My 12 yo has become insufferable!

[Anonymous]

Our 12 year old daughter, who is an excellent student and has always been nice, has turned into a monster over the past 6-8 months. She wakes up (literally) bucking for a fight and carries it through to bedtime. She is constantly snippy and combative with both of us, and she maintains a level of aggression toward her younger sister and brother that could easily turn into hate on their part if she's not careful. She is constantly raising her voice and is not above causing a mild scene in public. My friends with similar aged kids attribute it to hormonal changes at this age. Maybe, but this is becoming intolerable. Her behavior is completely disrupting our home life. Have others had the same experience?

[Anonymous]

yes, just calm down OP. She might need some alone time with you. She is probably stressed about new social alliances at school as well as an increased work load. Is she going public or private?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Private.

[Anonymous]

I get that tweens and teens are going through some changes, and hormones are making them wacky, but I don't think a parent (or the general public) should have to tolerate complete disrespect from a child. There should be a limit.

My kids are not quite at that age yet, but my sister went through this with her DD#1. I saw some of it, and it does scare me.

She told me that it helps if you as the parent try to stay calm and not yell back. Easier said than done, I know.

[Anonymous]

I thought it would be private OP. It is very stressful at that age to do so much work. Is it all girls as well?

[Anonymous]

No, coed.

[Anonymous]

my 11 year old son has become like this too. When we get into it with him he breaks down and cries..five minutes later he is back at it. The way he speaks to his younger brothers is horrendous. He started middle school in Sept and it has been a steady decline ever since. patience, patience...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my 11 year old son has become like this too. When we get into it with him he breaks down and cries..five minutes later he is back at it. The way he speaks to his younger brothers is horrendous. He started middle school in Sept and it has been a steady decline ever since. patience, patience...

OP here. I'm really hoping this is mostly hormonal (for both our kids). At least you know it will pass. But it's finding the right tactics to manage the situation in the meantime....

[Anonymous]

You know what I've found to be a good tactic for not getting sucked into arguments?

Kid says something. I say "Ohhhh...." and then look off into the distance and appear to wander off as if the point where the wall meets the ceiling has suddenly fascinated me.

[Anonymous]

So- do you guys have some sympathy for middle school teachers like me? Multiply your experience by 20 and then again by 5. Attitude ALL DAY long.

[Anonymous]

Actually middle school teacher, I don't know what would be worse, the attitude or the pervasive smell of axe body spray. Mad respect.

[Anonymous]

You are right, PP! Axe is also one of the joys.

[Anonymous]

If you want some books for the journey there is Brainstorm (says changes are more brain change than hormones) and Getting to Calm. A friend whose sweet daughter went through this phase said it's gotten better. My friend, who is a therapist herself, checked in with her own therapist for tips on handling the ugliness, disrespect, and painful distance.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few years ago I attended a lecture from a pediatrician who specialized in tweens. Here are my notes from the relevant part of her lecture:

"When you say NO, say it and then wait."

Let them leave the table and have the mood swing...then follow up with the explanation. They need the time to process the mood, but they also need the rationale for the "no."

Tweens, unlike teens, actually want to learn from you and absorb what you have to offer. ("Now is the time to influence them")

Also, SHOWING works wonders, for example, the speaker is anti-Gatorade and Vitamin water, so she took the kids on the soccer team, got out the vitamin water and they all read the label. Then they got an empty bottle and they filled it with all the sugar and artificial food coloring so the kids could see how bad for them it was. Then she took out a bottle of Coke and they compared labels and found that they were practically the same! The kids stopped drinking the vitamin water.

[Anonymous]

They are hungrier b/c they are going through a mega growth spurt. Double the amount of food you feed them. They also need more sleep. Cut back on activities. Let them have more down time.