Why do I keep making the same mistake?

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure my mom is a narcissist. Since I realize I can't change her behavior I need to find ways to change my reaction to her. Growing up and really until I got married we were super close. Mostly just because I always did whatever she wanted so there was never anything for her to be angry with me about. As an adult who is married with children I've learned to make my own choices whether she is happy or not. Sometimes she is great, super supportive when I'm upset or having a problem and other times her reaction to me borders on insane. One time she was angry with me for 3 days because she didn't like where DH and I decided to place a tv in our family room. Other times though she is really there for me. I feel like I never know which version of my mother I'm going to get. The supportive one who listens to my concerns but lets me make my own decisions or the crazy one. She has opinions about everything so I've learned to just listen and say "ok" and pretend I'm going to do what she says. I've also learned not to over share with her. If she thinks our relationship is superficial that just makes her angrier so I have managed to find a way to make her think I tell her everything even though I don't tell her even close to everything.

My problem is that when things are great with her my guard is down and then I end up getting hurt. Today I shared with her a struggle I'm having in trying to be a good parent while feeling like I'm being pulled in so many directions (I have 3 young children) so that no one is getting enough from me. Instead of making me feel better she got annoyed with me. This whole conversation started because she was asking why I wasn't taking my youngest to any classes like I did with the older 2. When I explained why, she made me feel worse and then told me she didn't have time for this conversation and hung up on me. To be fair, she really was on the way out the door but it still was very insensitive when I was upset. So basically, my question is, how do I keep my distance mentally while letting her think everything is fine.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Your mom is messed up, so you need therapy to figure out how to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy. Your mom is messed up, so you need therapy to figure out how to deal with it.

OP here. I totally agree. But anyone with any suggestions for what I can do while I figure out how to fit therapy into my already overextended life?

[Anonymous]

Maybe this would help in the meantime?

http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436


The first book for daughters who have suffered the abuse of selfish, self-involved mothers, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? provides the expert assistance you need in order to overcome this debilitating history and reclaim your life.

Narcissistic mothers teach their daughters that love is not unconditional, that it is given only when they behave in accordance with maternal expectations and whims. As adults, these daughters have difficulty overcoming feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, emotional emptiness, and sadness. They may also have a fear of abandonment that leads them to form unhealthy romantic relationships, as well as a tendency to perfectionism and unrelenting self-criticism or to self-sabotage and frustration.

[Anonymous]

What's her age? Narcissists don't usually have supportive times. It sounds like she's lashing out for other reasons...the start of dementia maybe?

[Anonymous]

First, step back even more. You need to build stronger and healthier boundaries between you and her. Stop telling her as much as you do. Do not tell her your cares and do not expect her to be there for you. You need to learn how to turn a deaf ear to her and shut down her overstepping your boundaries.

Accept that she probably will not change much, if at all. Change is for you to make within yourself, and how you deal with her.

You do need to get some therapy ASAP, because this is going to affect how you are with your kids, and you need to break free of these patterns NOW.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure your mom is a narcissist. It sounds like there have been times when she really has helped you because she was focused on your needs. That's atypical for a narcissist, so it sounds like she may be really moody? Also, I think you would gain some strength if you practiced being really honest with her. Why would you want to let her think everything was fine if it wasn't?