How to not be irritated by micromanaging in-law?

[Anonymous]

I need some tips for how to not be irritated by a micromanaging in-law. DH is in his 40s. He is a partner at his company, has advanced degrees, and generally is a fairly competent individual. However, when my FIL is here, FIL micromanages and whips himself up into all kinds of worry about things that (a) are not his business and (b) are not a problem. He nags DH every morning about whether DH has taken his longstanding prescription medicine (what does FIL think happens when he is not here to nag about it??); on days when DH bikes to work, he calls DH to see if DH has made it to the office; if he sees a wallet lying around, he wants to know whose it is and says he has been riddled with anxiety thinking DH has left his wallet behind (when DH is upstairs getting ready for work). The wallet example was doubly annoying because the instant I came in the door after dropping DS at school, FIL asks from the other room --while I still have my earbuds in--"Is this yours?" and points at something I cannot see.
He tells DS to bring his school backpack up to his room (not his job to deal with the backpack, and the backpack does not go up to the bedroom); he tells DS that it's time for a bath before bed (DS does not get a bath every single night and, again, getting DS ready for bed is not FIL's job). These are just a few of many, many possible examples.

FIL is really very nice, but the nagging and micromanaging are annoying. I try to just keep out of it, since he generally doesn't direct it at me, but it's still irritating. I feel petty being irritated by it, but over time the annoyance accumulates and over the years my tolerance for it has diminished. Can anyone relate? Anyone have any tips for not letting it bother me?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety to me--I mean, micromanaging is one thing, an irritation, but if he's calling to make sure his son got to work OK on his bike, that sounds like he is anxious. Same with the medication.

[Anonymous]

Does he live with you? If so why?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, sounds like a mental health issue to me.

[Anonymous]

WOW this scarily sounds like my mother in law. Seriously, scary.

When she comes to town it's as if she makes up for months of not being able to nag and micromanage and gets it all out of her system in a weekend.

To top it off, when she isn't in town, she gets her children to carry out her micromanaging/worrying. Example: She called and told my husband to buy hand pocket warmers, drive over to his brother's apartment and give them to him. Because she is worried about him being cold. He is 30 years old.

WHAT THE F.

[Anonymous]

OK I had the same thing. It only took me speaking up once for it to stop. Don't get me wrong it wasn't pretty because I had let the frustration build up for to long however I had asked DH multiple times to address it and he did not so...I finally did. It worked! Have to set those boundaries or inlaws will set their own!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is trying to feel useful. Does he love with you? Give him some projects to do. Give him less opportunities to sit around observing what you're doing. He's not mentally ill. He is old and worrying he's lost his relevance and usefulness to society so trying to be useful.

[Anonymous]

Is he from a different country/culture?

[Anonymous]

This is my MIL, exactly, but sub the Rx for combing hair - asks my husband all day whether his hair is combed, comments that it should be combed differently, who will take him seriously if it's not combed correctly? Also tried to enforce all kinds of rules for the kids that aren't actually our rules in the house.

While it's interesting that so many people say it sounds like a mental health issue, I think it's just misguided attempts to be helpful and to fill the role of adult in the household (which in the home country is what she would be expected to do - any adult is free to bark orders at any kid) so I think the solution is to give your FIL assigned roles. You couch it as requesting help. What to ask of him depends on what he's good at and what he likes to do, but clearly he needs something useful to occupy himself while visiting you - so whether that's packing the kids' lunches, feeding them breakfast, folding laundry, changing light bulbs, or repainting the bathroom, doesn't matter really but just put the man to work. He'll get what he really wants - to help, not to micromanage - and you'll get him out of your hair.

[Anonymous]

What I noticed in my family is that when people get old, they get anxious and start doing all of these annoying things. The first time I noticed it was with an aunt and I was really disturbed by it. But, I watched my other relatives and my mom do the same. All I can say is that as annoying as it is to be around, it's not nearly as bad as having to live with that level of anxiousness.

[Anonymous]

If he is not directing it at you, it isn't your concern now is it? If it bothers DH let him address it. If it doesn't bother him then let it alone. It sounds like you are trying to micromanage both your fil and your dh in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he wants to feel needed, relevant, and important to DH. Be understanding. Your DH can reassure him in subtle ways and hopefully he'll get better.

[Anonymous]

Whose company is it? Is it time for DH to go out on his own?