Scrutinized by inlaws

[Anonymous]

I love my inlaws but feel that I have to do everything according to what will please them, or else I'll be scrutinized. They are a close family and I get along well with them, but I fear if I rock the boat, go against them in anything I will be disliked. I feel like they are running my life and don't even know it. Help! Am I alone in this?

[Anonymous]

You don't "owe" them anything other than respect and decent, honest behavior. Respect their opinions, show you care, etc. But don't be afraid to disagree or try new things. Just be direct and honest rather than defensive or passive aggressive. They may be shocked and doubtful, but if they're decent people, they'll get over it, and respect you for your approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't "owe" them anything other than respect and decent, honest behavior. Respect their opinions, show you care, etc. But don't be afraid to disagree or try new things. Just be direct and honest rather than defensive or passive aggressive. They may be shocked and doubtful, but if they're decent people, they'll get over it, and respect you for your approach.

And you'll gain more respect in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way as you. I fight all of the time to keep them from running my life.

[Anonymous]

That would be my parents. That's why I live across the pond from them. I wonder sometimes if they realize how intrusive and offensive they can be.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I feel for you. This is my DH's family. They are extremely insular and cold. It's their way, or else meet their wrath.

I am grateful I learned this early (with wedding plans that DH and I paid for - and other extremely unusual circumstances surrounding our big day). They will say they are supportive, but act like it is their way or else. I have since seen this behavior during funerals, births and our extremely limited vacation time. So, they are "choosy" about whom they are nice and accepting to - let's just say it is not who matters.

They would rather kiss butt to extremely distant relatives, and try to put on a good face, than actually show support to those who are closer in blood and geography. It makes no sense.

They barely know the youngest grandchildren. Now the grandchildren are old enough to realize, inevitably.

OP, there is only so much you can do for people like that. You can stand on your head and spit nickels. But really, what does that get you?

[Anonymous]

PP here. I meant to add, we are very different families. I think the IL's resent what they "think" (judge) me to be "from". It is polar opposite their background. Instead of accepting, and being open to differences (IRL, not just saying so) - they see it as a personal affront of some sort. So, there was really no winning - or doing right, for that matter.

In fact, MIL literally jumps for BIL/SIL's. I have seen it. It is actually scary. No other brothers of DH are married, unfortunately. DH has done a lot to help his family, especially his sister; and DH doesn't even register on her radar.

OTOH, I will be under their filthy microscope for as long as I let them put me there. So I don't.

You may be in a similar situation. I empathize.

[Anonymous]

17:13 here. Also don't assume that their behavior is meant to be hurtful or oppressive. Sometimes, depending on cultural background or whatever, people feel like they need to be involved in everything to show they care, and not being able to do that creates more anxiety and then more interference. Be patient. Hopefully you'll work through it.

[Anonymous]

OP as a MIL I notice that my DIL is likely to take casual comments I make very seriously, and transform them into presumed directions or criticisms. I'm not saying this is your situation, but you might consider the possibility. You do say "they're running my life and don't even know it."

Good luck to you in working this out. It's a hard relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my inlaws but feel that I have to do everything according to what will please them, or else I'll be scrutinized. They are a close family and I get along well with them, but I fear if I rock the boat, go against them in anything I will be disliked. I feel like they are running my life and don't even know it. Help! Am I alone in this?

It seems to me that this is your problem and your are projecting your fears and insecurities on other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP as a MIL I notice that my DIL is likely to take casual comments I make very seriously, and transform them into presumed directions or criticisms. I'm not saying this is your situation, but you might consider the possibility. You do say "they're running my life and don't even know it."

Good luck to you in working this out. It's a hard relationship.

I've seen this too.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the new one in the family. They should be welcoming and open to you. Besides, there are many more of them than you! And MIL IS older than you, supposedly wiser, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP as a MIL I notice that my DIL is likely to take casual comments I make very seriously, and transform them into presumed directions or criticisms. I'm not saying this is your situation, but you might consider the possibility. You do say "they're running my life and don't even know it."

Good luck to you in working this out. It's a hard relationship.

Gah, I totally do this with my MIL. It took me a while to realize that I was doing it and I still haven't totally managed to stop. The relationship is so fraught with cultural stereotypes that it is hard to avoid expecting criticism or interference, even where none are intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP as a MIL I notice that my DIL is likely to take casual comments I make very seriously, and transform them into presumed directions or criticisms. I'm not saying this is your situation, but you might consider the possibility. You do say "they're running my life and don't even know it."

Good luck to you in working this out. It's a hard relationship.

Gah, I totally do this with my MIL. It took me a while to realize that I was doing it and I still haven't totally managed to stop. The relationship is so fraught with cultural stereotypes that it is hard to avoid expecting criticism or interference, even where none are intended.

This is not clear. "Cultural stereotypes"? By whom? How?

[Anonymous]

Op here, thanks for all the feedback. Without actually quoting, I believe the person that mentioned the casual comments is right. Some of this is just probably me being ultra sensitive to every comment they make. Perhaps they don't expect that I will do everything they mention. This is especially for MIL. I also noticed that I'm much more apt to hearing all my own mother's suggestions but not being as open to wanting advice from MIL. Although i often take her advice begrudgingly. Some of this is also cultural. My inlaws are not American, so there are many many differences and I feel I bend often for them. I think I need balance. I loved hearing from the MIL perspective on here. I would love a " I'm a MIL ask me anything" post.