I really don't want to quit my new job but may have to. Advice?

[Anonymous]

I started working part time after taking 3 years off when I had a kid. The work is great, it's close to home and my kids school is on my way. Problem is that my kid is not adjusting to school. It's not a matter of simple separation anxiety - it's debilitating anxiety that is making her throw up every school day, crying almost nonstop at school and losing precious weight she can't afford to lose.

What do I do? The pediatrician has said she doesn't think its healthy to drag this out much longer - it's already been 4 weeks. I don't make enough to hire a nanny for my work hours - it barely makes financial sense for me to work while DD goes to school as it is.

I would be screwing myself over in terms of quitting now. I'd have to give up my work contract which means losing my seniority etc. but I don't have benefits as it is.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter?

[Anonymous]

If you really might have to quit (meaning you can't figure out any other solution for your daughter's anxiety) then I'd ask for a short leave first. Explain the situation to your boss, and ask for two weeks or something to sort things out. If I were your boss I'd approve, because it would be easier than hiring someone new to let you go.

But. Your daughter has a condition that isn't going to be cured because you stay home with her. She needs to go to school, and it is logical for you to be able to work while she is at school. Does she need medication to make school entry possible? Her doctor can't possibly be recommending that she not go to school and you quit your job? The doc needs to offer some more solutions here.

All the best to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Is your kid three years old then? You're going to have to face this eventually, but before you do anything drastic, I'd try a different school/program. It might make enough of a difference.

[Anonymous]

Are you 100% something strange isn't happening at this school?

[Anonymous]

I would also suggest trying to find a different school/daycare for your daughter. Maybe a home daycare instead of a center or even a nanny share.

[Anonymous]

Find a new school. Bad fit.

[Anonymous]

It might not make short term financial sense to hire a nanny, but if you take the long view you may be giving up a lot more by quitting. It might also help to get your daughter used to being cared for by another adult in a less stressful setting than school. I think a lot of women do the straight dollars-and-cents calculus to decide whether to work but they neglect to take into account things like seniority, retirement benefits, keeping their skills and contacts strong, and the likelihood of getting hired again in the future.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs. I'd try to get some time off, first, and explore other options (home daycare, another preschool, nanny share, etc) before you quit.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds really stressful for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Ok, when I was in kindergarten, I cried and threw up every single day as well. Looking back, I believe that I was extremely anxious (for no real reason, mind you). There was no abuse or anything like that. I just hated my teacher and I hated school, and I continued to hate school for a long time. I don't know what my mother should have done, but keeping me home was not it. Probably I would have been better off in another class. But in the end, I turned out ok. I have a home, a career, a family, etc. I don't think you should give up your career over this.

[Anonymous]

pp here. By the way my mother didn't do anything about my daily throwing up- she just kept taking me to school and eventually I just stopped doing it, although I would still cry a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP again ....DD is 3. Her doctor isn't recommending I quit but we need to figure something out since this isn't working. We have already put in place a lot of behavioral goals and reward systems that don't seem to make much difference.

I have contacted a few home care centers but no one has the room for a 3 year old nearby. There's a gradual separation program that I have also found which has availability but that would require me being off for a significant period to get DD adjusted. Also, it is a 3 day/week program and I work every day.

I don't qualify for any leave - but I'd be willing to take leave without pay if we could figure something out. I just don't think my boss would give me the time since it has to go through HR also and since I'm part time, I don't have many benefits.

If we hire a nanny, I will literally make $10 an hour. This doesn't make much sense to me as my hours at work are fixed but I do work much more than I get paid for. So really, my take home pay will be less than $10 an hour.

I am 100% sure nothing is going on at school. She's always been a very stranger adverse kid and somehow we didn't prep her for school as well as we should have. But if I quit, the goal would be to get her in a program that equips her with the skills she needs to be more independent and self-calming.

Thank you for the empathy - it's been very rough on our household. She's such a bright kid and all of this would be so ideal - if she would just get with the program!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, when I was in kindergarten, I cried and threw up every single day as well. Looking back, I believe that I was extremely anxious (for no real reason, mind you). There was no abuse or anything like that. I just hated my teacher and I hated school, and I continued to hate school for a long time. I don't know what my mother should have done, but keeping me home was not it. Probably I would have been better off in another class. But in the end, I turned out ok. I have a home, a career, a family, etc. I don't think you should give up your career over this.

Thank you pp for this anecdote. Dd is 27 lbs - which is in the 5th percentile for weight. She has lost a pound since she's started school. She also has food allergies which makes it difficult for us to just up her calories - her food tends to be calorie sparse as it is. This is my major worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again ....DD is 3. Her doctor isn't recommending I quit but we need to figure something out since this isn't working. We have already put in place a lot of behavioral goals and reward systems that don't seem to make much difference.

I have contacted a few home care centers but no one has the room for a 3 year old nearby. There's a gradual separation program that I have also found which has availability but that would require me being off for a significant period to get DD adjusted. Also, it is a 3 day/week program and I work every day.

I don't qualify for any leave - but I'd be willing to take leave without pay if we could figure something out. I just don't think my boss would give me the time since it has to go through HR also and since I'm part time, I don't have many benefits.

If we hire a nanny, I will literally make $10 an hour. This doesn't make much sense to me as my hours at work are fixed but I do work much more than I get paid for. So really, my take home pay will be less than $10 an hour.
I am 100% sure nothing is going on at school. She's always been a very stranger adverse kid and somehow we didn't prep her for school as well as we should have. But if I quit, the goal would be to get her in a program that equips her with the skills she needs to be more independent and self-calming.

Thank you for the empathy - it's been very rough on our household. She's such a bright kid and all of this would be so ideal - if she would just get with the program!

But are you taking into account all of the long-term financial ramifications of quitting? Maybe you work in a job/industry where positions are plentiful and you can slide back in at the same income level in six months or a year, but since I don't, I was willing to basically break even for a year until my youngest started school. It was worth it to me b/c I have an awesome flexible part-time job that I know I would have NEVER found, at least not at this pay rate, if I had given this one up. I'm hoping to stay at this job until all my kids are through school.

[Anonymous]

Request leave without pay to handle. Good luck