The Grind of Life at Mid-Life

[Anonymous]

16:49, it's the OP here. I nominate you for post of the year! I may ultimately decide to do a few things differently from the way you suggest them, but thank you. A million times.

[Anonymous]

A few things worry me here:

1- your husband says you will need less sleep if you exercise more -- a PP addressed this, which is just plain wrong, and sounds borderline abusive to me

2- your husband is pathologically averse to change. What is that about? Did he come from a home where the family moved every six months because of money troubles? What? That's HIS issue, not yours, except that it affects you. I would not accommodate this unless he seeks counseling to figure out what this is about. Getting physically ill when you talk about going to an open house is evidence of some DEEP problem.

3- hoping to get run over so you don't have to endure this life. This the most serious problem, and a sign your thinking is really distorted. That you are sleep-deprived is obvious, but you don't seem to be able to see any changes you can make in your life to ease the stress you are feeling. And your daydreams involve someone else making the decision for you -- ie THEY run over you.

You need to make some choices, and as a PP noted, they need not be huge changes. Don't pick up the phone on the weekends; make DH watch the children while you disappear to a spa for a few hours, make your own life plan -- write it down and show it to DH, for starters.

As I've gotten older, I've been trying to streamline my life -- literally getting rid of stuff, to make it easier to pay attention to the things I truly care about. Recently I sold a pair of antique chests my mother LOVED. It ripped my heart out to sell them, but I felt huge relief after they were gone. Two huge pieces of furniture out of my life!

Jettisoning stuff may not be what you need OP, but letting go of some responsibilities, and yes, figuring out how to live on less money, can really free you to enjoy your life, and your children while they are still young.

[Anonymous]

I liked that post! I agree with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:49, it's the OP here. I nominate you for post of the year! I may ultimately decide to do a few things differently from the way you suggest them, but thank you. A million times.

You are most welcome. If you know anything about Tri-Luma and could answer my question on the beauty board, I'll give you a million thanks right back. My question is of great importance. It looks so lonely. Like no cares about it.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, but you really need to start setting some boundaries both at home and at work. For example, if they are calling you from work while you are on vacation, that is a problem. Sure, once in a while there is an emergency, but if it happens regularly then you are just a sap. You are letting your husband and you job take advantage of that fact that you are not willing to say no, and that is coming at a huge expense to your well being. It isn't ok and it isn't normal.

[Anonymous]

ROFLMAO -- PP is soooo naive. This is standard snotty law firm procedure. Some lawyers have actually been talking to their partners on cell phones while giving birth. You know nothing about the OP, or what's normal, or what's "right". Law firms pay hefty salaries and act as if they own you. Some of the shit that goes down is amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you, but you really need to start setting some boundaries both at home and at work. For example, if they are calling you from work while you are on vacation, that is a problem. Sure, once in a while there is an emergency, but if it happens regularly then you are just a sap. You are letting your husband and you job take advantage of that fact that you are not willing to say no, and that is coming at a huge expense to your well being. It isn't ok and it isn't normal.

OP here. On the work front, that is not about being a sap. It's what's expected. Blackberries and e-mail have done a tremendous disservice to some people and professions, although it was phone calls before that. Phone calls at 5 a.m. or midnight do happen. I am expected to be reachable 24/7/365.

[Anonymous]

You have a lot of great advice above, OP. Good luck. You might want to get over that perfection thing for you and your children, at least for a while.

[Anonymous]

Not ALL marriage counseling sucks. IMO there's good counseling, and bad counseling. Good counseling is really worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP does not need parenting classes. No, yelling at your kids is not a award-winning thing, but it doesn't justify parental counseling either. I mean, if you're not going to hit the kids, and have limits as to how you can or will punish them, screaming is all that you have left sometimes. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't scream at my children. I would love to be all Zen about it, and some days are better than others, but there's really nothing so gruesome about some yelling. Lots of Jewish families yell and scream at each other and then just sit down to lunch. Culture is a factor here.

I'm the poster who suggested a great parenting class. Hey, don't take the class, that's fine with me, it was just a suggestion.

But if your argument is, "I don't need a parenting class, I just scream at my kids because I don't know what else to do" -- hmmmm.... maybe a parenting class -- a GOOD one, I mean -- might not be a bad idea for you? The class helps you come up with ideas besides screaming. (There are some out there.)

Even if you are Jewish, which for the record, is the religion/culture of a lot of my friends, and they don't scream at their kids. (Argue loudly, yes... but not scream....Jes' sayin....)

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your troubles lady. But weight shouldn't be one them. A hefty 122? At 5'4"? jeez. I think i'll go slit my wrists (after I do the dishes, finish up homework and prepare for my kid's scout meeting, that is.)

