I really don't want to quit my new job but may have to. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Can you ask (beg if necessary) one of the grandparents to come out for an extended visit while you get things figured out?

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny. Even if you make less than 10.00 in the short term, it will allow you to continue your employment. Eventually, she will adjust and you will still have your employment.

[Anonymous]

I was like your daughter when I was young...my kindergarten was religious, I hated that kindergarten and still remember it well (and I am 45!). Mom eventually moved me to a secular kindergarten and I was better. I was also an anxious child and not used to larger groups of other children. Looking back, the problems I had were a sign of larger anxiety to come and a lack of secure attachment to my mom. And, a reaction to the food. Your daughter's issues may vary, but it might be worth figuring them out now rather than later. I just had to suck it up, only to have anxiety problems resurface later in life and have the food intolerances I did not know I had cause lots of health issues over the years.

Is she already going to school part time? Is there anyway she could go a half day? It may be worthwhile to try to get leave without pay and sort things out.

[Anonymous]

Ask to take leave for four weeks. Do everything you can in the best interest of your child, including figuring out whether or not the best thing is for you to quit. (and the best thing for your daughter is NOT necessarily for you to quit).

Unless you are dirt poor and getting kicked out of your home, don't make this about the money. In a couple years, at most, you will be back at work full time, unless your child has a severe, long-term condition, in which case the work discussion is beside the point.

[Anonymous]

I agree that this is not about the money but what is best for your family. I do agree that staying home will not solve the larger problem here, and could potentially make her reaction even stronger in the future, in fact. I do also understand that your concern is she not lose any weight, thus you may have preference for facing / resolving her separation anxiety in a year or so, when you hope she will have gained more weight.

A few ideas that I hope might be worth considering:

Could your partner do drop off? For whatever reasons this could be a good balance between the familiar and a less emotional drop off.

There's the separation from home (a strange environment, louder, etc.) and there's the separation from you. It's probably worth understanding if these things are different for your DD. Is she OK when a babysitter comes? If so, could you involve any family, particularly anyone your DD is comfortable with, to come and help you? Could you pursue having a college student babysit DD and use this as a solution over daycare?

[Anonymous]

Can you imagine the anxiety the teacher is having every day trying to soothe and deal with the child, and the impact the child is having on the other children/classroom dynamic?

Sounds like a nightmare for all involved.

[Anonymous]

A home care provider may not be any better. I would take her and look at other preschool options and she if she is more comfortable at another one. This one is not a good fit for her.

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny who has experience working with kids dealing with food allergies. Sacrifice the income and make this year about the nanny helping your daughter to gain weight on a diet that is healthy for her and helping to gradually increase your daughters experiences with group settings (this will likely mean that she takes some classes and spends time with other kids and other teachers, and may very well mean that you are actually in the red). The important thing is that you spend this year getting your daughter ready for a school setting. If you stay home, you will really only be delaying this problem until later--having mom 24 hours a day is not going to help your daughter adjust to being around her peers. If you get a nanny, your daughter will get a chance to adjust to a different caregiver in a comforting and familiar environment. Then, the nanny can facilitate adjusting her to life outside the home and group settings, and next year your daughter will be better prepared to start school. And the important thing is that your daughter will be ready to move on and you will be ready to pursue your career.

[Anonymous]

I started both my kids in preschool at 2. I was a stay at home mom when my older child started at 2.5. He cried for the first week. I started working part time and started my younger child also at age 2. He bawled everyday for an entire month. It broke my heart and I almost quit my job. I'm glad we kept at it. He loves his school, teachers and friends. It was not easy to find my part time position and I'm glad we kept him at school.

As others have said, she will have to go to school. Most all kids we know go to school at age 3. In our circles, stay at home parents seem to send them early as well for a "break", especially if there is a younger sibling.

If your child were younger, I could see why you would quit your job but 3 is a normal time for kids to start preschool. She would definitely go to pre-k at age 4.

[Anonymous]

SO DD went from no school and having mom home every day to being in school 5 days a week and mom is working FT? Rough adjustment for sure.

OP even if you want to quit I wouldn't pull her out of school completely. You need to start helping her adjust to being away from you and around others. One day she will have to go to school and the adjustment would be even worse if she were with you 24/7 at 5 and suddenly went to Kindergarten 5 days a week.

