how to leave a relationship

[Anonymous]

I have 3 children. all middle school and under. married for 17 years. I can not do this anymore. He is a complete jerk to all of us. The entire household feels toxic! I have tried counseling, he is not interested. We have debt that would make it hard for me to live on my own, not much but enough that would really be difficult to pull off. I am disabled but do have a part time job. He makes about 150K a year. I would not want to loose my house, so confused.. I just think for the mental health of my children, leaving would be better than staying with him. Maybe I am wrong, maybe divorce is harder than living with a toxic father. I am so scared. Where do I start...I would rather he leave the house than have me and the kids leave. Is that possible? Can a judge make him move? Anyone with information??Thanks

[Anonymous]

Are you in this area? Have you talked to a therapist about what's best for your kids? I'd do that as as first step. Then I'd talk to a divorce attorney about the financial aspects. Sometimes you can keep the marital home til your kids are grown. For their stability. You may be eligible for alimony if you are disabled and can't reasonably be expected to work full time or earn more.

Divorce can be very hard financially and just change out one stress (toxic husband) for a new one (money). So that does have to be a consideration. Plus divorce means changing the relationship to a coparenting one, and that can be really hard too.

If in the end you think divorce is the better option, there are ways to plan financial exits, etc. as well.

In your shoes, I'd write out a list of things to try:

1) talk to therapist about helping kids/changing conflict in the home. You can't change him but you can change how you all relate to him and that can help de-escalate and prevent some conflict. If you are in this area PEP parenting classes and workshops have so e helpful conflict resolution workshops that are fairly cheap and may help.
2) get your kids individual therapy.
3) talk to a financial planner or research self-support on yiur own. Get a realistic sense of what you may be facing.
4) talk to a lawyer.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Can you be more specific? What makes him a jerk and toxic? Sometimes those things can be fixable, some times not. Sometimes those things aren't even that serious but other spouse takes it so seriously. Some times it warrants a divorce and to have the kids removed from him. Let us know exactly what is going on.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to a divorce attorney about what your options are, because so many will be specific to your situation.