[Anonymous]

And don't forget about the Valentines...

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - you sound like you are having a really tough time, and from your post it sounds like you might have good reason for that. I am going to second the poster with the long and terrific post. Get sick - really sick. Maybe take a weekend trip to visit a friend and get some really awful something? Do you have a friend that you can trust not to be too judgemental who will cover for you? Also, you might just pop into the doctor's to have a blood test run - with as hard as you are pushing yourself, you might have some hormone levels out of whack. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life coach. Parenting classes. Marriage counseling. I'm so sick of hearing about these "resources". OP sounds pretty self-aware and intelligent. Marriage counselors often say little more than "be nice to each other." They say it in different ways and make it sound all high-fallutin and charge you much more than they are worth and chew up your time. So, I'll spare you all of that: Be nice to each other. Support each other. Think about the ways in which you show support. Take care of each other. And all that.

OP does not need parenting classes. No, yelling at your kids is not a award-winning thing, but it doesn't justify parental counseling either. I mean, if you're not going to hit the kids, and have limits as to how you can or will punish them, screaming is all that you have left sometimes. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't scream at my children. I would love to be all Zen about it, and some days are better than others, but there's really nothing so gruesome about some yelling. Lots of Jewish families yell and scream at each other and then just sit down to lunch. Culture is a factor here.

I have to say, OP, that your husband sounds like a piece of work. Where does he get the idea that if you exercised more you would need less sleep?? I am a big exerciser and a big sleeper and I've never heard that. People are different when it comes to sleep. Some people are fine on 5-6 hours. I know of one famous law partner who only needs 3. Whatever. My husband needs about 6.5. I need 9. If I don't get 9, after a few days I will become a psychotic bitch. My sister has the exact same problem, so it may be genetic. The sleep you need is the sleep you need and we've just finished the circle. At 5'4" 122 pounds you sound gorgeous, but everyone has their own goals. Part of the reason while you may have put on 10 pounds is because you are not sleeping enough. You can tell your husband that (while you're being nice and not yelling and taking care of each other), and I'll give him plenty of literature to support this if he doubts you.

And you know, you know, you know. I'm in an egalitarian marriage myself. Joint decisions. Don't do something my husband is dead set against. Blah blah blah blah. Rainbows. Sometimes -- usually -- I accommodate him. But there just comes a point sometimes where a woman just has to start making executive decisions because she knows she's right. A small example: My husband and I both agree that we would like our daughter's hair to be long. We both know that cutting hair does not make it longer. I. however, talked about getting her a haircut for a looooooong time. And he would go on and on about how he doesn't want his daughter having short hair or haircuts. Meanwhile my daughter had a rat's tail growning down her back amongst other problems. I finally decided that this was an embarrassment. I'm a woman and I know more about girls' hair than he does. My beautiful daughter was looking like shit and I just decided I wasn't going to have it. So I put her in a stroller and walked to my salon in Georgetown and for $25, she got a fabulous haircut. She looks like a little Meg Ryan. When we came home, my husband was shocked by how much better she looked, and admitted that I was right. Which I was.

OP makes more money than her nusband and husband "won't let" her find a lower paying job. My my my. Let me play marriage counselor again: he's supposed to be nice to you and take care of you and support you. He's not. It sounds like it's time to take your job for a haircut. Seriously. What's he going to do? Take away your birthday? Beat you? Divorce you? No. He'll be pissed off for awhile, during which time you can explain to him how literally sick this job is making you. If he's a nice and supportive dude, he'll get it and accept it. If not, he's a turd and that's another whole can of worms.

In terms of exercise in a time crunch: The 30-Day Shred only takes 20 minutes. And it does work. Yes, I do miss the days when I planned my courses in law school around my favorite step classes, sat in the steam room, and then went out for dinner with my gym buddy. What a nice walk down nostalgia lane. Those days are gone. Bub-bye. Hello, 30-Day Shred!! Nice to meetcha.

And yes, I have had the feeling and thoughts that you have, only mine do not usually involve getting hit by a car. I think about getting sick and having to be hospitalized so I can rest and stop hearing my kids asking me the same questions over and over and over and over and over again. "Is it mine?" "Can I have it?" "You give it to me?" "i can hold it?" "Is it mine?" And you know what, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Go get a 24-hour virus. I mean, you're throwing up and you have chills and diarhea and just can't get out of bed. Take a couple of Vicodin if you've got it around -- it will make you relaxed enough to carry out your plan. And you know what: that law firm will survive a day without you. Watch and see. As for the kids, you're just so sick that maybe hubby needs to stay home and take care of them. You're so sorry. You hope you don't give this to anyone else. Oh my god you're gonna vomit again, gotta run!! And you know what: your kids and your husband will survive without you for a day. Watch and see.

