How do I deal with family drama when it's not my problem?

[Anonymous]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I have a 24 year old sister that has a 5 year old kid. Both live at home with her parents (her dad is my stepfather). Once I graduated high school ten years ago, I moved away for college and only lived at home when I was unemployed after graduation. Since then I've lived with relatives in different states while working and I moved out on my own this year. Anyway, my sister (along with parents) have a lot of issues. Which is one of the reasons I no longer live near them. My parents probably make combined 60-80k or even more salary. But they live outside of their means and have caused a financial strain on themselves. They have on several occasions requested that my sister pay for things on her credit card. She in turn as a lot of debt bc of it. Which she complains to me about. Also my sister didn't go to college because my niece was born less than a year after her hs graduation and my parents never forced her to go. I have to constantly hear how much she regrets it. Recently I received a call from a relative saying that my sister stole $1000 from my cousin who recently moved with my parents to get on his feet. She denied the whole thing, but the police have her on camera withdrawing the funds. I'm so sick of hearing about all of the drama that goes on! Of course I'm concerned about my niece. I want the best for her, but I just can't deal with it anymore.

[Anonymous]

I didn't know the police really investigated those kinds of crimes. How was she able to withdraw the money? She had your cousin's pin?

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on your achievements - you've made yourself an independent, functioning adult despite your origins. Alas, the hardest part comes now: You must learn about how to maintain boundaries that keep your family's troubles from encroaching on your life. Details are beyond the scope of this post, but I will say keep the phone calls short, don't get involved in matters that don't involve you directly, and, most of all, don't feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't know the police really investigated those kinds of crimes. How was she able to withdraw the money? She had your cousin's pin?

Yes. She help him setup the account. It was a new account. My aunt (cousin's mom) wanted an investigation because she thought that it was odd that whoever took the money knew exactly how much to withdraw.

[Anonymous]

It's really difficult but have to learn to set boundaries and disengage. It's hard because you want to help the ones you love. The problem is that you can't let them drag you down. It's sort of the same thing professional athletes from rough backgrounds have to do. It's hard to let go of the people you grew up with but those are the people that are perpetuating what you worked so hard to get away from.

I had a rough childhood but stayed focused on education - kept my nose to the grindstone, stayed clean. A couple of my brothers went down another path. It still pains me to recall saying 'no' to them when they were looking for help (like a ride home after escaping a drug bust). I'd help them if it wasn't related to perpetuating/supporting negative behaviors/lifestyle but you're going to have to figure out what your own line is and then be prepared for the fallout. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Set boundaries: Control your space and time. And there's always Caller ID.

When you visit them, you stay in a hotel. You do not enter into plans where you couldn't excuse yourself and leave.

You return phone call if/when you want. If topics are discussed that (you have no control over anyway) and are unpleasant - you get off the phone.

You don't invite visitors to overnight at your home. You don't answer the door to unannounced visitors. You meet them elsewhere. It's easier to excuse yourself and leave a neutral location than, if in your house, to show someone the door.

By removing yourself from drama you will also have to accept that you will be out-of-the-loop. It's the trade off, but well worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set boundaries: Control your space and time. And there's always Caller ID.

When you visit them, you stay in a hotel. You do not enter into plans where you couldn't excuse yourself and leave.

You return phone call if/when you want. If topics are discussed that (you have no control over anyway) and are unpleasant - you get off the phone.

You don't invite visitors to overnight at your home. You don't answer the door to unannounced visitors. You meet them elsewhere. It's easier to excuse yourself and leave a neutral location than, if in your house, to show someone the door.

[/b]By removing yourself from drama you will also have to accept that you will be out-of-the-loop. It's the trade off, but well worth it.

[b]

I am noticing that things are this way with my dad's side of the family. I only talk to him and my grandmother. His sisters seem to thrive on drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't know the police really investigated those kinds of crimes. How was she able to withdraw the money? She had your cousin's pin?


Yes. She help him setup the account. It was a new account. My aunt (cousin's mom) wanted an investigation because she thought that it was odd that whoever took the money knew exactly how much to withdraw.

It's especially odd that the police would launch an investigation because some citizen "wanted it".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't know the police really investigated those kinds of crimes. How was she able to withdraw the money? She had your cousin's pin?


Yes. She help him setup the account. It was a new account. My aunt (cousin's mom) wanted an investigation because she thought that it was odd that whoever took the money knew exactly how much to withdraw.

It's especially odd that the police would launch an investigation because some citizen "wanted it".

A claim was filed with the financial institution. That's more than likely why the police are investigating. Plus the dollar amount is a felony

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't know the police really investigated those kinds of crimes. How was she able to withdraw the money? She had your cousin's pin?


