Telling Family/Friends About Your Situation

[Anonymous]

I'm interested in hearing when and if you told family and friends about your fertility struggles. On the one hand, I think it would be a huge relief to tell our parents. But beyond that, I worry some family members would either gossip or feel totally sorry for us. Anyone have thoughts on whether/how to do this? My husband and I are just about to reach 2 years of TTC (for #2), and will soon start IVF. We especially feel pressure because our DS is almost 4 and we have been getting questions about a sibling for him (I usually deflect with humor or sidestepping). Plus we have several family members who are having children now, and the spotlight seems especially bright now.

Thanks for any advice and insights.

[Anonymous]

I did not tell people the first time around. I was more open about it with #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not tell people the first time around. I was more open about it with #2.

Thanks! How did you start off the conversation with folks -- or did they ask you? And what kind of reactions did you get?

[Anonymous]

I think I just let information leak. If people asked, I was more willing to say that we were seeing a specialist, etc. I didn't go into the details of the treatment unless it was someone else dealing with infertility, and I thought the information would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Our parents generally know we are/were doing IVF, but honestly, they don't get it and aren't much of a support. I wish we'd never told them. People are so very weird about fertility stuff.

[Anonymous]

My ds was conceived when dd turned 4 thru ivf. I never said anything nor was asked. But I did tell my mom bc she happened to be with me when I went for tests and both tubes were blocked. I wasn't expecting that so I brought her along and relieved she was there bc I wouldn't know where to start otherwise. But after I conceived I was very open with friends. Good friends. I wanted to be honest about my struggle and how babies don't just happen..I think before conceiving a close group of friends also knew bc I talked to them. I didn't tell family bc I didn't want the annoying calls after ivf of did if work. Plus I felt like it meant something was wrong with me and family can be more judgey. Friends were soooo incredible. Just wait until one round of ivf to be open but do share with those who are closest.

[Anonymous]

I'm very honest with my immediate family and coworkers. I don't think the stigma of "infertilty" is really there anymore. The usual reaction is I get is just general curiosity in the process.

[Anonymous]

I suspect my brother and SIL are having infertility issues. I understand them not telling people, and that's fine. It's not like if they told me I'd ... do anything. What is there to say besides "Good luck, I hope it happens for ya!"

[Anonymous]

I prefer not to discuss it with people who aren't going through infertility. People do mean well but the constant questions/requests for updates are hard when things aren't going well.

Plus I do get a lot of people telling me "helpful" things, which annoys the hell out of me. Its like they think you haven't thought of the basic things.

I feel like pointing out to them that its sometimes a matter of good luck and not planning.

Increasingly, I am just avoiding pregnant people because I cannot deal with smugness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plus I do get a lot of people telling me "helpful" things, which annoys the hell out of me. Its like they think you haven't thought of the basic things.

I used to get a lot of this too...especially when our initial testing was normal. I think I could have killed the next person who told me to just relax or take a vacation. Sure I did have some anxiety but that started only after about 9 months of trying because I knew in my heart something was wrong. Only when we finally got a diagnosis did all the vacation nonsense end, along with my anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prefer not to discuss it with people who aren't going through infertility. People do mean well but the constant questions/requests for updates are hard when things aren't going well.

Plus I do get a lot of people telling me "helpful" things, which annoys the hell out of me. Its like they think you haven't thought of the basic things.

I feel like pointing out to them that its sometimes a matter of good luck and not planning.

Increasingly, I am just avoiding pregnant people because I cannot deal with smugness.

Perhaps you are reading happiness as smugness? Anyway, we told close friends and family. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

We only told my parents, his mom, my sister, and maybe 2 or 3 friends.

The reason is that we didn't plan to do IVF, even if it were needed (and in the end, it was, though we still didn't do it) and always planned to move to adoption after a few IUI cycles. I know there's a stigma surrounding adoption and people feel sorry that you "had" to adopt. I know this because I myself am an adoptee. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me or my kid, or even worse, stigmatizing my child. We adopted for a whole bunch of reasons, of which infertility played a small part. I'm sure people assumed it was all due to infertility, but let them wonder.

[Anonymous]

We did not tell and now that our family is complete I don't see any reason why I would change that. When my little ones are old enough to understand, I will tell them how special they are and elaborate. At that point it will be their story to tell, should they decide to.

My brother is the type of person who blasts all our family's dirty laundry all over facebook so I could never tell him and it would be impossible to keep him from finding out. Unfortunately, it would only be a matter of time before he gets mad at me for something trivial and decides to use it as a personal attack. I have told few people I work with who have been through something similar but I have my DH to lean on when I think back to the darker days.

[Anonymous]

20:48/20:54 here. I did tell one trusted coworker too because I was running late every other morning due to monitoring appointments. I just wanted someone who could address any issues or contact me if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very honest with my immediate family and coworkers. I don't think the stigma of "infertilty" is really there anymore. The usual reaction is I get is just general curiosity in the process.

Clearly you haven't been on DCUM long enough because it was here that I learned that if I can't get pregnant then that means it's God's will or some other similar BS. Or that I'm too old and here are all the reasons why I'll be a crappy parent. I conceived DS2 when DS1 was 4 and used DE. I only told one sibling and no one else because I fear rejection for DS2. My mom once trotted out some crappy line about "continuing her bloodline" regarding grandchildren. I am prepared to let the news leak when he is a bit older and has already been accepted into the family.