There is a good bit of wisdom in this post. I appreciated the candor, and feel that the OP is wise enough to determine if this advice makes sense, and what might be useful. As an outside observer, I found this PP's thoughts enligthening. And I appreciate the time she took to write them down. We are all struggling. Let's go easy on each other and not get snarky when people vent, help, or share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life coach. Parenting classes. Marriage counseling. I'm so sick of hearing about these "resources". OP sounds pretty self-aware and intelligent. Marriage counselors often say little more than "be nice to each other." They say it in different ways and make it sound all high-fallutin and charge you much more than they are worth and chew up your time. So, I'll spare you all of that: Be nice to each other. Support each other. Think about the ways in which you show support. Take care of each other. And all that.

OP does not need parenting classes. No, yelling at your kids is not a award-winning thing, but it doesn't justify parental counseling either. I mean, if you're not going to hit the kids, and have limits as to how you can or will punish them, screaming is all that you have left sometimes. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't scream at my children. I would love to be all Zen about it, and some days are better than others, but there's really nothing so gruesome about some yelling. Lots of Jewish families yell and scream at each other and then just sit down to lunch. Culture is a factor here.

I have to say, OP, that your husband sounds like a piece of work. Where does he get the idea that if you exercised more you would need less sleep?? I am a big exerciser and a big sleeper and I've never heard that. People are different when it comes to sleep. Some people are fine on 5-6 hours. I know of one famous law partner who only needs 3. Whatever. My husband needs about 6.5. I need 9. If I don't get 9, after a few days I will become a psychotic bitch. My sister has the exact same problem, so it may be genetic. The sleep you need is the sleep you need and we've just finished the circle. At 5'4" 122 pounds you sound gorgeous, but everyone has their own goals. Part of the reason while you may have put on 10 pounds is because you are not sleeping enough. You can tell your husband that (while you're being nice and not yelling and taking care of each other), and I'll give him plenty of literature to support this if he doubts you.

And you know, you know, you know. I'm in an egalitarian marriage myself. Joint decisions. Don't do something my husband is dead set against. Blah blah blah blah. Rainbows. Sometimes -- usually -- I accommodate him. But there just comes a point sometimes where a woman just has to start making executive decisions because she knows she's right. A small example: My husband and I both agree that we would like our daughter's hair to be long. We both know that cutting hair does not make it longer. I. however, talked about getting her a haircut for a looooooong time. And he would go on and on about how he doesn't want his daughter having short hair or haircuts. Meanwhile my daughter had a rat's tail growning down her back amongst other problems. I finally decided that this was an embarrassment. I'm a woman and I know more about girls' hair than he does. My beautiful daughter was looking like shit and I just decided I wasn't going to have it. So I put her in a stroller and walked to my salon in Georgetown and for $25, she got a fabulous haircut. She looks like a little Meg Ryan. When we came home, my husband was shocked by how much better she looked, and admitted that I was right. Which I was.

OP makes more money than her nusband and husband "won't let" her find a lower paying job. My my my. Let me play marriage counselor again: he's supposed to be nice to you and take care of you and support you. He's not. It sounds like it's time to take your job for a haircut. Seriously. What's he going to do? Take away your birthday? Beat you? Divorce you? No. He'll be pissed off for awhile, during which time you can explain to him how literally sick this job is making you. If he's a nice and supportive dude, he'll get it and accept it. If not, he's a turd and that's another whole can of worms.

In terms of exercise in a time crunch: The 30-Day Shred only takes 20 minutes. And it does work. Yes, I do miss the days when I planned my courses in law school around my favorite step classes, sat in the steam room, and then went out for dinner with my gym buddy. What a nice walk down nostalgia lane. Those days are gone. Bub-bye. Hello, 30-Day Shred!! Nice to meetcha.

And yes, I have had the feeling and thoughts that you have, only mine do not usually involve getting hit by a car. I think about getting sick and having to be hospitalized so I can rest and stop hearing my kids asking me the same questions over and over and over and over and over again. "Is it mine?" "Can I have it?" "You give it to me?" "i can hold it?" "Is it mine?" And you know what, sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Go get a 24-hour virus. I mean, you're throwing up and you have chills and diarhea and just can't get out of bed. Take a couple of Vicodin if you've got it around -- it will make you relaxed enough to carry out your plan. And you know what: that law firm will survive a day without you. Watch and see. As for the kids, you're just so sick that maybe hubby needs to stay home and take care of them. You're so sorry. You hope you don't give this to anyone else. Oh my god you're gonna vomit again, gotta run!! And you know what: your kids and your husband will survive without you for a day. Watch and see.

I [heart] you! Will you be my valentine??