Cutting the cord

[Anonymous]

When we dropped DD off at college for the first time last month, I went to the parent orientation at which a dean said something to the effect that you shouldn't talk with your child more than once a week, they need to establish their independence. I think this makes sense, actually. When I was in college, I had Sunday evening phone calls with my parents and that was it. Thats how I became independent and self-sufficient. I told my DD that if I hadn't heard from her in a week I'd call her, but otherwise I would try not to bother her.

So its been almost a month and we've been in daily contact. She texts me a question and I answer. Or I send her a text checking up on something ("have you done X? Have you done Y?) Even when I try to stand down, she's contacting me. I love her dearly, but my fear is that our relationship is not changing at all, that its still like she's in high school and I'm still actively parenting her. In some ways its worse because if she texts me that she's unhappy about something, I'm not there and I can't help her so I just worry. I don't think this is a good dynamic but I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not going to tell her to stop contacting me. After all, I'm her mother and I want her to know I'm always here for her.

I wonder if anyone else has struggled with this.

[Anonymous]

If it's not an emergency, wait a while to text her back. By then she'll have thought about it some more and maybe gotten advice from someone. She'll eventually realize how to deal with her own problems.

[Anonymous]

I'm not there yet but it doesn't sound problematic to me. She's still getting adjusted to being away. I bet she'll cut way back soon.

[Anonymous]

It's only been a month so I wouldn't worry at all. And some relationships are just different. I talked to my parents once or twice a week in college. My roommate talked to her mom everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. Her mom knew what she did everyday, what tests she had, what she ate, etc. honestly she was completely independent just like me and did great after graduation, but she just liked talking to her mom.

[Anonymous]

There nothing wrong with having contact with your DD regularly as long as you're not figuring out every little problem and issue for her. She's still getting settled and may need a little more support. It will start to diminish as she matures and gets more settled. My friend's DD was exactly the same her 1st year and by her 2nd semester and definitely by 2nd year was contacting her much less frequently - more like 1-2 times a week rather than daily. And the communications were much less intense or insecure.

Also, remember, communication when we were in college was very different overall than it is now. I also had the weekly phone calls with my parents because a long distance call was expensive and had to be at a set time in order to find them at home. There were no cell phones or computers even. Communication now through text, Skype, etc is so much easier and more readily available. It's just easier and your DD has grown up with this easy communication.

However, if you're feeling like you need to start cutting the cord sooner then don't ask her questions about whether she has "taken care of XYZ". Keep your communication about what is happening in both of your lives. Keep her updated on what's happening at home, etc. Let her figure out what to do with the responsibilities of school. If she doesn't get something done then she will learn…it's not your job to do that for her. For now, enjoy the regular communication, but keep it light hearted and easy. She will start to find her way and the continuous texting will ease up.

[Anonymous]

Just put the ball back in her court. If she ask you about something, ask her what she thinks she should do, you have to work that out on your own, etc...let her make the decisions.

[Anonymous]

Deal with her as you would a friend. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to her.

She may be wanting to vent. That's ok. But from your stand point, it doesn't have to be endless. You can have a limit as to what you hear. I doubt she's asking for advice, but if she is you could give it - or you might say you're too removed from the situation to comment.

[Anonymous]

Be happy she wants to stay in touch. My son only wants to talk once a month. I really miss knowing what he's up to.

[Anonymous]

I spoke to my mom several times a day when I was in college - just because I loved talking to her. I was independent, successful, had many friends, etc. To this day, I still talk to her more than once a day - and I have a happy marriage, a job, and three kids. Honestly, I don't think anyone who knows me would say I am incompetent or not independent - it's just that she and I are super close and genuinely love to talk to each other. I really don't think it is a problem!

[Anonymous]

I used to talk to my mom nearly every day my freshman year. By my senior year, it was still at least every 2-3 days! I guess I just love my momma!

[Anonymous]

My biggest piece of advice to you is to forget about one person (who has no idea about you, your daughter, or your relationship) tells you you "should" be doing. If your DD wants to keep in contact, let her. How on Earth is that a bad thing?

[Anonymous]

I talked to my parents. I had a high phone nil but they never complained.

[Anonymous]

We text or email at least 3 to 4 times/week. Really no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Curious, adults who talk to their parents multiple times daily...what do you talk about? I wouldn't have anything new to say that often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious, adults who talk to their parents multiple times daily...what do you talk about? I wouldn't have anything new to say that often.

Probably what they ate, who they saw, what they talked about, what went on at class, assignments, etc.