Funerals with kids?
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Anonymous
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My MIL's best friend's husband recently passed away. The memorial service is at 2PM during the kids' (twin 3 yos) naptime. My MIL is very upset about the death so I am sure she is not thinking rationally. But she is very upset that the twins will not be attending the service. And she is blaming it on my "need to control". I explained to her that they would be a mess and would be disruptive. She doesn't believe me (probably because they don't usually act that way).
Is this an instance where I suck it up and take them to the service? Yes, I don't want to deal with wrangling cranky toddlers at a solemn occasion. DH thinks they should stay home and told MIL this as well. |
Anonymous
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If DH supports it, I'd stand my ground. I think it's a ridiculous request. How well do your toddlers even know MIL's BFF's husband? Maybe if it was a family member, but I still strongly believe small children have no place at a funeral (exception being a very close relative). Some of that is cultural though...MIL is still pissed at me for not bringing our two year old to her great-grandmother's funeral even though:
1. We live six hours away 2. DD met great grandmother once 3. DH hates great grandmother and almost didn't go himself But evidently DD was the only great grandchild not in attendance and therefore MIL was mad Chances are your MIL is grieving and not thinking clearly. |
Anonymous
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I have twin 3 yr olds also and I wouldn't take them.
Way too distant a connection to them to even consider it. I'm not sure I would take them even if it were one of their grandparents, though I might. But in this instance? No way. Zero benefit to them and potentially upsetting for them unnecessarily, not to mention potentially disruptive to lots of other people. Don't waste any more energy second guessing yourself - I totally agree with you. |
Anonymous
| Mil's bff's dh? Good lord, no. Imagine his family's perspective - "Who are those cranky kids?" "Marge's friend's grand kids". Even without it being at nap time, it would no sense. |
Anonymous
| My mom died last year. I took my 5 and 9 yo but left my 3 at home to nap. Better for everyone. |
Anonymous
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You are doing the right thing.
I hope it is only grief making your MIL act crazy and that she is not this way normally! |
Anonymous
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Leave your kids home. Not because kids don't belong at funerals (I think they do) but because they won't be able to behave.
Your MIL is under a ton of stress supporting her best friend, and worrying about her own mortality. Ignore her hysteria. |
Anonymous
| No way. I think children should be exposed to death and funerals but not MIL's BFF's DH. Not a close enough relation. |
Anonymous
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Another vote for no. There's nothing crankier on this Earth than a child whose nap has been disrupted - and with good reason.
Your MIL is grieving and not thinking clearly. She'll come to her senses once this is not so raw. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thank you everyone. My MIL just texted me to remind me to make sure they will be wearing really nice dresses and not their regular clothes. I think I'll ask DH to tell her again they are not going and that I am not going to respond to any more of her messages. Sigh. |
Anonymous
| Is it possible she just wants to show them off? Otherwise it doesn't really matter if their dresses are really nice. Also think of the actual relatives of the deceased. Do they want tired and possibly misbehaving three year olds that aren't even related? I took my three year old to a 2pm funeral last month and he did sit quietly. I had paper and things to color with and everything was fine. But he doesn't nap. |
Anonymous
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OP please forgive this suggestion from someone who's BTDT: your MIL is asking you for a distraction to help her manage her grief. I have had this happen with my parents and my in-laws who have been extremely grateful to me for doing what they asked -- but here's what I did. I dressed DD, and she and I sat in the car (or DH sat in the car with her when it was my mother making the request so I could be with my parents). Before and after the service, when my mother or MIL or FIL 'needed' to hold DD or hold her hand or focus on her, I had her available. She was not in the church or at the graveside until afterwards. I don't know how you navigate the nap time, and I know I am a lone voice here, but it honestly did help our parents.
As context: 10 years before the experiences above, I attended my aunt's funeral, which was very tough in part because she had died one month to the day after her first grandchild was born. My cousin (baby's father) insisted on having the baby at the service. We (very conservative Episcopalian family) were all 'horrified' at his decision (which in retrospect was none of our business) but his own MIL came, held the baby (who was angelic) and handed him to my cousin at the very end, at his request. My cousin held the baby tightly as he walked up the aisle after his mother's casket, smiling through his tears. That's when I understood that sometimes people need the young to hold as they are grieving. And that's probably why I heeded my MIL's and FIL's and my own mother's requests, even though they were mightily inconvenient and required a lot of adjustments on our part. Good luck -- and I am sorry you are having to go through this -- I know it's not easy. |
Anonymous
| Your MIL's best friend's husband? WTF? I have never even met my MIL's best friend's husband and I have been married for more than 15 years and live less than an hour from my MIL. In a million years I wouldn't take my child to a funeral for someone with whom we had no connection. I care far more for my children and their schedule than I do about whether or not my MIL wants them to attend a funeral for someone I have never met, let alone my kids. If that makes me a bad person, oh well, but in a million years I would never ever expect my daughter and her husband to bring their children to the funeral of my best friend's husband. |
Anonymous
I would not bring them to a friend of MIL's funeral unless they and I had a STRONG bond with the deceased. I would if it were a grandparent or and aunt/uncle. |
Anonymous
| Can you take your kids there for a shorter time and come back? MIL may not forget this easily. |