Yes. She help him setup the account. It was a new account. My aunt (cousin's mom) wanted an investigation because she thought that it was odd that whoever took the money knew exactly how much to withdraw.

It's especially odd that the police would launch an investigation because some citizen "wanted it".

Actually, not odd at all. My college roommate stole. My id and accounts numbers and withdrew my money. I knew it was her b/c I found my id in her procession. I told the bank and they pursued an investigation an got the police involved.

To the op: run, do not walk, from any of these toxic interactions. It is the only way to keep your life healthy and toxic free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't know the police really investigated those kinds of crimes. How was she able to withdraw the money? She had your cousin's pin?


Yes. She help him setup the account. It was a new account. My aunt (cousin's mom) wanted an investigation because she thought that it was odd that whoever took the money knew exactly how much to withdraw.

It's especially odd that the police would launch an investigation because some citizen "wanted it".

Actually, not odd at all. My college roommate stole. My id and accounts numbers and withdrew my money. I knew it was her b/c I found my id in her procession. I told the bank and they pursued an investigation an got the police involved.

To the op: run, do not walk, from any of these toxic interactions. It is the only way to keep your life healthy and toxic free.

Did your roommate get arrested?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your achievements - you've made yourself an independent, functioning adult despite your origins. Alas, the hardest part comes now: You must learn about how to maintain boundaries that keep your family's troubles from encroaching on your life. Details are beyond the scope of this post, but I will say keep the phone calls short, don't get involved in matters that don't involve you directly, and, most of all, don't feel guilty.

trust me i dont feel guilty. At first I felt like I should help make things better, but since I am not involved with these issues at all I stopped offering advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your achievements - you've made yourself an independent, functioning adult despite your origins. Alas, the hardest part comes now: You must learn about how to maintain boundaries that keep your family's troubles from encroaching on your life. Details are beyond the scope of this post, but I will say keep the phone calls short, don't get involved in matters that don't involve you directly, and, most of all, don't feel guilty.

trust me i dont feel guilty. At first I felt like I should help make things better, but since I am not involved with these issues at all I stopped offering advice.

In what sense are you having trouble dealing with the family drama? If you don't want to hear all about the drama, set a time limit on it. Listen for a couple of minutes, and then move on to a more pleasant topic. If you're not having luck with that, deal with it more directly. "Mom, Dad, I love you and want to have a relationship with you that doesn't revolve around Sister's problems. I'm sure it's very stressful for you and I'm willing to listen for a few minutes when something happens, but I'd like it if we could then talk about other things that are going on in our lives as well."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your achievements - you've made yourself an independent, functioning adult despite your origins. Alas, the hardest part comes now: You must learn about how to maintain boundaries that keep your family's troubles from encroaching on your life. Details are beyond the scope of this post, but I will say keep the phone calls short, don't get involved in matters that don't involve you directly, and, most of all, don't feel guilty.

trust me i dont feel guilty. At first I felt like I should help make things better, but since I am not involved with these issues at all I stopped offering advice.

In what sense are you having trouble dealing with the family drama? If you don't want to hear all about the drama, set a time limit on it. Listen for a couple of minutes, and then move on to a more pleasant topic. If you're not having luck with that, deal with it more directly. "Mom, Dad, I love you and want to have a relationship with you that doesn't revolve around Sister's problems. I'm sure it's very stressful for you and I'm willing to listen for a few minutes when something happens, but I'd like it if we could then talk about other things that are going on in our lives as well."

good advice, thanks. It's very stressful hearing about something that I have no affiliation with. Well besides the fact that they are my immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I have a 24 year old sister that has a 5 year old kid. Both live at home with her parents (her dad is my stepfather). Once I graduated high school ten years ago, I moved away for college and only lived at home when I was unemployed after graduation. Since then I've lived with relatives in different states while working and I moved out on my own this year. Anyway, my sister (along with parents) have a lot of issues. Which is one of the reasons I no longer live near them. My parents probably make combined 60-80k or even more salary. But they live outside of their means and have caused a financial strain on themselves. They have on several occasions requested that my sister pay for things on her credit card. She in turn as a lot of debt bc of it. Which she complains to me about. Also my sister didn't go to college because my niece was born less than a year after her hs graduation and my parents never forced her to go. I have to constantly hear how much she regrets it. Recently I received a call from a relative saying that my sister stole $1000 from my cousin who recently moved with my parents to get on his feet. She denied the whole thing, but the police have her on camera withdrawing the funds. I'm so sick of hearing about all of the drama that goes on! Of course I'm concerned about my niece. I want the best for her, but I just can't deal with it anymore.