[Anonymous]

How long a day is your DD in daycare? When I went back to work after my second child I was full time (teaching) and it was just too long a day for my son. I wound up pulling back a bit, going part-time, and having him in care for a shorter amount of time (just mornings) for a year. By the time he was 4 he was much better and happily went to school. He was (and still can be) very sensitive. He cried at drop-off, dreaded school, and had behavioral issues related to the anxiety. We started taking him to a play therapist during the year I was only working half-time and that helped quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]How long a day is your DD in daycare? When I went back to work after my second child I was full time (teaching) and it was just too long a day for my son. I wound up pulling back a bit, going part-time, and having him in care for a shorter amount of time (just mornings) for a year. By the time he was 4 he was much better and happily went to school. He was (and still can be) very sensitive. He cried at drop-off, dreaded school, and had behavioral issues related to the anxiety. We started taking him to a play therapist during the year I was only working half-time and that helped quite a bit. [/quote]

What does play therapy entail? Are there other children in a group?

[Anonymous]

OP again.. I work part time and DD is only in a morning Montessori program. Our hours coincide beautifully.

If I quit, I would out her in a preschool that has a gradual separation. Meaning, I would stay with her the first day, then the next day I would leave her alone for a half hour, then the next day an hour, pushing it to eventually her being by herself for 3 hours. It will take a long time but I think it will be a more gentle way to get ready for school than what she is experiencing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again ....DD is 3. Her doctor isn't recommending I quit but we need to figure something out since this isn't working. We have already put in place a lot of behavioral goals and reward systems that don't seem to make much difference.

I have contacted a few home care centers but no one has the room for a 3 year old nearby. There's a gradual separation program that I have also found which has availability but that would require me being off for a significant period to get DD adjusted. Also, it is a 3 day/week program and I work every day.

I don't qualify for any leave - but I'd be willing to take leave without pay if we could figure something out. I just don't think my boss would give me the time since it has to go through HR also and since I'm part time, I don't have many benefits.

If we hire a nanny, I will literally make $10 an hour. This doesn't make much sense to me as my hours at work are fixed but I do work much more than I get paid for. So really, my take home pay will be less than $10 an hour.

I am 100% sure nothing is going on at school. She's always been a very stranger adverse kid and somehow we didn't prep her for school as well as we should have. But if I quit, the goal would be to get her in a program that equips her with the skills she needs to be more independent and self-calming.

Thank you for the empathy - it's been very rough on our household. She's such a bright kid and all of this would be so ideal - if she would just get with the program!

This all seems one sided. If you are single I can understand and appreciate the stress but if you are married why is your husband not part of the solution. Can't your husband stay home? Let him be the SAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again ....DD is 3. Her doctor isn't recommending I quit but we need to figure something out since this isn't working. We have already put in place a lot of behavioral goals and reward systems that don't seem to make much difference.

I have contacted a few home care centers but no one has the room for a 3 year old nearby. There's a gradual separation program that I have also found which has availability but that would require me being off for a significant period to get DD adjusted. Also, it is a 3 day/week program and I work every day.

I don't qualify for any leave - but I'd be willing to take leave without pay if we could figure something out. I just don't think my boss would give me the time since it has to go through HR also and since I'm part time, I don't have many benefits.

If we hire a nanny, I will literally make $10 an hour. This doesn't make much sense to me as my hours at work are fixed but I do work much more than I get paid for. So really, my take home pay will be less than $10 an hour.

I am 100% sure nothing is going on at school. She's always been a very stranger adverse kid and somehow we didn't prep her for school as well as we should have. But if I quit, the goal would be to get her in a program that equips her with the skills she needs to be more independent and self-calming.

Thank you for the empathy - it's been very rough on our household. She's such a bright kid and all of this would be so ideal - if she would just get with the program!

This all seems one sided. If you are single I can understand and appreciate the stress but if you are married why is your husband not part of the solution. Can't your husband stay home? Let him be the SAH

Given that I make about $18,000/year and my husband makes $215,000/year, we would be in a worse condition if he decided to quit. But yes, I am feeling a bit resentful that I have to give up my career for all of this.