not sleeping enough. You can tell your husband that (while you're being nice and not yelling and taking care of each other), and I'll give him plenty of literature to support this if he doubts you.

And you know, you know, you know. I'm in an egalitarian marriage myself. Joint decisions. Don't do something my husband is dead set against. Blah blah blah blah. Rainbows. Sometimes -- usually -- I accommodate him. But there just comes a point sometimes where a woman just has to start making executive decisions because she knows she's right. A small example: My husband and I both agree that we would like our daughter's hair to be long. We both know that cutting hair does not make it longer. I. however, talked about getting her a haircut for a looooooong time. And he would go on and on about how he doesn't want his daughter having short hair or haircuts. Meanwhile my daughter had a rat's tail growning down her back amongst other problems. I finally decided that this was an embarrassment. I'm a woman and I know more about girls' hair than he does. My beautiful daughter was looking like shit and I just decided I wasn't going to have it. So I put her in a stroller and walked to my salon in Georgetown and for $25, she got a fabulous haircut. She looks like a little Meg Ryan. When we came home, my husband was shocked by how much better she looked, and admitted that I was right. Which I was.

OP makes more money than her nusband and husband "won't let" her find a lower paying job. My my my. Let me play marriage counselor again: he's supposed to be nice to you and take care of you and support you. He's not. It sounds like it's time to take your job for a haircut. Seriously. What's he going to do? Take away your birthday? Beat you? Divorce you? No. He'll be pissed off for awhile, during which time you can explain to him how literally sick this job is making you. If he's a nice and supportive dude, he'll get it and accept it. If not, he's a turd and that's another whole can of worms.

In terms of exercise in a time crunch: The 30-Day Shred only takes 20 minutes. And it does work. Yes, I do miss the days when I planned my courses in law school around my favorite step classes, sat in the steam room, and then went out for dinner with my gym buddy. What a nice walk down nostalgia lane. Those days are gone. Bub-bye. Hello, 30-Day Shred!! Nice to meetcha.

And yes, I have had the feeling and thoughts that you have, only mine do not usually involve getting hit by a car. I think about getting sick and having to be hospitalized so I can rest and stop hearing my kids asking me the same questions over and over and over and over and over again. "Is it mine?" "Can I have it?" "You give it to me?" "i can hold it?" "Is it mine?" And you know what, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Go get a 24-hour virus. I mean, you're throwing up and you have chills and diarhea and just can't get out of bed. Take a couple of Vicodin if you've got it around -- it will make you relaxed enough to carry out your plan. And you know what: that law firm will survive a day without you. Watch and see. As for the kids, you're just so sick that maybe hubby needs to stay home and take care of them. You're so sorry. You hope you don't give this to anyone else. Oh my god you're gonna vomit again, gotta run!! And you know what: your kids and your husband will survive without you for a day. Watch and see.

[Anonymous]

wow, what a post.

[Anonymous]

what's wrong with it?