Cutting the cord

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if anyone else has struggled with this.

Yes, my 20-year-old DD and I have struggled with this. She's the 3rd of my 4 children, and she and I have always been extremely close. During her freshman and sophomore years of college, she was in regular contact, despite my attempts to give her distance. At first, I was okay with it, because I missed her. Soon, though, I realized that she was relying too much on my guidance, and she wasn't developing the skills she needed. She has some anxiety issues, which made it especially tough for me to know where to draw the line.

We had a bit of an emotional blowup this past summer, during which she started treating me a bit dismissively and occasionally rudely when I made comments (much as you'd imagine a mid-teen would react), yet she still wanted me to hold her hand at her convenience. We talked for hours, and I told her that as much as I love & want to be there for her, I felt I was doing her a disservice by helping her when she could pursue tasks more independently.

I can say that now, a month into her junior year of college, we are coming to what I consider to be an appropriate balance. She goes to school locally, but she no longer comes home every weekend (something she'd been doing in the past). We're talking only every five to six days with the occasional e-mail & no texts. It's tough on both of us, I think, but necessary.

[Anonymous]

I'm 24 and I text my mom almost everyday. She's one of my best friends and I value our conversations and her input, etc. I'm currently attending grad school in another country, so I don't think our close relationship has at all stopped me from becoming independent.

At the same time though, I wouldn't say she's ever "checked up on me" in the same way you describe. If she's asking me if I've done X or Y, it's because it somehow pertains to her (like maybe booking a trip home that she will have to pick me up from). She's not checking if I've paid my rent or finished the assignment that's due next week. Our discussions about work and school are a result of interest in each others lives not the need to double check that I'm doing all the things I need to do.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's nice that your DD wants to check in with you every day. I think the texts will taper off as she starts to feel more settled and involved at school. It's only been a month, and she's adjusting. Lots of kids struggle with the adjustment to college (many unsuccessfully), so she may need a little extra support right now. A year from now you're going to miss those daily contacts with her! Enjoy them while they last!

[Anonymous]

I love hearing how close some daughters are with their moms. My DD also just left for college and we text a bit almost every day, but most of it is short. I love being able to text, but do not feel like I'm over involved or that she is relying on me to make decisions, I'm just happy she wants to be in touch and that we get along (for now!) so well.

[Anonymous]

I was a college student that was too independent and had un-involved parents. Looking back now, I realize that I didn't do as well as my friends in college who had involved parents for the duration of college. The reason? I was no where near as independent as I thought and struggling to figure things out while everyone else had adult guidance meant they got farther and understood a lot of things quicker than I did struggling through to figure it out myself.

Kids do not magically figure life out when they go to college. They are living all by themselves day in and day out for the first time without someone else being in charge of their lives. It's a transition that doesn't happen the day you drop your kid off.

Stay involved. Answer questions. Don't put limits on how many phone calls or texts.

Consider if there is an extreme number of calls and texts that your child may have anxiety. Real anxiety or depression that actually needs to be treated by a professional. Even if your child has never had these issues before.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my late 20s and keep frequent contact with my parents by phone. As long as she is otherwise independent and isn't staying in her dorm all day not meeting people, I wouldn't worry about this at all.